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heme posted 6/3/2014 17:30 PM

I just found out my husband is up to his old tricks again.. And hes lying about them (I was smarter this time and gathered what information I could before telling him I knew).. Then he had the nerve to tell me hes never "really" cheated on me. I feel like crap and I can't stand him right now..

Guess its time to make an exit plan. I really wanted to try to make this work but I deserve better than this.

OakStreet posted 6/3/2014 18:28 PM


Your first and second Ddays are similar to mine.

I don't know your story, but my WH took his A underground - while we attended IC and MC.

I felt like this was the ultimate betrayal. Now, he's completely committed to healing our relationship. Me, not so much.

I just don't feel the love for him now. Waiting to see if further IC will help me make the right decision.

If your WH doesn't feel he cheated on you, does that make him an asshole?


yearsofpain25 posted 6/3/2014 18:28 PM

Yikes!! Very sorry Heme. What are his "old tricks"?

Gemini71 posted 6/3/2014 20:01 PM

(I was smarter this time and gathered what information I could before telling him I knew).

This is the kind of thinking you need for your exit plan. Get your ducks in a row. Make sure you have copies of all important documents and financial statements. Store them off site. This will be helpful no matter what you decide to do. Worst case senario, you've saved yourself a lot of hassel when your WH discovers you are 'done' and goes into defense mode. Best case senario, you've needlessly wasted some paper.

Good luck.

heme posted 6/3/2014 21:00 PM

He has "fantasys" that he likes to pay people from craiglists and other of those type sites to fulfill.. His opinion is there is no cheating if there is no intercourse so as long as he doesn't have sex hes not violating his vows..

Better4it posted 6/3/2014 21:44 PM

Hi Heme,

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this drama. I believe your husband is cheating. If he's not relying on his wife to meet his needs then he's cheating. Sounds to me like he has a porn and sex addiction. I'd encourage you to go cold and start the 180. Your H needs a wake up call. If you haven't already get yourself in IC to help you deal with this. Seek out advice from a lawyer so you know what rights you have. Let your H know what your boundaries are. Don't let him dictate the relationship. It's your decision now what happens with your marriage.

Branca posted 6/3/2014 22:37 PM

His opinion is there is no cheating if there is no intercourse so as long as he doesn't have sex hes not violating his vows

My WH said the same thing.

In our case, he was flirting and going so far as saying "I love you" to OW... now he says he didn't mean any of it, it was shallow flirting that 'meant nothing'... and that is supposed to make me feel better, and realise that because he didn't mean it, it wasn't really cheating.

He still struggles with a concept of infidelity that includes stuff other than sex.

I showed him a dictionary definition of the word 'platonic'. I told him that anything he said or did that crossed the line beyond platonic into romantic or sexual, counted as infidelity to me.

heme posted 6/4/2014 05:03 AM

Thanks for responding..

I don't do counseling.. Honestly Ive tried it a few times over the years (both for combat related PTSD as well as for childhood abuse) and I just can't open up to people in general. Im very good at giving them enough information to satisfy them without really giving them any information.

I just don't think the marriage can be saved now, not if we have such different views on what constitutes faithfulness. I did more digging last night and he never stopped visiting his "story sites" (basically porn but according to him its not because again no sexual scenes). Hes in complete denial that there is any issue and I refuse to live like this.

My plan is going to take a while (Im 24 weeks pregnant and on modified bed rest due to some complications Im having) but Im already researching divorce laws and child custody laws where we are moving (thankfully we are moving back near my family/friends so I will have a ton of support). Im going to start saving aside money each payday and Im going back to get my bachalors so I can get a job to support all of us. I don't care what he does, all I care about now is my children.

heme posted 6/4/2014 05:17 AM

BTW He defines "sex" as an act that can produce a child so anything that doesn't produce a child isn't "sex" to him. Hes got some really messed up thinking.

[This message edited by heme at 5:18 AM, June 4th (Wednesday)]

Gemini71 posted 6/4/2014 07:19 AM

My Dipshit STBX used internet affairs as a stepping stone to real life hook ups with people from Craig's List. Honestly, it was just a painful to find his "sexting" photos as it was to find out he had "an act that could produce a child" with some slunt from CL. So sorry you find yourself here again.

NeverAgain2013 posted 6/4/2014 07:27 AM

Well Heme, he's a sexual deviant if he has to look up 'specialists' on Craigslist just to find people who are willing to indulge him in whatever kink it is that floats his boat.

Being honest, therapy isn't going to make his fetish just magically disappear. You're always going to be dealing with it, which means you're always going to be catching him indulging in it on the sly or you'll always be worrying about when he'll give in once again to temptation. Been there, done that, no more.

Good that you're putting together an exit plan. You're not even 30 and have already had multiple D-Days. Life is so much better without this crap.

Good luck to you.

Better4it posted 6/4/2014 08:27 AM


You're on the right track. Take care of you and your kids. Your H is only cheating himself. He'll probably figure it out after you file for the D. I'd encourage you to go cold on him. Start practicing the 180. It will help you take control of you and start the process of detaching from H.

ShiningAutumn8 posted 6/4/2014 08:48 AM

So he then would be okay with you giving oral sex to someone, or making out with someone I assume?

This is nothing but him making convenient "rules" to allow him to keep betraying you.

Anything that is done in secret, hidden from a spouse, that involves a member of the opposite sex, to me is infidelity. It may not be "adultery" per se, but its infidelity.

You know this of course. I suspect your husband knows it as well, but conveniently wont subscribe to that.

I am glad you are moving close to friends and family.

I agree if this is a serious fetish of his, it will never go away and unless you can somehow indulge it for him, you will always be dealing with infidelity on his part.

heme posted 6/4/2014 14:28 PM

I know he won't change.. Im not holding my breath for that. Hes proven that he can't be trusted and Ill never trust him again so that ends our relationship..

However, right now I need to make my decisions with my brain not my emotions. My brain knows that I won't be able to get a job right now (modified bedrest means that the only jobs I could get are WAH jobs which are few and far between) and I need to make sure my children are taken care of first. Ive taken steps to distance myself from him. Im not talking to him, not sleeping in the same room etc. Just doing everything I can to seperate myself.

This just truly sucks.

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