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broken&lonely posted 6/3/2014 17:11 PM

My walls are still very high. I don't trust WH so it's difficult for me to talk to him about anything I'm feeling, which has completely stalled any efforts towards reconciliation. There are no signs of ongoing affairs, transparency issues, or anything like that. This is mostly about me and the naive blind trust I had before and how shattered I was after finding out. I just can't let myself be vulnerable to him in any way for fear of being hurt again.

It's been 3 yrs and I just can't do it. I chip away at it little by little and then I feel that he's too close, that there's risk there so I push him back again. Is anyone else dealing with this? Any thoughts? Advice? I'm starting to think it may be time to throw in the towel and go our separate ways.

Branca posted 6/3/2014 21:23 PM

(((broken&lonely)))

I understand. I am struggling with some similar feelings, but for me it is less than one year so I am still giving it some time.

Althea posted a nice bit of advice in Reconciliation Forum:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=532568

I wonder if you have read it. She talks about working on healing ourselves. This is something I need to think about some more, about my walls and how it is affecting R, and how it affected our relationship even before D-Days.

You mention it is mostly about you. Yes, we all have our issues, and I think successful R needs us to address these. It's very hard and is made even harder by dealing with the betrayal. I don't have anything useful to add, but I will think about it some more.

sunvalley posted 6/3/2014 21:48 PM

I am 11m out and started putting up my walls a couple months ago...before that was denial, HB and other emotions...now it's anger/resent and walls. I recognize, as I think you do from your post, that my walls are about me and my coping mechanisms. They make me want to throw in the towel and walk away too, but then I ask myself how is that healing me? If these walls are my issue, they will follow me where I go. None of this is easy work, but I also know if I move on to the next person doesn't mean I resolve how I deal with pain in my life.

My walls came from growing up with an alcoholic, verbally abusive parent. I learned to put up walls to prevent further harm, because I had no way out as a vulnerable child. I have options now as an adult and as IC explained to me, those coping mechanisms were necessary back then for my mental stability and survival...they are no longer needed. I have to learn new coping mechanisms to deal with my life now, as an adult, where I have choices to leave or stay and to speak up as an equal, no longer the 'child' in situation. It is hard to let down those walls. It makes you vulnerable to getting hurt again. On the other hand though it's a pretty miserable way to live if we never allow ourselves the love and affection we truly deserve. I can't tell you whether staying or going will help you solve your situation, but I know for me personally I am not there yet. I still feel that breaking down these walls is the ground work I have to do, it's releasing old coping mechanisms that I have had my entire life and learning new healthier ones. I will be stronger as a person if I can do this, and so for now I focus more on my healing/growth and less on the growth of the M. If the M can survive my personal growth, that's great and it is my ultimate goal but I do believe you have to look after yourself first and foremost now...I spent far too many years being a selfless people pleaser and it didn't exactly prepare me for this.