"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

aquarius84 posted 6/3/2014 16:49 PM

I'm normally a very private person and am struggling with the recent knowledge that my husband of 8 years (together for 15) has been having an "emotional" affair (however, I believe it has become physical). I was blind-sided two weeks ago when he told me he was leaving and wasn't sure if he wanted to remain married. He's been staying with his mom and we've been in contact (we have two young kids). As far as the OW, I've discovered they've spent weekends together (both are involved in a recreational organization) and they're friends on Facebook. I've kept my discoveries to myself, for fear of being accused of snooping or not trusting him. But he's told me very little about the relationship and I need answers. I've also come across intimate emails containing pictures, fantasies, etc. I admit to snooping in that regard. But I feel like if I don't, I'll never know what I'm up against because he has an answer for everything. The final straw that made me realize I couldn't keep this inside anymore was when a credit card statement came (a card I never even knew about) that contained a payment for a hotel room that is close to her city. I'm hurt and angry and unsure how to approach him about it. I can't continue like this and I don't want to lose him, but I don't know what to do. My stomach has been in knots ever since his phone rang last night while he was having dinner with us and I just happened to see it was Her calling. I feel like their relationship is becoming more than he's letting on and I feel like my insides are being ripped out. How can I save a marriage when my trust has been betrayed this way? I know I'm not alone and some of you may have more treacherous stories, but my pain is real and this experience has been dibilitating. Thanks for "listening." :/

craig2001 posted 6/3/2014 16:54 PM

Whatever you do, save all of the evidence. Make copies of everything and do not let him have any of your evidence.

Otherwise he will lie and gas-light out of it.

You have every right to snoop considering what he said and what is going on. And you have every right to know, since most likely, no one is going to come right out and tell you.

Others will give you great advice here.

StillStanding1 posted 6/3/2014 16:58 PM

I am so sorry you need to join this club.... But it's filled with great people who can relate. You are in good hands. They will help you through this, I promise!

First of all, remember to stay hydrated, try to eat or drink protein shakes, get outside for a little exercise, and try to sleep (see your doc if you need help with this). You are going to need a lot of strength to get through this and to take care of your little ones.

For now, just breathe. Start reading in the healing library ( upper left hand corner - yellow box).

For now, just hang on. It's going to be a bumpy ride. But you will be okay!!!!

Edit typos. Darn autocorrect.

[This message edited by StillStanding1 at 4:59 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)]

Wytuka posted 6/3/2014 16:58 PM

Sounds to me like he's having a full-blown EA and PA. I'm so sorry. I just don't get how anyone can intentionally hurt someone else like this.

Edith posted 6/3/2014 17:10 PM

Hi A84,
So sorry you are going through this. No need to apologize for snooping! Most of us have done it, it is 100% necessary when you are dealing with a spouse who lies.

First thing I would do is put an end to the family dinners. If he is going to act single, let him BE single! Please study up on the 180 and implement it like yesterday. No discussions with him except for the kids and finances.

Also, it is a good idea to make a copy of credit card statements and any other evidence you find. It may come in handy in the future.

The best way to cope in the earliest days is to look after yourself, focus on you and what YOU need, if needed, just moment to moment. You may be able to save the M, but remember, you cannot control him. And he is being a jerk.

Many of us have heard the same cruel words you have heard, so please remember that you will survive this, you will get through it. Take care.

E.

CantSeeInTheDark posted 6/3/2014 17:24 PM

Hi aquarius84
So sorry you are here, but you are in a really good place for support.

I second everything that Edith said.

Also, try to remember that sadly cheaters lie. Do not feel guilty about snooping, it is unfortunately part of the course :(

He can not turn to you and try to claim he can no longer trust you because you've looked. Although I'll be honest, most of them try to shift the blame.
Any information you find, copy and save it. But don't tell him yr source, then accounts and passwords will be changed and you'll be pushed further into the dark.

Keep posting. This is a safe place.

LifeIsBroken posted 6/3/2014 21:41 PM

If you have any joint credit cards in your name, get his name taken off. No way should you pay for his hotel room to "visit" the OW or pay for any other expense related to her. If you have cc's in his name, be sure to copy each statement, assuming they're still coming to your home or you have access to his on line. Keep your mouth shut and continue investigating, copying. Keep the copies in a safe place or with a trusted friend, somewhere your WH will never suspect. Sadly, most of us found far more than we first anticipated.

Better4it posted 6/3/2014 22:33 PM

Hi Aquarius,

So glad you found Sl. You're already on the right track. Don't let H know you have any proof yet. From what you've described your H is in an affair. Most men don't leave their family unless there is another woman. I'd encourage you to go to the healing library and read the "180". Go completely cold on H. If he wants to abandon his family then let him. He doesn't deserve to play house if he's not home and committed to his wife and kids. Keep posting here as you ride the roller coaster. I promise you that just typing the words here on SI will help you release the emotions you're going to be facing.

BrokenheartedUK posted 6/4/2014 02:54 AM

Welcome to the club that no one wanted to join! And as someone else said, never apologise about snoopers to a bunch of betrayed spouses! We know ALL there is to know about snooping.

You're in shock and a little bit of denial. You need to confront your husband get the truth out. There won't any chance of reconciliation unless he is being completely honest with you--you can't move a marriage forward with someone who continues to lie (and possibly cheat).

I would seek your own individual therapy because you will need some support but you also have to get a grip on YOU. I know you are in a very vulnerable spot--you've got two small children and you obviously love your husband very much. I know how you feel. But, he's betrayed you plain and simple and if he's not going to be willing to be honest, in order to move forward, then you've got to face up to that. Not fun. I know.

We're here for you. Hugs!

cannotforgive posted 6/4/2014 04:16 AM

Aquarius,
Your husband is having a full blown affair. You need to confront him( do not reveal your evidence) and see what he will tell you.
Be ready to hear trickle truth-a minimized version such as " we are just good friends, we have coffee together and we just kissed".
You have evidence that they spent a night in a motel, so do not let him manipulate you.
Get also prepared for blame shifting-" this is because you did not give me love at home, you neglected me, bla bla...".
Then you need to tell him that you married him and he gave you his vows to be with you, there must not be a third person in your marriage and he needs to choose her or you. Tell him you will ask for a divorce and he has 24 hrs to give you the answer whether he will drop her and stay with you and the kids.
Do not cook for him or wash his clothes, implement the 180 and concentrate on you and your children.
You need to make him as uncomfortable as possible.
He is in an affair fog, in a bubble and he is infatuated with another woman.
The sooner the bubble bursts, the better your chances for him to realize what a fool he has been and commit to be with you.
Find out who the AP is and send copies of all the evidence to her husband/partner. This will nuke their secrecy.
And what a disrespectful thing for the whore to call your home? Tell him that you will not put up with being disrespected. In fact, if he decides to stay with you he must do a no contact letter and give you full transparency on everything.
Be strong.

NeverAgain2013 posted 6/4/2014 09:22 AM

...for fear of being accused of snooping or not trusting him.

Wait...what? Who cares WHAT the hell he thinks? He's already left the marital home and is staying with his mother - which gives him the freedom to conduct his affair freely without your interference or hinderance.

But if they're spending weekends together and going to hotels together, it's not so they can sit and talk about the weather. Hidden credit card accounts, pictures and love letters back and forth through email, and his desire to leave the marriage are pretty much all 100% proof that this affair is much more than a 'friendship.'

If he's already moved out and claims he's not sure he wants to be married anymore, you can't make him feel differently or control his feelings.

HOWEVER, you can cut him off at the knees.

Right now he's got the best of both worlds - he's living the single life at mommy's house and ALSO indulging in his family life like he's never left.

Time to cut that off. All you're doing is giving him the comfort and satisfaction of STILL having the emotional tie to his wife and family while also being able to live his other life with his OW.

Stop allowing him to have both.

Cut him off totally, Aquarius. Otherwise, he'll NEVER see what he's missing.

ShiningAutumn8 posted 6/4/2014 13:38 PM

Yes, and just to be clear, this is what "cutting him off" looks like:

No communication at all unless as relates to children or finances

All above stated communication through email and text only, not in person or even on phone

Change the locks to the home. He is not welcome any time he wants.

See a lawyer right away to find out your rights, what you could expect if you legally separated/divorced, and what the process is in your state.

Concentrate on protecting yourself. Begin IC.

I suspect this roller coaster is far from over. He will probably change his mind several times, state he wants you back, flitter between the two of you. Don't let him. Make the decision for him. Tell you him want nothing do with a man who is involved with another woman. Then stick by what you say.

Bookworm428 posted 6/4/2014 16:37 PM

I know exactly how you feel. This was how I felt when I found out about my husband. I went into his facebook and the conversations looked weird, like he had deleted parts of the conversation. One of the messages was her giving him her email address, so I checked his email. He tried to play it like "I can't believe you were snooping into my email!" It was totally a diversionary tactic. Yes, I did that and I wasn't proud, but what he did is way way worse! You shouldn't feel bad about it because he should not be keeping secrets like this from you. If you confront (and I'm not saying you should or not because that's up to you) and he tries to play that 'I can't believe you didn't trust me/I can't believe you'd snoop" Just stand firm! Don't let him pull that on you. Tell him that if he were being a good, honest husband, you wouldn't have to, but he isn't, so you do. Period. He may try to shift the blame anywhere but on him, but just stand firm and try to stay calm and just tell him exactly what you found.

Losconang15 posted 6/4/2014 16:44 PM

There's nothing additional I would add then what has already been said. Stay firm, save evidence and confront him ready to give him requirements needed to R. Yes on the 180 too.

Sorry you found your way here but welcome!

Losconang15 posted 6/4/2014 16:44 PM

There's nothing additional I would add then what has already been said. Stay firm, save evidence and confront him ready to give him requirements needed to R. Yes on the 180 too.

Sorry you found your way here but welcome!

gonnabe2016 posted 6/4/2014 16:50 PM

just tell him exactly what you found.

No, don't do this.
You tell him that you KNOW he is having an affair and that he has 30 seconds to come clean.
If he gives you any type of 'bullshit' behavior -- denying, indignation, etc. -- tell him that you will be seeing a L. Then grab your car keys and leave (or go lock yourself in your bedroom).

oldtimer97 posted 6/4/2014 18:07 PM

Sorry you have to be here, but you've come to the right place.

Excellent advice you are receiving here, feel confident in following it whichever way you are comfortable with and if you have any questions, we're open 24/7 , we've got your back.

It sounds like your H made his move w/o telling you another woman was involved? My H did that to me..said he needed to get his head together, might be good for him since he'd never lived alone. Yah right! He was making plans to play house with an Australian & was so hard up, he even paid for her fare to get here (US) I moped around for a couple of weeks not understanding UNTIL I got the L/D bill from his last night @ home for about $1200! So in essence if it didn't work out, he could just come home & say he missed me or some other mixed message & I'd be none the wiser. There's more to the story I've probably kept in my profile but the joke ended up being on him. I didn't wait long before I confronted him with his secret. It was pathetic, he even had the nerve to take me shopping to outfit his apartment, saying "oh if I move back, these pots/towels will match the kitchen/bathroom" Yeah, total cake eater.

So as others are advising you, as soon as you let on to him that you know his secret, his attitude will probably change 180 degrees, so it's important you get as much info as you can before he strips you from accounts, etc. Along those lines, I wanted to add to go online & get a credit report, so you can see any new accounts he may be using. An attorney may ask for same in a divorce, but it behooves you to get that info now.

Never tell him all you know in your investigation mode nor how you got it. It's very common, because affairs are addictive, for them to pretend to reconcile & then they get more secretive and go underground. If you tip them off as to what you know & how you know, you will no longer have those tools if they go UG or if you do a true reconciliation & use the tools for trust but verify.

I didn't see it mentioned, but you need to go to the doc & get STD tests done ASAP. Don't be shy about picking up anti-depressant or anti-anxiety medication either, they really help. This is a severe trauma you've been exposed to & the high stress levels can throw you into long term depression, PTSD & the likes.

Find out as much as you can about OW. If she's married or has a BF/fiance, you want to let them know. As we say here, affairs thrive in the dark (like mushrooms) but wither when exposed to the light..they're just not as much fun anymore. Although family comes first, when the time is right, I would be tempted to tell his mom he's staying with her rent free so he can build his deposit & play house with his girlfriend. She may not kick him out, but she may not like being used this way & may give him a lot of lip service during the duration of his stay there. Too bad if Momma's boy can't take the heat & moves out b4 he gets all his money, eh?

So keep reading & posting here. We promise you will get through this..even if it's one step at a time. Best wishes.

[This message edited by oldtimer97 at 6:09 PM, June 4th (Wednesday)]