Sorry you have to be here, but you've come to the right place.
Excellent advice you are receiving here, feel confident in following it whichever way you are comfortable with and if you have any questions, we're open 24/7
, we've got your back.
It sounds like your H made his move w/o telling you another woman was involved? My H did that to me..said he needed to get his head together, might be good for him since he'd never lived alone. Yah right! He was making plans to play house with an Australian & was so hard up, he even paid for her fare to get here (US) I moped around for a couple of weeks not understanding UNTIL I got the L/D bill from his last night @ home for about $1200! So in essence if it didn't work out, he could just come home & say he missed me or some other mixed message & I'd be none the wiser. There's more to the story I've probably kept in my profile but the joke ended up being on him. I didn't wait long before I confronted him with his secret. It was pathetic, he even had the nerve to take me shopping to outfit his apartment, saying "oh if I move back, these pots/towels will match the kitchen/bathroom" Yeah, total cake eater.
So as others are advising you, as soon as you let on to him that you know his secret, his attitude will probably change 180 degrees, so it's important you get as much info as you can before he strips you from accounts, etc. Along those lines, I wanted to add to go online & get a credit report, so you can see any new accounts he may be using. An attorney may ask for same in a divorce, but it behooves you to get that info now.
Never tell him all you know in your investigation mode nor how you got it. It's very common, because affairs are addictive, for them to pretend to reconcile & then they get more secretive and go underground. If you tip them off as to what you know & how you know, you will no longer have those tools if they go UG or if you do a true reconciliation & use the tools for trust but verify.
I didn't see it mentioned, but you need to go to the doc & get STD tests done ASAP. Don't be shy about picking up anti-depressant or anti-anxiety medication either, they really help. This is a severe trauma you've been exposed to & the high stress levels can throw you into long term depression, PTSD & the likes.
Find out as much as you can about OW. If she's married or has a BF/fiance, you want to let them know. As we say here, affairs thrive in the dark (like mushrooms) but wither when exposed to the light..they're just not as much fun anymore. Although family comes first, when the time is right, I would be tempted to tell his mom he's staying with her rent free so he can build his deposit & play house with his girlfriend. She may not kick him out, but she may not like being used this way & may give him a lot of lip service during the duration of his stay there. Too bad if Momma's boy can't take the heat & moves out b4 he gets all his money, eh?
So keep reading & posting here. We promise you will get through this..even if it's one step at a time. Best wishes.
[This message edited by oldtimer97 at 6:09 PM, June 4th (Wednesday)]