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anongrl posted 6/3/2014 17:11 PM

My Story: I have been married 27 years. A week ago my husband sat me down an admitted to an affair. Let me say upfront, there has been what I call a "prior indescrection" that occurred over 20 years ago. At that time we did separate for a short time but worked thru that issue. After he told me, he took a walk to call the OW and end the relationship. Truth be told, I was in such shock I kind of just sat there. About an hour later our phone rang, and it was the OW. It was a very calm conversation to which she simply replied to all questions "please read the texts". Apparently my H had deleted his phone prior to telling me, hence no timeline of the affair. I can't recall the whole conversation because I just was in shock, however, I remember asking if he hadn't confesses would this still be going on, her answer, yes. And I asked if he told her it was over, her answer yes. He gave up his phone, of course there was no info on it. I texted her and told her all phone number would be deactivated as well as all email accounts. I asked again if she thought it was over, she told me it didn't matter what she thought. From that point on things got a little out of hand on both sides and she did forward some of the texts. Some would make you blush, most were filled with I love yous and miss you. We are separated by over 150 miles. Aside from all this and deciding what I want to do here is the part I don't know if I will ever get over in order to make a decision either way. The OW has been a person my WS has known for over 30 years. He told me there were always feelings there for her. 30 years. Before and after we were married. They kept in touch that whole time. The physical part ramped up a little over a year ago, although throughout all those years they had been physical also. It wasn't a weekly or monthly affair over that time period, but frequent enough that he kept her in his life. I feel like a robot typing this because I am just in a state of limbo. I guess an affair is an affair, but, this long? I really don't know where to go after this.

cass posted 6/3/2014 17:56 PM

Welcome anongrl.

I'm so sorry you are here but glad you found SI. You are among friends who have all walked your path. You will be ok, and find great support here.

Please check out the Healing library, upper left, yellow box. There's great reading resources there.

Look after yourself first and foremost. Find an I.C. and get the support of family and close friends. You don't have to do anything else in the meantime, or make any decisions. Just take care of yourself.

Keep posting and reading.


anongrl posted 6/3/2014 18:22 PM

Thanks. Made an appointment with a therapist today. Individual, may not be a need for couples therapy. Just really taking it day by day for now.

OakStreet posted 6/3/2014 18:23 PM

((Hugs)) to you anongrl.

The next few days, weeks and months are going to be traumatizing. There's no way around it.

Do the reading - maybe order some books - so you'll know what demands to make and whether your husband is truly remorseful. Lord knows I wished I had found this forum at the beginning of my rollercoaster ride!

Take care of yourself and TRY to realize that, throughout the pain, anger and grief that is to come, that eventually THINGS WILL GET BETTER!

And keep posting here. It's difficult to find people to talk to (a counselor is important, IMO) - but the folks on SI have heard it all and most have great advice!

Good Luck!

anongrl posted 6/3/2014 19:02 PM

Thank you. I know it will be a very long road. I have read so much in the past few days, there are some things, although at the beginning of this that I cannot or might never be able to reconcile. 1. the past 30 years cannot be "affair fog", if so, he's been in it for most of his adult life 2. There have been three of us in my marriage all long. Only 2 were aware of it. 3. This was the SAME person all those years. 4. We have settled into a good way of life, home kids in college. Will I ever know that this is an attempt to maintain lifestyle not the relationship. Those are my thoughts right now. In the interim, I would love to hear from WS who have been in LT affairs and what their true reason was for staying.

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