SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Bookworm428 posted 6/3/2014 19:56 PM

I'm new here and it's been several months since I found out what was going on with my husband. We've been married for five years (had actually just celebrated our fifth anniversary) when I found out he was having an online affair. He and her were trading nude pics. He says it's no big deal because he didn't actually physically do anything with her. I'm so so angry. I can't move past my anger. We have a two year old and I feel like an idiot, but I don't want to mess up our family because of her and because I still love him. I also feel like I hate him, but...you know. I'm struggling to get through. I've been so depressed since I found out and he's laid everything out for me--he let's me check his email, texts, whatever. I'm even friends with most of his friends so I can make sure that he's really going out with them on Guy's Night. I don't want to do that though. I just want to feel like I can trust him without having to. Will I ever feel happy again? He says, the last few months, he really misses me--I'm not myself anymore and I'm pulling away from him. I don't feel like myself anymore and nothing that used to make me happy makes me feel happy anymore. I hate this and him. Why did he have to do this to us? I don't understand. It seems to idiotic to me that someone would be willing to destroy everything we've had for 10 years just for a little bit of "fun".

Gemini71 posted 6/3/2014 20:18 PM

Yes, you will feel happy again. You are actually right on schedule for the "Anger Phase" of the grieving process.

I remember what it felt like to find pictures that 'Dipshit' took of himself jerking off to nude pictures of an acquaintance of ours. Honestly, it was actually worse than when he first told me he had cheated on me. So I understand how devastating this is for you, and how asinine it is when they say "it's no big deal."

For Dipshit, the online affairs were just a stepping stones to RL meetups. His line was, "It was just sex. It didn't mean anything." So I understand your disgust at how people can destroy their marriage for something that is "no big deal."

It does get better. Eventually you'll have a good day, or two. Then you'll start having more good days than bad. It just takes time.

He says, the last few months, he really misses me--I'm not myself anymore and I'm pulling away from him.

Tell him to get used to it. He created this situation with his actions, so he's just going to have to deal with it. Check out the Healing Library for books for your WH to read so he can understand what you are going through. There's a link in the yellow box at the upper left of your screen. There is a book called "Not Just Friends" that might open his eyes a little.

Good luck.
((Bookworm428))

[This message edited by Gemini71 at 8:21 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)]

Bookworm428 posted 6/3/2014 20:40 PM

Thanks for this. I needed to feel validated. My husband says I've been lingering in anger too long and it's not as if someone died. I screamed at him today and told him that I felt like our RELATIONSHIP had died and that everything I thought our about our relationship was just a lie. I told him that I have no respect for him and that he disgusts me and that I hate him and I want a divorce. I won't go through with it, I was just so distraught today. Much more distraught than I've been since I found out. I don't know why the delayed reaction. It just felt like it had been building up for so long. I didn't confront him too heavily when I found out--I was in so much shock and denial and was strangely calm. He had even commented on it at the time because I'm definitely not known for being calm. I feel like he's pushing me further and faster than I want to go because he just wants everything to get back to "normal". I told him that nothing will ever be "normal" again. We can rebuild, but this shook me up bad. Even if he never physically did anything--it was almost a year of this and he kept it from me. I keep wondering what else he's keeping from me. He swears he's broken off contact with OW, but I just don't know if I can believe him.

PricklePatch posted 6/3/2014 21:15 PM

Are you guys in ic and mc? This seems like a double betrayal. Are you sure there was never any pa in the past? It sounds like
1) he wants to Rug sweep
2) He is in denial over your pain

Has he written her a nc, which was approved by you? Has he read not just friend. You can heal and move on if he shows remorse and consistency. He needs to take this seriously.

What are you doing for yourself? I to felt my marriage was a lie, I felt anger and I would never recover. Read the healing library and be kind to your injured self. Hugs, and yes I am happy again.

[This message edited by PricklePatch at 6:42 AM, June 4th (Wednesday)]

Better4it posted 6/3/2014 21:36 PM

Hi Bookworm,

I'm sorry that you're having to deal with all of this pain. I'd encourage you to go to the healing library and read the 180. I made the mistake of letting my WW know that I wanted to R. I feel if I'd done the "180" sooner I wouldn't have had to go through 4 d-days. I was a complete doormat. I was so focused on fixing me and my marriage that I never set boundaries for my wife or saught IC. I was to ashamed to let anyone know about the shame I thought was mine to carry. Not until I went cold and left my WW did I truly put a stop to the A's.

You deserve better. You deserve a H that stays faithful and respects you. You are not here to meet his needs only. I want to encourage you to seek out a therapist that specializes in Infidelity. It really will help you heal.