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Desperately seeking details

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zeekitty posted 6/3/2014 10:49 AM

I'm on the second downward plunge of the rollercoaster. It's only been about a month since DDay. As I've said before, WH is doing everything I could ask for and more. At this moment in time, he is not the problem.

The problem is my obsessing. I know that it's normal to obsess over details and that the urge to go "pain shopping" is also normal. I've fought it, successfully, so far by reminding myself that I don't need those details. My therapist told me that I should only seek the 'broad brush' and not get too bogged down. And I've been good.

But the obsession today is overwhelming. I want desperately to dig into the details (by asking him or going through his phone, calling up the OW) and I'm having an extra hard time stopping myself. I just need some encouragement to keep it together.

tfkeel posted 6/3/2014 11:12 AM

Stay the course. Keep the faith. Your counselor has given you good advice to "seek the broad brush".

WH is doing everything I could ask for and more.

This is the "broad brush".

LuvsAngel2014 posted 6/3/2014 11:49 AM

Maybe you feel that you do not have all the truth yet, therefore you need to see and hear the details in order to make sense of it in your head or see your proof? I do not know your story - but in my case, I realized I obsessed because my gut knew that I didn't have the full story. Is this a possibility in your case too?

BreatheAgain10 posted 6/3/2014 15:47 PM

Personally, I needed the details because my imagination was a thousand times worse than what the reality was (at least that's what my fWH convinced me of over the last 4 yrs). You may end up with more triggers the more you know, but if your WH is doing all he can to help you heal, those triggers can begin to subside with time, patience, and comfort from him.

clueless1 posted 6/3/2014 16:19 PM

I felt and sometimes still feel the same way. My D-Day was 6 weeks ago. I went looking for answers and I found (some). I went with my impulse and spoke to OW. I can't tell you it helped because it truly didn't. But it did satisfy my curiosity. Don't know if it'll be the same for you. I don't know how long it takes for this to feel better and I still can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. Best of luck to you and keep the faith. You are strong.

Wytuka posted 6/3/2014 17:02 PM

I had to have all the details, because otherwise my imagination ran wild and I imagined things that were worse. Well, as if it could be worse, but at the same time it could.

I don't regret demanding and getting details. They hurt. They cause triggers. But not as bad as my imagination caused.

OutoftheDeep posted 6/3/2014 17:53 PM

Sometimes the need for details is based on a need to know there is NOTHING left that is just between WS/OP. Every ugly detail a BS learns, no longer belongs to the WS/OP, is no longer a secret, and no longer perpetuates a world they created that is "just for them". To me, unspoken details remain a bond between WS/OP.

But, I do totally understand not wanting to know details, as well.

bigskyblues posted 6/4/2014 04:11 AM

Zeekitty, I understand the need for details being overwhelming. In my case it all transpired so fast from DDay to divorce I never got much for details. After time that obsession began to fade to the point where I just don't care, I have moved on.

Is there some other activity you could focus that energy/obsession on? Exercise is one of the most effective ways to burn off a lot of that obsessive energy.


OakStreet posted 6/4/2014 05:24 AM

Everyone is different in how much detail they want to know about the A.

I have seen postings here where the BS asked for (and received) graphic details of sexual encounters.

Other people just want a timeline of when & where the affair activities took place.

Therapists also differ in their opinion about how much info is "healthy" for R.

This decision is YOURS. You get to decide how much info you need. It may be painful, but in my case, the scenarios I imagined were worse than the ones that took place.

Good luck to you!

zeekitty posted 6/4/2014 11:14 AM

Thank you, all.

I found this the other day:

It speaks to what I'm feeling.

hopefull77 posted 6/4/2014 20:06 PM

At almost 19 months out I don't need all the nitty gritty details...I am sure he had some great SEX ....but now he knows the difference between sex and making love....
I know he justified it all in his broken mind....but now his mind is clear....
remorse is different than regret...I am sure in the becoming he had it is all about remorse...big difference....
Connection and communication...that is why we are better than ever...
when I feel stuck I talk to him....
We connect by holding hands...I love holding hands..we had not done that for years....
think's where you want to micro step at a time...
I wish you peace

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