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Bookworm428 posted 6/3/2014 14:06 PM

I'm new here and it's been several months since I found out what was going on with my husband. We've been married for five years (had actually just celebrated our fifth anniversary) when I found out he was having an online affair. He and her were trading nude pics. He says it's no big deal because he didn't actually physically do anything with her. I'm so so angry. I've been angry for months and haven't been able to move past it. I can't talk to anyone about it except him (he won't let me) and he doesn't like talking to me about it because he's ashamed (his words). I don't know what I'm doing. I feel like I'm going crazy. He tells me I'm overreacting, it was a stupid mistake, and I should trust him, but I don't and I can't. I'm just angry, and depressed, and feel like I'm losing my mind. Part of me feels like I am making too big of a deal about an online-only thing. Part of me feels like this is all my fault. Part of me hates him for doing this to our family. I can't stop my anger and it's making our marriage worse. I don't think we're going to make it.

LdyD posted 6/3/2014 14:15 PM

I'd be angry too! He's not owning his shit! He's not remorseful.

I've been angry for months and haven't been able to move past it. I can't talk to anyone about it except him (he won't let me) and he doesn't like talking to me about it because he's ashamed (his words).

1) He won't let you?!? Is he your father or husband? He does not own you! But very gently here... You are allowing him to control and manipulate you.

2) He's ashamed? GOOD! He Should be! But... Why is he ashamed if he doesn't think he did anything wrong?

3) infidelity does not have to be only physical! Anytime a spouse does something that they have to hide or doesn't want their spouses to know or see is cheating! Any time a spouse gives their attention/affection to someone else that takes their focus off of the M... That's cheating.

hear-me-roar posted 6/3/2014 15:37 PM

He is incorrect, it is a very "big deal". It seems his only concern is to trivialize his behavior so that he might not look so bad. He is not ashamed, really, or he would be considering the affect it has on you, rather than trying to under-mind and convince you otherwise. He appears to be able to persuade you easily. There should be no place in your life for a man/person who 'won't let you' do/say something. He doesn't like talking about it, not because he is ashamed, but because it makes him look bad and his ego probably cannot handle that.

If the furthest you have come for him to discuss it with you, is what you have stated here, then you should be happy that you might not make it with him in marriage. Mind you, what I say is based on only reading what you have in this post. I don't know all of the little ways you live with each other. I don't want to say it lightly if you feel you have a hopeful solid marriage that you want with him in the future. You are incorrect also to believe that any of what he did is your fault. You shouldn't have to fight for who you are in a relationship. There is no overreacting in this situation. Anger is the expected emotion. Anger is multiplied when the WS has no remorse and only thinks of how he will come out on top of the situation.

I don't believe the worst thing for you, would be to live without him. I believe the worst thing, is for you to live without yourself. When my mom passed away, I found a note to me from her. She said, "always think on your own brain, don't let others try to sway you". I tell you this now - always think on your own brain. Peace to you.

Wodnships posted 6/3/2014 15:43 PM

I can't talk to anyone about it except him (he won't let me)

He doesn't have to let you do anything. You should be doing whatever you need to to heal. If that isn't okay with him, let him go. Right now he's not being forced to deal with the consequences of his actions because you are letting him dictate the rules of your healing.

Bookworm428 posted 6/3/2014 19:04 PM

Yeah, I guess he can be a bit manipulative. I'm kind of a pushover, so I guess that's why it works on me. Also my only other relationship was quite physically and emotionally abusive, so I guess I'm not the most stable person. I didn't come across well on this post. I was mostly wondering what other people do to get past their anger so they can start moving into getting past this incident.

Merida posted 6/3/2014 19:27 PM

absolutely DO NOT look to "get past" this incident unless and until your wayward "fixes his shit"

This is EXACTLY how my WH started his improper coping with stress - going online and "just chatting." A year or so later I find pics of his parts and confront him about it... and boy am I remorseful that I didn't make a bigger deal of it then

I completely let it go seeing how he said how embarrassed he was yadda yadda

liar

5 years later and he's piled on tons more crap in to his head to now justify meeting some random CL whores starting when I am 4 months pregnant. He makes it through 3 (if i believe him) of these dom types when the preggo chick traps him...dummy didn't even have the common sense to EVER use condoms thank goodness I tested negative

oh no... your guy is so rugsweeping

work with him so that he deals with his poor boundary and improper "stress relief" or be prepared to walk

honestly I am at the point where I am regretting that I had kids with my WH... I have an OC mess on my hands and boy am I kicking myself now for being so "easy going" back in 2003 and not in realizing at all how disrespectful he was to me

sunvalley posted 6/3/2014 21:01 PM

I'm sorry bookworm. I will try to be as gently honest as I can, but I didn't think my H going online doing whatever he was doing was a big deal either and neither did he at first. I didn't know about any online As, but whatever he was up to I never really pushed to look into because I downplayed it. It turns out that his need for attention/validation and some big issues I didn't know were going on with him made him seek out online dating sites and do as yours did (photo exchanges, sexual chat). That only lasted a matter of time before someone offered to meet him in person and was persistent. He 'rationalized' to himself that he had no interest in this person (and he didn't) physically or emotionally, so it would be no big deal to go meet her and he didn't even believe he would cheat on me so he met her for coffee...it all went downhill from there. 4PAs with old women he wasn't attracted to, unprotected sex, brought them to my home, you name it...so yes, what he thinks isn't a 'big deal' is the door that opens up to PAs. And quite frankly the online exchanges are As as well.

The realization of all of this post Dday for me made me think that I should have been more persistent in knowing what he was up to online, being more active in discussing what he was doing and who he was speaking to...I had NO idea. I just thought he was looking at porn or forums on some of his hobbies, I trusted that was what he was doing and never once suspected he was talking to OW. I never thought it would result in the pain I am suffering from today.

Please do not rugsweep this at all or allow him to tell you to. His behavior is already inappropriate enough, but it can get worse. My H thought he was the last person to ever have an A, everyone around us did too. The people he had the As with are as far from anyone he would date as possible (much older, rough looking, etc), he had issues 'performing' and yet he continued to do it for 3yrs. He never thought he would talk to strangers online, he never thought he would meet them in person and he never thought he would end up at a hotel with them, or in a car, or whatever other seedy quick place they could find. He hated himself each time he did it, yet he did it. This can happen if your spouse doesn't realize the impact of his actions, and what he has done is already cheating as you can see by many others posts.

The bottom line is you can't change someone who doesn't want to change, he needs to realize what he has done and seek help but you need to take care of YOU. Others can give more advise on that part of things, as I don't think I'm doing such a great job of that myself, however the whole 'it was only online' thing resonates so much with me because my H got to that point and thought that was 'all' (which is still too much) it would ever be. I understand your rationale of that he never physically betrayed you, but he was on that path by having these loose boundaries and if he doesn't realize that, what's to stop him from taking it to the next level when someone offers?

sunvalley posted 6/3/2014 21:07 PM

I'm sorry, I know you're looking for advise on how to get past the anger more than all the other info we are providing and I would recommend IC for that, but honestly it's very hard to get past the anger if you remain with an unremorseful spouse IMO. Anger is self preserving emotion when we are hurt. It protects us from being hurt again, and it can be healthy if we express it properly. If the person who has caused you pain doesn't understand that they are hurting you, or care, then how can you ever let that anger go and trust them again? For me personally, my walls would be up firmly if each time I approached the subject I was told to either stop talking about it or it was no big deal...the anger would unleash over and over like a vicious cycle to protect me from being vulnerable and hurt yet again. I'm not telling you to leave your situation, that is a personal decision, but I am telling you that if your H is downplaying and brushing you off then he doesn't sound very remorseful or understanding of the impact of his actions. If it was no big deal to him, does that mean he would repeat the behavior if given the opportunity? If so, how does that sit with you? Would he be open to the possibility of IC or MC? Perhaps something like that would open his eyes a little?

doggiediva posted 6/3/2014 21:33 PM

Online Cheating is cheating..

Online sexual exchanges don't have to progress to actual face to face meetings to result in the arrest of your WH....If the AP is under age..If the AP is part of a set up or sting...

But chances are his A was a physical one as well

The best way to get past your anger, if you intend to stay with your WH, is for your WH to PROVE he has remorse for his behavior and its affect on you..

From what you wrote in your post, your WH is disrespectful of your feelings and needs in order to for you to move past this....

His is the behavior of someone who doesn't value your relationship and friendship enough to do whatever it takes to repair the connection..

He only seems to do or say what it takes so that you don't kick him out or disrupt his life at home..

No wonder you are angry and can't get past it...Your feelings are normal!

[This message edited by doggiediva at 9:34 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)]