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Newest Member: Thankful (46008)

User Topic: Help!!!!!!!!!
blakesteele
♂ 38044
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just got into my suit.....interview in 45 minutes.

Checked wife's laptop.....:yep, she visited his business face book page!!!

Called her. Asked 3 times. 3 lies.

Finally
Admitted.

Had been there before....not a lot, but a few times since NC.


I am f'ing pissed!!!!!!

Maybe should go in general forum.....but my core friends are here.

Please help!

God be with me.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4126 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Rebreather
♀ 30817
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ignore this until after your interview.

Focus on YOU.

Get to a place of balance. Do what is best for YOU. Get this promotion!!!

Do it!

The rest will WAIT.

Go get em!!!


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Rec'd.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6693 | Registered: Jan 2011
brokensmile322
♀ 35758
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Deep breaths, Blake! Deep breaths!

Take this and put it into a box right now. For now. You can do it. Place it in, Zip it up and place it on a shelf. Visual yourself doing it with all the feelings you are feeling about it right now. Put them in there too. And GO ROCK THAT INTERVIEW….for you!

Do it for you, Blake!

You got this! You can do it. Make your girls proud.

DO NOT LET THIS CRUMBLE YOU OR AFFECT THE INTERVIEW. Do.NOT.

We can talk about your wife and her looking AFTER. Right now----go rock this thing. For YOU, for YOUR GIRLS!


Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."


Posts: 1607 | Registered: Jun 2012
5454real
♂ 37455
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I I am so sorry brother.That's the last thing you need it before this interview.

I no it will be difficult, but put all your focus there right now.I have a lot more, but I'm sure others will be voicing their support also.

Right now, focus on you.

as always, sending strength.


((((Blake))))


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 21(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 3285 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
kiki1
♀ 37184
Member # 37184
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Blakesteele)))

Set it aside for now, rock out that interview!!!

You've been so helpful to others here, sending you good karma for all you've been to others.


Posts: 701 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: new york
AML04
♀ 39682
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope you are/have rocked your interview!! In this moment she doesn't matter. Focus on yourself!!

You have given your strength and wisdom to so many others, let us be here for you. We're always here for you to lean on. Take care of yourself!


Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
Met 2000, Married 2004
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13
Hopeful for R

Posts: 875 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
seethelight
♀ 43513
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Blakesteele:

Good luck on the interview.

As my IC says, it's time to start focusing on you.

If she doesn't like it. It's time to say goodbye.


“If two people truly have feelings for one another then they don’t have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1516 | Registered: May 2014
Lyonesse
♀ 32943
Member # 32943
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sending support and mojo.

At the moment, the interview is the only thing that matters. The only thing.

WW is a problem that can be dealt with in the afternoon.

Best wishes.


Me: BS, 40's.

Posts: 1808 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: West Coast
blakesteele
♂ 38044
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks guys. Surprisingly okay now..../what a trigger!!!!!


Thanks for the hand of fellowship.....kept me from falling to the bottom of a pit.

Choices.......I have choices.


God is with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 1:14 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4126 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Twentyplus
♀ 39593
Member # 39593
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I swear I felt that like it happened to me. Strange how this shit works...

As a BS I have a NC agreement with MYSELF re my viewing OW's silly ass FB page & retriggering myself by knowing of her activities. I have had that intention for my recovery for more than a year. I have broken this NC at least 10 or more times, never to the good of the M. Yet I have zero interest in contacting or engaging OW there or anywhere. Social media can be a pitfall for all of us, but often just a temporary mental blip, compulsion, that evaporates in hours & means little to the bigger picture of R.

I truly believe that will be the case for you & WW. Effing unfortunate timing, that's for sure. You have handled well so far. I hope you will continue to approach with compassion.

((My best to you both.))


"But we must supply our own light." - Stanley Kubrick


Posts: 68 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: The Big Blue Sea
ItsaClimb
♀ 37107
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{blake}}


BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 1025 | Registered: Oct 2012
Jrazz
♀ 31349
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((blake)))

I'm so sorry. Take deep breaths.

I've learned that if I have something logistically or emotionally important to do, I don't submit my ticket to triggertown until afterwards.

I'm really sorry you had to discover that. We're here for you or in General - wherever you need to be.


"Welcome the rawness of vulnerability as an opportunity to open." - Pema Chodron

Posts: 18670 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
karmahappens
♀ 35846
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good thoughts. ...put the rest on hold.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3872 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Althea
♀ 37765
Member # 37765
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Blake, I just saw this; but it looks like you got this. Remember, lovingly disengage, and if you can't do that angrily disengage. There is nothing for you to do until AFTER this interview.


Taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 464 | Registered: Dec 2012
rachelc
♀ 30314
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Blskesteele- I'm so sorry.
Just remember -you have done the work. You. Have. Done. The. Work! Lean on that and what you've learned so far.
You will be ok. Gracerunner really needs to step it up.
A few days ago you posted something that stuck out to me and I didn't day anything and I should have.
You said you guys are having a tough time with sexual intimacy. And I thought ok, someone's head is not in this!

Why did you look at her laptop? General checkup or gut telling you something?

By now your interview is probably over. However this goes it goes. You will be ok,

Peace friend!!!

[This message edited by rachelc at 3:16 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)]


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5736 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
blakesteele
♂ 38044
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gut rachelc. A general pattern I noted this week.

Nothing as strong as summer of affair....but similar.

Pulled back a bit, kinda there for me but not, .....and my response to that. Me saying "it's all good, your fine, nothing's wrong" to myself.


Positive side here? Was only a week before I chose differently......waaaayyy better than the decades prior!

God is with us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4126 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Arnold01
♀ 39751
Member # 39751
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just read this and saw your other post that the interview went well. Congratulations! That's a victory on many levels, regardless of what happens with the promotion, and you should be proud of how you navigated today's surprise. It's impressive and inspiring to me, especially when I experienced the same surprise (H looking up OW on Facebook) last week for the first time and didn't handle it nearly as well.

Wishing you strength and wisdom in navigating this with your wife, and keep us posted on the interview decision.


D-Day: June 2013 discovered two-month EA/PA
NC established: August 2013
Reconciling

Posts: 121 | Registered: Jul 2013
sisoon
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((blakesteele)))

You've developed a lot of strength in the last 2 years, so you can be the person you want to be. Slow down and breathe and be yourself.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10744 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
needfriendshere
♀ 43350
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Blakesteel))))

I am so glad the interview went well. What a great confidence boost and just when you need it.

As for your WW and checking the OM's FB page, my feelings are that if that is the extent of her contact with the OM, talk it out with her, and make sure she knows that is not acceptable. Period. The ugly truth of these hideous A's is that our WS's still do think of their AP's sometimes. We are kidding ourselves if we think they have completely forgotten them. In their own weird way, they too are healing.

Hang in there! Believe me, I know how painful it was for you to see that. My heart goes out to you, buddy! I hope your "little talk" with her goes well. Please let us know what happens. We are pulling for you - for this and for your job!


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 456 | Registered: May 2014
blakesteele
♂ 38044
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the unfailing support.

It appears it was just lurking. Have no way to verify. Sooooo, trust is a choice. I choosing to trust her without the benefit of verifying.

Throw back to CoD? To soon to tell.

Talk went okay. Some defensiveness from her, some reminding me of my faults and stumbles of the past.....some expressing thoughts rather than feelings, a question or two meant to distract or draw us into a side trip.

Positive summary:

We both recognized the unhealthy cycle we nibbled at but did not fully engage in

She found the courage to express a few painful feelings.

I listened.....really listened.

Talked about a joint FB page....instead of our own pages. Not hard for me as I was less of a FB user before......really lost interest after it's tie to her A.

And I was totally in the moment for my 2 hour interview!


That. Is. Huge for me. I seriously felt like another DD just occurred. A new thought was to hefty bag....but remembered feelings are NOT dictators. I had healthier choices. I CAN choose better. I had one fact to base an action on......but not enough to understand the sitch. I opted to stay with my feelings and focus on all the facts of the sitch.

Not enough to take full action, but enough to express my feelings to my wife. Anger, fear, and shock were the three big ones.

Taco night with our girls.....nephews down too! Heading to a state park for all day fun tomorrow!


I am truly blessed and have more than I deserve.

I don't deserve ya'lls support. My choices to reach for and use false intimacies in my past triggers some of you......sexual sin of my own....I know. And yet, you are here for me.

Grace in action.

Thank you.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 6:36 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4126 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Topic Posts: 34
Pages: 1 · 2

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