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Newest Member: Calmate (46012)

User Topic: should I stay or should i go....again
lucy17
♀ 40187
Member # 40187
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MC asked me what's holding me back from wanting to renew my vows (mmmm...let me think--my WH was/is a selfish jerkface who screwed some girl who flirted with him, lied to my face, and treated me like crap). I get it. WH and I are doing goal-setting and that is a goal. But it hasn't even been a year and I am still so so hurt. I still have days I don't even want to look at him. Sometimes, I just want to run away, even leaving my most precious daughter so I will never, ever have to see him again. Then he would never be able to so completely degrade me. I would start over somewhere, far, far away and forget this life. Then the three of us are playing a game or outside playing catch and I just love my family and can't imagine my life without them. Then I just want to take my daughter and start over as a split family. Then.....
For the longest time I hated myself. I hated myself for not being enough, for being so trusting and stupid. Now, sometime I hate him. I hate him and I love him and he disgusts and inspires me. I'm a mess of confusion and I don't know where I am going or what I will choose. Next month is 1-year. It feels like a lifetime.


“The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places." Hemingway
Me- BS 35
Him- WS 40
1 child- 9 years old
together 17 years, married 14 years
Dday1- 7/7/13
Dday2- 8/12/13
The rollercoaster of R

Posts: 140 | Registered: Aug 2013
IWantDoOver
39440
Member # 39440
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All of us have 3 choices:
*Toward (Approach)
*Away (Avoid) Flight
*Against (Attack) Fight

Personally, I connect emotions with each action: Toward is Happiness and Love; Away is Fear and Sadness; Against is Anger and Disgust.

sometime I hate him. I hate him and I love him and he disgusts and inspires me.

Ambivalence will lead to self-doubt and eventually depression. Moving toward him will save your M; Fighting and conflict avoidance will lead to D.

Do you have an IC to help you make the best choice for you and your daughter?


Peace

Posts: 221 | Registered: Jun 2013
TheIrishGirl
♀ 43496
Member # 43496
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope to one day be in a position to renew our vows. And next time I want us to write our own, maybe together, because if they are our own words they have to mean more (ironically I chose the standard catholic vows because they seem sacred and stood the test of time... Fail). I am not in that spot right now, and don't expect I will be for a LONG time. It seems unreasonable to me for your MC to want you ready for that in one years time. Maybe start working on vows in the mean time? It's not about promising how you'll feel, it's about promising behaviors and actions- maybe you're in a position to think about those for now and it is a concrete step towards renewing?

Have you seen "Crazy Stupid Love" with Steve Carell and Julianne Moore? In the last scene there is a speech including: "I've loved you even when I've hated you... You married folks know what I'm talking about". That's taken on a whole new meaning for me since DDay, and makes me feel less crazy.

Trigger warning- if you haven't seen the movie, infidelity is a major part.


Me: 31, BW Him: 38, WH
2 children (ours) 7/11 & 3/14
D-day 4/18/14 I saw his 'other' email

Posts: 802 | Registered: May 2014
I think I can
♀ 17756
Member # 17756
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Holy crap you aren't even a year out and the MC wants you to recommit? You haven't even had the "I'm trapped" year 2 yet. How experienced is this MC in infidelity?


I'm not the winner, I'm the prize.

Posts: 8849 | Registered: Jan 2008
MJane
♀ 40571
Member # 40571
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Feel all the same things - am 9 months in and have a young child. Like you there are days we are together - laughing over BBQ, playing in park - and I feel truly happy not to have walked. Then something sparks what happened and i think of all those months he treated me like I was invisible, watched me cry and try to save a M when I didn't understand what was wrong, when he lied to my face and was sleeping with another woman while making me feel guilty for approaching the topic of lack of sex by saying he was so busy and tired and I was "pressuring" him. I feel like a fool and I feel like a doormat and want to walk on those days....a big part of me wants to walk away and start again - alone or with someone who actually hasn't betrayed everything we ever stood for. We were not just husband and wife - i thought we were best friends - how do you treat someone like dirt and then proclaim to love them (and to have "always" loved them even during the A). I know lots of people on here successfully R but i remain skeptical that is possible for me. The hurt is so raw and he has blown up my world and my deep desire for a settled loving family life after a horrid childhood of my own. He knew my past and he knew how vulnerable something like this would make me feel yet he went away and did it anyway....I wonder if I haven't walked because I am a coward or because I truly believe I can work through this pain. There would be no way I would consider wedding vows in three months from now - frankly I'd dump your MC....

Posts: 260 | Registered: Sep 2013
rachelc
♀ 30314
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

what I think I can said... this is way too soon to recommit as well. This is a lengthy marathon type process.

Anger, sadness and ambivilence are ok. Acceptable. I do not agree with Iwantdoover in that you are turning away when you have these feelings. You're protecting yourself. There is nothing wrong with feeling sad about what happened. It's part of the grief process. Let that happen first before you recommit.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5739 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
deena04
♀ 41741
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You need to take your time to decide and decide when YOU feel it's time, not when WS or MC or anyone else says to. Pressure = lack of understanding and lack or remorse, in my opinion. Take care!!


Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
L-I-B-E-R-A-T-I-N-G ME

Posts: 1301 | Registered: Dec 2013
lucy17
♀ 40187
Member # 40187
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you everyone. It feels so...validating to be understood. Yes. One year out is too soon to renew vows. I am not going to renew vows in 2014. I am not ready. I'm still too up and down, even while I am medicated. I get to wait until I am ready.
WH and I had a discussion last night about how I am no longer the devoted wife. I don't trust him and I have a Plan B (divorce...who my divorce lawyer would be, the custody arrangement, the financial split....). WH said that hurts him but I have every right to be there for as long as I need to be, even if that is forever and he will choose to be the devoted husband he should have been all along and cherish every day I continue to let him be in my life. Words, words, words. Time will tell if actions match up to such nice words.


“The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places." Hemingway
Me- BS 35
Him- WS 40
1 child- 9 years old
together 17 years, married 14 years
Dday1- 7/7/13
Dday2- 8/12/13
The rollercoaster of R

Posts: 140 | Registered: Aug 2013
Topic Posts: 8

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