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So Angry (rant-ish)

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inshockandhurt posted 6/3/2014 17:28 PM

I am back on the angry part of the roller coaster. How do I do this? I hate this ride and this part of it is the worst. When I am angry I am always so unsure that I will be able to reconcile. There just seems to be too much forgive, too much disrespect, too much cruelty. I have been obsessing about the fact that it happened in general, that after all the promises he still had an affair. How do I get past this? I am a year and 3 months from dday and it feels like it happened just yesterday. I feel nauseous and angry and sad and like I want to smack my husband. I feel like after a year I shouldn't still have that punch-to-the-gut sensation when I think about what happened, I feel like I should have absorbed it as reality, but it still seems so unreal. I look at my husband, whom I love and I can't believe he did that,but I know that he did and it hurts and I want it to not be true. How am I back to this? To having trouble accepting it? I know R isn't linear but being back in this stage a year later seems wrong.

I keep thinking back to all the times when I was hanging out with the two of them and they were smiling and laughing and we were having a good old time and they were both betraying me, and not just betraying me but talking bad about me, about how I was such a bad wife and a bad friend. Of course my husband now says he doesn't know what he was thinking, that he knows it was just his way of justifying his affair but I feel so stupid for being their dupe.

God, this hurts so much and I just want it to be over. I don't want this to be a part of my life anymore. I want to go back, I want it to not have happened. What if I can't get over this?

rachelc posted 6/3/2014 17:42 PM

There just seems to be too much forgive, too much disrespect, too much cruelty

those of us with a couples ddays have a long road to hoe... long. When someone pulls the rug out from under you, even if you DO agree to rugsweep or move beyond it, when they do it again, the foundation of what you're standing on has turned to quicksand.
Once, with a remorseful spouse who does the heavy lifting, hard but I think it can be recoverable.
Twice, darn near impossible. You almost have to wonder if the 2nd one is an exit affair, at least I do, but he isn't strong enough to pull the trigger. I had an IC say to me, "he'll never divorce you." so I'm left to find out if he'll keep abusing me or not. so far, not. and things are going well....
Have you been in IC? Is he? Are you in MC?
When I was where you were at I was having some very tough times.


[This message edited by rachelc at 5:44 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)]

inshockandhurt posted 6/3/2014 17:58 PM

I am not in IC and we are not in MC, he is in IC and it is going well. I was in IC before our son was born, but I haven't gone back because, one I didn't like my IC and two I have not found one that has appointments that I can attend. I know I need to get back there though. I also want to get back to MC sometimes soon but right now we have no one to watch the kids.

I do wonder if it was an exit affair and if he is only still here because he is too afraid to really leave. I wonder all the time if he really loves me. How on earth could he if he was able to do the things he did. It makes me feel worthless.

AML04 posted 6/3/2014 18:05 PM

I feel like after a year I shouldn't still have that punch-to-the-gut sensation when I think about what happened, I feel like I should have absorbed it as reality, but it still seems so unreal.

I don't have any advice but wanted you to know I feel/felt the same. I posted a couple days ago and the responses were very helpful. It made me see how I'm feeling is normal.


[This message edited by AML04 at 6:06 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)]

inshockandhurt posted 6/3/2014 18:32 PM

Thanks AML, I saw your post the other day actually, I was going to respond but I didn't get a chance. Are you feeling any better? I just keep hoping that I will feel better but I swear it feels like I am feeling worse.

Lowlow posted 6/3/2014 21:53 PM

ISAH, I'm in the same place as you and 16 months out. You know what? I feel the same way. Shouldn't the anger be less? Some days it is, other days it comes back with a vengeance.

For me,certain dates and times of the year trigger me. Could it be the same for you? May is my month of hell. It's the anniversary of my one and only pregnancy (miscarriage), it's AP's birthday and the month when they rekindled the physical part of their A at a conference.... MY FWS is currently at that conference

I have been angry and anxious for a week, and it wasn't until a few days ago that it dawned on me that I'm triggering and angry because of the time of year.

I'm thinking/hoping this is normal. I can't offer much advice, just support. (((iSHA)))))

devasted30 posted 6/4/2014 06:20 AM

Being a few more months out from you, I am telling you that yes, what you are feeling is normal. Everyone recovers in their own time, but from everything I have read on this site, it is usually the 2nd year that is the hardest. I was so sad a couple of months ago. I really thought, I cannot do this. But some more time has passed and, honestly, I am starting to feel a little better. I really can see an improvement. Am I okay, Hell, no. But, if I look at it over the past 17 months, yes I am doing a little better. It happens so slowly that you do not notice it for the first few months. But now, I can go through many, many days without crying. The anger doesn't come as often or stay as long. It's far from good, but it isn't that horrible hell it was. Hang in there. It's that old, ugly word again that is going to help - Time.

inshockandhurt posted 6/4/2014 18:15 PM

Lowlow, thanks for your response, it helps to know I am not the only one who feels like this. For me it is not the time of year, I am just so upset that this really is my life, forever. I will always have a husband who cheated on me and knowing that I can't change that makes me angry and sad. I will always be that woman. No matter where we go from here, even if our marriage turns out wonderful after this, he will always have made me feel unwanted, worthless, and unloved and I can never forget that.

Thank you so much for your response Devastated, I was starting to feel like this was permanent and that we wouldn't survive it. I just want it to go away.

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