I am 11m out and started putting up my walls a couple months ago...before that was denial, HB and other emotions...now it's anger/resent and walls. I recognize, as I think you do from your post, that my walls are about me and my coping mechanisms. They make me want to throw in the towel and walk away too, but then I ask myself how is that healing me? If these walls are my issue, they will follow me where I go. None of this is easy work, but I also know if I move on to the next person doesn't mean I resolve how I deal with pain in my life.
My walls came from growing up with an alcoholic, verbally abusive parent. I learned to put up walls to prevent further harm, because I had no way out as a vulnerable child. I have options now as an adult and as IC explained to me, those coping mechanisms were necessary back then for my mental stability and survival...they are no longer needed. I have to learn new coping mechanisms to deal with my life now, as an adult, where I have choices to leave or stay and to speak up as an equal, no longer the 'child' in situation. It is hard to let down those walls. It makes you vulnerable to getting hurt again. On the other hand though it's a pretty miserable way to live if we never allow ourselves the love and affection we truly deserve. I can't tell you whether staying or going will help you solve your situation, but I know for me personally I am not there yet. I still feel that breaking down these walls is the ground work I have to do, it's releasing old coping mechanisms that I have had my entire life and learning new healthier ones. I will be stronger as a person if I can do this, and so for now I focus more on my healing/growth and less on the growth of the M. If the M can survive my personal growth, that's great and it is my ultimate goal but I do believe you have to look after yourself first and foremost now...I spent far too many years being a selfless people pleaser and it didn't exactly prepare me for this.