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should I stay or should i go....again

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lucy17 posted 6/3/2014 12:29 PM

MC asked me what's holding me back from wanting to renew my vows (mmmm...let me think--my WH was/is a selfish jerkface who screwed some girl who flirted with him, lied to my face, and treated me like crap). I get it. WH and I are doing goal-setting and that is a goal. But it hasn't even been a year and I am still so so hurt. I still have days I don't even want to look at him. Sometimes, I just want to run away, even leaving my most precious daughter so I will never, ever have to see him again. Then he would never be able to so completely degrade me. I would start over somewhere, far, far away and forget this life. Then the three of us are playing a game or outside playing catch and I just love my family and can't imagine my life without them. Then I just want to take my daughter and start over as a split family. Then.....
For the longest time I hated myself. I hated myself for not being enough, for being so trusting and stupid. Now, sometime I hate him. I hate him and I love him and he disgusts and inspires me. I'm a mess of confusion and I don't know where I am going or what I will choose. Next month is 1-year. It feels like a lifetime.

IWantDoOver posted 6/3/2014 12:53 PM

All of us have 3 choices:
*Toward (Approach)
*Away (Avoid) Flight
*Against (Attack) Fight

Personally, I connect emotions with each action: Toward is Happiness and Love; Away is Fear and Sadness; Against is Anger and Disgust.

sometime I hate him. I hate him and I love him and he disgusts and inspires me.

Ambivalence will lead to self-doubt and eventually depression. Moving toward him will save your M; Fighting and conflict avoidance will lead to D.

Do you have an IC to help you make the best choice for you and your daughter?

TheIrishGirl posted 6/3/2014 13:40 PM

I hope to one day be in a position to renew our vows. And next time I want us to write our own, maybe together, because if they are our own words they have to mean more (ironically I chose the standard catholic vows because they seem sacred and stood the test of time... Fail). I am not in that spot right now, and don't expect I will be for a LONG time. It seems unreasonable to me for your MC to want you ready for that in one years time. Maybe start working on vows in the mean time? It's not about promising how you'll feel, it's about promising behaviors and actions- maybe you're in a position to think about those for now and it is a concrete step towards renewing?

Have you seen "Crazy Stupid Love" with Steve Carell and Julianne Moore? In the last scene there is a speech including: "I've loved you even when I've hated you... You married folks know what I'm talking about". That's taken on a whole new meaning for me since DDay, and makes me feel less crazy.

Trigger warning- if you haven't seen the movie, infidelity is a major part.

I think I can posted 6/3/2014 14:25 PM

Holy crap you aren't even a year out and the MC wants you to recommit? You haven't even had the "I'm trapped" year 2 yet. How experienced is this MC in infidelity?

MJane posted 6/4/2014 07:52 AM

Feel all the same things - am 9 months in and have a young child. Like you there are days we are together - laughing over BBQ, playing in park - and I feel truly happy not to have walked. Then something sparks what happened and i think of all those months he treated me like I was invisible, watched me cry and try to save a M when I didn't understand what was wrong, when he lied to my face and was sleeping with another woman while making me feel guilty for approaching the topic of lack of sex by saying he was so busy and tired and I was "pressuring" him. I feel like a fool and I feel like a doormat and want to walk on those days....a big part of me wants to walk away and start again - alone or with someone who actually hasn't betrayed everything we ever stood for. We were not just husband and wife - i thought we were best friends - how do you treat someone like dirt and then proclaim to love them (and to have "always" loved them even during the A). I know lots of people on here successfully R but i remain skeptical that is possible for me. The hurt is so raw and he has blown up my world and my deep desire for a settled loving family life after a horrid childhood of my own. He knew my past and he knew how vulnerable something like this would make me feel yet he went away and did it anyway....I wonder if I haven't walked because I am a coward or because I truly believe I can work through this pain. There would be no way I would consider wedding vows in three months from now - frankly I'd dump your MC....

rachelc posted 6/4/2014 07:58 AM

what I think I can said... this is way too soon to recommit as well. This is a lengthy marathon type process.

Anger, sadness and ambivilence are ok. Acceptable. I do not agree with Iwantdoover in that you are turning away when you have these feelings. You're protecting yourself. There is nothing wrong with feeling sad about what happened. It's part of the grief process. Let that happen first before you recommit.

deena04 posted 6/4/2014 08:10 AM

You need to take your time to decide and decide when YOU feel it's time, not when WS or MC or anyone else says to. Pressure = lack of understanding and lack or remorse, in my opinion. Take care!!

lucy17 posted 6/4/2014 10:54 AM

Thank you everyone. It feels so...validating to be understood. Yes. One year out is too soon to renew vows. I am not going to renew vows in 2014. I am not ready. I'm still too up and down, even while I am medicated. I get to wait until I am ready.
WH and I had a discussion last night about how I am no longer the devoted wife. I don't trust him and I have a Plan B (divorce...who my divorce lawyer would be, the custody arrangement, the financial split....). WH said that hurts him but I have every right to be there for as long as I need to be, even if that is forever and he will choose to be the devoted husband he should have been all along and cherish every day I continue to let him be in my life. Words, words, words. Time will tell if actions match up to such nice words.

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