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Hrtbrkn2 posted 6/3/2014 15:16 PM

I have just found out that my husband of 29 years has been having an affair for the past 6 years. I am devastated and don't know what to do

painpaingoaway posted 6/3/2014 15:22 PM

Welcome sweetie. You are not alone.

How long have you known?

TrustedHer posted 6/3/2014 15:33 PM

I am devastated and don't know what to do


Drink water.

When you get a chance, eat something. Or drink a smoothie, or some Ensure.

Read in the Healing Library. There's a link in the yellow box at the upper left of your screen.

Post more here.

We've all been hurt like you. You WILL survive this.

There's nothing you need to do today, that can't wait until tomorrow. Except take care of yourself.

Didact posted 6/3/2014 15:39 PM

I know you're in hell right now.

You are not alone. My wife of 29 years was also having a long term affair.

It gets better, though that's unimaginable right now.

Listen to the folks that come along here, they are very wise, they've seen it all.

One of the few things I did right: I told myself that I needed to be in a much saner place before I'd consider Reconciling or Divorcing.

Right now your focus should be on surviving the next few weeks. People with much more specific advice will come along, but I'll repeat what TrustedHer said: breathe and drink, and (if you can) try to eat something.


byefornow posted 6/3/2014 16:31 PM

take a deep breath. and know we are here for you.

I have been married 27 years. My husband had a LTA that was discovered in October 2013.

I wish I had some magic pellets to sprinkle on you to help take the pain away. All I have is hugs and please know you are not alone.


StillStanding1 posted 6/3/2014 16:49 PM

There are many of us out here who can relate.... And provide support as you navigate this hell that's been thrust upon you.

You will be OK. Eventually. I am so sorry you are hurting. It is the most devastating thing that happened in my lifetime. But you will heal. Please keep posting. Share your story. Know you are not alone. We understand. We want to help.

Strength and hugs to you.

needfriendshere posted 6/3/2014 16:53 PM

Oh my! Welcome to the club. You poor thing. I know how you feel. My H just ended a 6-year affair after 23 years of marriage. It is so difficult to wrap your head around the sheer length of the relationship. You look at your life for the past 6 years and it all feels like a lie.

With that said, please tell us. What are his plans? Has he broken it off with her? And has he told her there will be NO MORE CONTACT? Is he willing to do what he needs to to make your M work?

As for you, my oh my. Details are going to begin to trickle in. Be careful how much you take in at a time. For a while there, my H just unloaded a lot of stuff on me and it was more than I could bear and I began drinking. Now I find that I can only handle the details in smaller chunks. 3 and 1/2 months later, they are still trickling in.

Take care of yourself. Try some relaxation Yoga. Eat well. If you pray, pray! And always know that we are here for you! You will hear this a lot - but you are now part of a club no one would ever want to join. But it is a club full of people who know how you feel and want to help you. I send you hugs!!!

hopefull77 posted 6/3/2014 20:07 PM

The pain of betrayal is something I would never wish on my worst enemy...
I promise you will find a strength you never thought you had....
The ego takes the biggest hit for sure...the feelings of worthlessness have been at times unbearable....
Feeling safe is a big H makes me feel helps me work on me....
we are ALL a work in progress...
life in the big picture is short....I know how precious life is....I'd rather spend most of my life happy....but that takes work...I am up for the can do this!!!

betrayedpregnant posted 6/3/2014 21:55 PM

hi hrtbrkn2... i can't even fathom the pain you are feeling right now. just know that my heart breaks for you and sending you hugs and prayers.

Got2GO posted 6/3/2014 22:27 PM

Sorry that you found yourself here. Follow the advice given. Then find your strength. Get all the money you can out of any bank accounts. Change the locks on the doors and put his shit out. This is only the affair you found out about! I guarantee there is probably more in 29 years. Find yourself a good lawyer. Move on and don't look back!

[This message edited by Got2GO at 10:29 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)]

BrokenheartedUK posted 6/4/2014 01:57 AM

I feel your pain. Literally. Welcome to hell.

Find a good therapist for yourself. Is your husband remorseful? Does he want to reconcile? Either way, getting a good MC is also useful at this point, even if you decide to split.

Also, find a good lawyer and go for a consultation. I did this three days after discovering that my husband had an affair and it shocked the hell out of him and it made me understand what my options were. All good.

You've got some dark days ahead and I'm sorry for that.

Big hugs!

Hrtbrkn2 posted 6/4/2014 06:30 AM

Thank you all for the kind words. As sad as it is there is comfort in knowing I'm not alone. Everything I read in the past few days deals with A that happen after a short time after marriage or one that didn't last long.
Yes he is remorseful and willing to do whatever he needs to to make our M work. He has made the NC phone call.
When I think back on the special times we had as a couple and family in the last 6 years it hurts knowing that it was a lie. Everything I see hear and do right now sends me into the darkest place I have ever been. I don't know what a panic attack is, but my chest hurts, I can't eat or sleep.
How long am I going to feel broken?

tfkeel posted 6/4/2014 06:51 AM

I felt "broken" for about 6 months.
I hope for you it's shorter.

MissWhoKnew posted 6/4/2014 07:35 AM

I too have been married 29 years and just finally figured everything out. It is hard to even fathom that the WH could do something like this. The best advice I got was to go to IC. I have only been a couple of times, but it is helping me see that I am truly in the driver's seat now.

The IC can prescribe you some medicine that helps you through the anxiety attacks and the times your mind starts running wild and you can't pull it back in. This is truly a grieving process. My WH is remorseful and doesn't want marriage to end.

At this point we remain together, but I have made it clear that this is not something you get over in a day and that I do not trust him. I am working through everything at my pace and with IC. I don't know what will happen in the long run. I do know that I will be okay on my own if need be and made sure he knew that.

Do not be surprised by some anger at him for you finding out about the affair. You will slowly start to see the signs over the next few months if he truly starts to see and feel the ramifications of what he did. The saying is true...I didn't know I could be in this much pain and not be dying.

painpaingoaway posted 6/4/2014 07:58 AM

I don't know what a panic attack is, but my chest hurts, I can't eat or sleep. How long am I going to feel broken?

You will get thru this, but I won't lie to you, the pain can last a very, very long time. Even now, at 4 years out from D-day, there are times that it can bring me to my knees.

This is pain unlike any other. We all have experienced different types of pain and losses in our lives, but this type of pain is so different. It is the pain of being BETRAYED by a loved one. It destroys our perception of the world around us in addition to our perception of our 'inner circle' of marriage and family. We are left bereft floating alone in a swirling pit of uncertainty without knowing what or whom to believe or trust. We feel that we can not even trust our own judgement, because we feel that we should have somehow known. We feel stupid, ugly, worthless, and useless. There is no comfort, because the only one that can comfort us is the one that betrayed us.

This type of pain can destroy us if we allow it too.

You MUST see your doctor and get something to take the edge off. Explain what has happened, the doc will understand, they have heard this story many many times before. While you are there, get tested for STD's. In the meantime, NO unprotected sex with your H. Your H must also be tested. The HIV test will need to be repeated several more times.

You must protect your health. I became very very sick. Probably half my hair fell out. I dropped 20 lbs in a matter of weeks. This is not healthy.

Eat what little you can force down, and stay hydrated.

We are here for you. Let us help.

devasted30 posted 6/4/2014 08:28 AM

What to do? That is a good question. At this time, the best thing you can do is put yourself first. Eat if you can, drink plenty of fluids, exercise and try to get some sleep. Way easier said then done. This is going to last a long, long time. I am not going to sugarcoat it because it is the hardest thing I have ever done. But, I am 17 months out and my days are no longer consumed with the pain and anger. And yes, there will be anger and it will be bad. Very bad. But, you can get through this. My WS cheated for 7 years and we had been together for 29 years when I found out. I was completely blind sided and yes, it does seems like for those 7 years were a huge lie. A farce. Celebrating birthdays, anniversaries, Christmases etc and all the while, they were cheating. And all the time, we were totally unaware of it. It's the worst type of betrayal. But, you can get through this. There will be times you will wish you were dead because the pain will be so horribly all consuming. But, we are here to tell you that there is life after this. I didn't believe it either, but, there is. Get into IC as quickly as you can. If your WS is remorseful and wants to keep your marriage, he needs to be fully transparent (a hard thing for them to do, no make that probably impossible) and he will need to get into IC as well. You will need MC because this is just way too big for you to struggle through on your own. Expect that your WS will probably continue to lie to you about details etc because they go into some kind of a self-preservation mode now. They know you need ALL the truth, but the % of them just cannot bring themselves to do it. They don't want to hurt us more than they already have. They are afraid we will kick them to the curb. They are afraid of your anger. There are 100+ reasons and they do not understand how important it is that they give us full disclosure no matter how often we tell them. It just won't sink in. So, be prepared because it will get way worse before it starts to get better. This will take anywhere between 2- 5 years to get through. It will be hard. It will hurt. It will bring you to your knees many, many times. But, you can get through this. You really can. I know it doesn't seem possible, but you can.
I am so sorry you are here, but rest assured we are here to help and we have all gone through it. We are the best group of people you never wanted to meet.

Hrtbrkn2 posted 6/4/2014 09:00 AM

Is it wrong or self destructing to want to know the details? WH says that the physical contact was minimal, 4 x (that he admits to) the rest was phone sex or JUST conversation! I keep looking at the phone bills and wondering how he could talk to me and the next minute call her. I know that there is way more connection than he will admit, she was a high school girlfriend. I know that this would still be going on if I hadn't found out and that hurts really bad!!!! He says that he has been honest and told me everything minus details but my gut tells me that there is more but he doesn't want to hurt me anymore than he already has. What I can't make him understand is that not knowing is worse than knowing!

strad posted 6/4/2014 09:23 AM

Hrtbrkn, I'm just so sorry. My husband of 26 years cheated on me with an old girlfriend also, from college. As far as I know they're still together.

As for what he's telling you about the affair: he's been lying to you for many years and it's now a well established and well practiced habit that he's become comfortable with. Personally, I would assume that everything coming out of his mouth is a lie until proven otherwise by verifiable facts. 4 sexual encounters in 7 years? PLEASE. I don't believe that for a minute. He's minimizing things to make this affair seem not so bad. After all, he's been enjoying his girlfriend and his wife for quite a while,and probably doesn't want to lose either one of you. The fact that he says he has been honest with you is absolutely laughable. Honest with you about what?

BrokenheartedUK posted 6/4/2014 09:29 AM


Right. Get on Amazon pronto mush. Order "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass and Linda Macdonald's "How to help your spouse get over your affair". They both advocate that the betrayer is honest and forthcoming about the details that the betrayed spouse (you) need to hear. This is normal even though like all this shit it will feel crazy to you for a while.

Of course you are devastated. You have every right. In my case I was literally number for about 2 months and then that wore off and the real pain began. So prepare yourself for some dark days. Find a good local therapist and get that started.

Again, hugs. I'm so sorry that this has happened to you.

[This message edited by BrokenheartedUK at 9:30 AM, June 4th (Wednesday)]

cantbelieve posted 6/4/2014 10:17 AM


My FWS cheated on me with a co-worker after 19 years of marriage. His affair lasted 4 years. Unfortunately, I don't believe he has told you the whole story. Mine told me it was only about 4 trips and lasted a year. Over the next few months, I kept searching for information and found out that it was actually more than a year. While we were in R, he came home and I asked him when the last time was he saw her and he actually had to guts to say, "I had drinks with her today". Shit hit the fan and we had a long talk (I was ready to walk and I think he finally panicked). His A lasted 4 years and he continued for 6 months while we were in R. Not that your WS will do the same, but, I was more hurt that he would continue. I wanted to know everything but the gross details. But I would keep my senses on alert and dig for more information.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

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