How long have you known?
I am devastated and don't know what to do
When you get a chance, eat something. Or drink a smoothie, or some Ensure.
Read in the Healing Library. There's a link in the yellow box at the upper left of your screen.
Post more here.
We've all been hurt like you. You WILL survive this.
There's nothing you need to do today, that can't wait until tomorrow. Except take care of yourself.
You are not alone. My wife of 29 years was also having a long term affair.
It gets better, though that's unimaginable right now.
Listen to the folks that come along here, they are very wise, they've seen it all.
One of the few things I did right: I told myself that I needed to be in a much saner place before I'd consider Reconciling or Divorcing.
Right now your focus should be on surviving the next few weeks. People with much more specific advice will come along, but I'll repeat what TrustedHer said: breathe and drink, and (if you can) try to eat something.
BH (Me) 49
D-Day Mar 19, 2014
1 year passionate EA/PA, ended by me on d-day.
Attempting to R
I have been married 27 years. My husband had a LTA that was discovered in October 2013.
I wish I had some magic pellets to sprinkle on you to help take the pain away. All I have is hugs and please know you are not alone.
You will be OK. Eventually. I am so sorry you are hurting. It is the most devastating thing that happened in my lifetime. But you will heal. Please keep posting. Share your story. Know you are not alone. We understand. We want to help.
Strength and hugs to you.
With that said, please tell us. What are his plans? Has he broken it off with her? And has he told her there will be NO MORE CONTACT? Is he willing to do what he needs to to make your M work?
As for you, my oh my. Details are going to begin to trickle in. Be careful how much you take in at a time. For a while there, my H just unloaded a lot of stuff on me and it was more than I could bear and I began drinking. Now I find that I can only handle the details in smaller chunks. 3 and 1/2 months later, they are still trickling in.
Take care of yourself. Try some relaxation Yoga. Eat well. If you pray, pray! And always know that we are here for you! You will hear this a lot - but you are now part of a club no one would ever want to join. But it is a club full of people who know how you feel and want to help you. I send you hugs!!!
" I will not define myself by what went wrong yesterday when I can draw upon Life and Love right now." R.R
[This message edited by Got2GO at 10:29 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)]
Find a good therapist for yourself. Is your husband remorseful? Does he want to reconcile? Either way, getting a good MC is also useful at this point, even if you decide to split.
Also, find a good lawyer and go for a consultation. I did this three days after discovering that my husband had an affair and it shocked the hell out of him and it made me understand what my options were. All good.
You've got some dark days ahead and I'm sorry for that.
The IC can prescribe you some medicine that helps you through the anxiety attacks and the times your mind starts running wild and you can't pull it back in. This is truly a grieving process. My WH is remorseful and doesn't want marriage to end.
At this point we remain together, but I have made it clear that this is not something you get over in a day and that I do not trust him. I am working through everything at my pace and with IC. I don't know what will happen in the long run. I do know that I will be okay on my own if need be and made sure he knew that.
Do not be surprised by some anger at him for you finding out about the affair. You will slowly start to see the signs over the next few months if he truly starts to see and feel the ramifications of what he did. The saying is true...I didn't know I could be in this much pain and not be dying.
You will get thru this, but I won't lie to you, the pain can last a very, very long time. Even now, at 4 years out from D-day, there are times that it can bring me to my knees.
This is pain unlike any other. We all have experienced different types of pain and losses in our lives, but this type of pain is so different. It is the pain of being BETRAYED by a loved one. It destroys our perception of the world around us in addition to our perception of our 'inner circle' of marriage and family. We are left bereft floating alone in a swirling pit of uncertainty without knowing what or whom to believe or trust. We feel that we can not even trust our own judgement, because we feel that we should have somehow known. We feel stupid, ugly, worthless, and useless. There is no comfort, because the only one that can comfort us is the one that betrayed us.
This type of pain can destroy us if we allow it too.
You MUST see your doctor and get something to take the edge off. Explain what has happened, the doc will understand, they have heard this story many many times before. While you are there, get tested for STD's. In the meantime, NO unprotected sex with your H. Your H must also be tested. The HIV test will need to be repeated several more times.
You must protect your health. I became very very sick. Probably half my hair fell out. I dropped 20 lbs in a matter of weeks. This is not healthy.
Eat what little you can force down, and stay hydrated.
We are here for you. Let us help.
As for what he's telling you about the affair: he's been lying to you for many years and it's now a well established and well practiced habit that he's become comfortable with. Personally, I would assume that everything coming out of his mouth is a lie until proven otherwise by verifiable facts. 4 sexual encounters in 7 years? PLEASE. I don't believe that for a minute. He's minimizing things to make this affair seem not so bad. After all, he's been enjoying his girlfriend and his wife for quite a while,and probably doesn't want to lose either one of you. The fact that he says he has been honest with you is absolutely laughable. Honest with you about what?
Right. Get on Amazon pronto mush. Order "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass and Linda Macdonald's "How to help your spouse get over your affair". They both advocate that the betrayer is honest and forthcoming about the details that the betrayed spouse (you) need to hear. This is normal even though like all this shit it will feel crazy to you for a while.
Of course you are devastated. You have every right. In my case I was literally number for about 2 months and then that wore off and the real pain began. So prepare yourself for some dark days. Find a good local therapist and get that started.
Again, hugs. I'm so sorry that this has happened to you.
[This message edited by BrokenheartedUK at 9:30 AM, June 4th (Wednesday)]
My FWS cheated on me with a co-worker after 19 years of marriage. His affair lasted 4 years. Unfortunately, I don't believe he has told you the whole story. Mine told me it was only about 4 trips and lasted a year. Over the next few months, I kept searching for information and found out that it was actually more than a year. While we were in R, he came home and I asked him when the last time was he saw her and he actually had to guts to say, "I had drinks with her today". Shit hit the fan and we had a long talk (I was ready to walk and I think he finally panicked). His A lasted 4 years and he continued for 6 months while we were in R. Not that your WS will do the same, but, I was more hurt that he would continue. I wanted to know everything but the gross details. But I would keep my senses on alert and dig for more information.
I'm so sorry you are going through this.