Otherwise he will lie and gas-light out of it.
You have every right to snoop considering what he said and what is going on. And you have every right to know, since most likely, no one is going to come right out and tell you.
Others will give you great advice here.
First of all, remember to stay hydrated, try to eat or drink protein shakes, get outside for a little exercise, and try to sleep (see your doc if you need help with this). You are going to need a lot of strength to get through this and to take care of your little ones.
For now, just breathe. Start reading in the healing library ( upper left hand corner - yellow box).
For now, just hang on. It's going to be a bumpy ride. But you will be okay!!!!
Edit typos. Darn autocorrect.
[This message edited by StillStanding1 at 4:59 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)]
First thing I would do is put an end to the family dinners. If he is going to act single, let him BE single! Please study up on the 180 and implement it like yesterday. No discussions with him except for the kids and finances.
Also, it is a good idea to make a copy of credit card statements and any other evidence you find. It may come in handy in the future.
The best way to cope in the earliest days is to look after yourself, focus on you and what YOU need, if needed, just moment to moment. You may be able to save the M, but remember, you cannot control him. And he is being a jerk.
Many of us have heard the same cruel words you have heard, so please remember that you will survive this, you will get through it. Take care.
I second everything that Edith said.
Also, try to remember that sadly cheaters lie. Do not feel guilty about snooping, it is unfortunately part of the course :(
He can not turn to you and try to claim he can no longer trust you because you've looked. Although I'll be honest, most of them try to shift the blame.
Any information you find, copy and save it. But don't tell him yr source, then accounts and passwords will be changed and you'll be pushed further into the dark.
Keep posting. This is a safe place.
DD1 May 2013
DD2 April 2014
Currently wondering how someone who vowed so much, can care so little
So glad you found Sl. You're already on the right track. Don't let H know you have any proof yet. From what you've described your H is in an affair. Most men don't leave their family unless there is another woman. I'd encourage you to go to the healing library and read the "180". Go completely cold on H. If he wants to abandon his family then let him. He doesn't deserve to play house if he's not home and committed to his wife and kids. Keep posting here as you ride the roller coaster. I promise you that just typing the words here on SI will help you release the emotions you're going to be facing.
You're in shock and a little bit of denial. You need to confront your husband get the truth out. There won't any chance of reconciliation unless he is being completely honest with you--you can't move a marriage forward with someone who continues to lie (and possibly cheat).
I would seek your own individual therapy because you will need some support but you also have to get a grip on YOU. I know you are in a very vulnerable spot--you've got two small children and you obviously love your husband very much. I know how you feel. But, he's betrayed you plain and simple and if he's not going to be willing to be honest, in order to move forward, then you've got to face up to that. Not fun. I know.
We're here for you. Hugs!
...for fear of being accused of snooping or not trusting him.
But if they're spending weekends together and going to hotels together, it's not so they can sit and talk about the weather. Hidden credit card accounts, pictures and love letters back and forth through email, and his desire to leave the marriage are pretty much all 100% proof that this affair is much more than a 'friendship.'
If he's already moved out and claims he's not sure he wants to be married anymore, you can't make him feel differently or control his feelings.
HOWEVER, you can cut him off at the knees.
Right now he's got the best of both worlds - he's living the single life at mommy's house and ALSO indulging in his family life like he's never left.
Time to cut that off. All you're doing is giving him the comfort and satisfaction of STILL having the emotional tie to his wife and family while also being able to live his other life with his OW.
Stop allowing him to have both.
Cut him off totally, Aquarius. Otherwise, he'll NEVER see what he's missing.
No communication at all unless as relates to children or finances
All above stated communication through email and text only, not in person or even on phone
Change the locks to the home. He is not welcome any time he wants.
See a lawyer right away to find out your rights, what you could expect if you legally separated/divorced, and what the process is in your state.
Concentrate on protecting yourself. Begin IC.
I suspect this roller coaster is far from over. He will probably change his mind several times, state he wants you back, flitter between the two of you. Don't let him. Make the decision for him. Tell you him want nothing do with a man who is involved with another woman. Then stick by what you say.
Sorry you found your way here but welcome!
just tell him exactly what you found.
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
Excellent advice you are receiving here, feel confident in following it whichever way you are comfortable with and if you have any questions, we're open 24/7 , we've got your back.
It sounds like your H made his move w/o telling you another woman was involved? My H did that to me..said he needed to get his head together, might be good for him since he'd never lived alone. Yah right! He was making plans to play house with an Australian & was so hard up, he even paid for her fare to get here (US) I moped around for a couple of weeks not understanding UNTIL I got the L/D bill from his last night @ home for about $1200! So in essence if it didn't work out, he could just come home & say he missed me or some other mixed message & I'd be none the wiser. There's more to the story I've probably kept in my profile but the joke ended up being on him. I didn't wait long before I confronted him with his secret. It was pathetic, he even had the nerve to take me shopping to outfit his apartment, saying "oh if I move back, these pots/towels will match the kitchen/bathroom" Yeah, total cake eater.
So as others are advising you, as soon as you let on to him that you know his secret, his attitude will probably change 180 degrees, so it's important you get as much info as you can before he strips you from accounts, etc. Along those lines, I wanted to add to go online & get a credit report, so you can see any new accounts he may be using. An attorney may ask for same in a divorce, but it behooves you to get that info now.
Never tell him all you know in your investigation mode nor how you got it. It's very common, because affairs are addictive, for them to pretend to reconcile & then they get more secretive and go underground. If you tip them off as to what you know & how you know, you will no longer have those tools if they go UG or if you do a true reconciliation & use the tools for trust but verify.
I didn't see it mentioned, but you need to go to the doc & get STD tests done ASAP. Don't be shy about picking up anti-depressant or anti-anxiety medication either, they really help. This is a severe trauma you've been exposed to & the high stress levels can throw you into long term depression, PTSD & the likes.
Find out as much as you can about OW. If she's married or has a BF/fiance, you want to let them know. As we say here, affairs thrive in the dark (like mushrooms) but wither when exposed to the light..they're just not as much fun anymore. Although family comes first, when the time is right, I would be tempted to tell his mom he's staying with her rent free so he can build his deposit & play house with his girlfriend. She may not kick him out, but she may not like being used this way & may give him a lot of lip service during the duration of his stay there. Too bad if Momma's boy can't take the heat & moves out b4 he gets all his money, eh?
So keep reading & posting here. We promise you will get through this..even if it's one step at a time. Best wishes.
[This message edited by oldtimer97 at 6:09 PM, June 4th (Wednesday)]
To save a marriage, you must be willing to lose the marriage.