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1 week since D day

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mashiara posted 6/4/2014 00:22 AM

I just looked at the calendar. Exactly 1 week ago. How can it be only one week? I wrote him a letter a day or 2 after discovery. Since then, I think, his world has also cracked apart. He has shown true desire to do everything necessary to repair the damage, even offering NC before I asked. We've been together 8 years, married less than 1, have a son, and another child on the way.

But I know there is a lot of work for both of us, so as an introduction, here is the letter I wrote:

About 4 months after our wedding you met & fell in love with another woman. You spent time with her, without my knowledge, which means you were hiding it from me. Which means you were lying either outright or by omission. You kissed her - and not just as a friend. And still you did not tell me. I met & liked her and still you did not tell me. Still you lied. For months you lied by not telling me.

Instead you researched & decided you had so much love to give and started to look at a poly lifestyle. A lifestyle where what you did was the norm. And I found out about that. And rather than dismiss it immediately I tried to think if there was some way it could work. Because I love you that much. And as I was working on processing all this, my questions lead to what happened between you & her. Not a single tiny bit of info was freely given to me, though at least every question was answered honestly. I think.

And so that was how I discovered that you cheated on me shortly after our wedding & lied about it for months. By reading between the lines of your answers. By questioning further & further when I didn't want to.

For years I believed I was so lucky. Some things were hard, but not only did you love me, you also respected me. Our relationship, I thought, was based on trust & communication. (A friend) asked me if it was worth it. I said yes. 100 times yes. Because of that respect & trust.

And now I see I didn't have that. You didn't love and respect me enough to not kiss her. You didn't love & respect me enough to tell me - to keep that trust & communication intact. Instead you looked for a way to make it ok.

I am no longer special.
I break a thousand times every hour.
I have nothing.

bravegirl19 posted 6/4/2014 00:35 AM


I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I am also 1 week after my d-day and I am also expecting a baby with WS.

It is sickening that someone we love so much, and who we thought love and respected us beyond words could behave this way. It's sociopathic.

It sounds like you are open to R, my advice would be to take care of yourself as much as possible. I cannot relate to wanting R, but many of the posts here mention that doing the 180 is powerful.

Take care, and keep posting for support!

mashiara posted 6/4/2014 00:49 AM

Thank you bravegirl. I am sorry for your pain as well. For the first few days I really wished I wasn't pregnant. Then I wasn't sure. Now, you are right, we are going to work for R. So, since it DID happen & I can't wish that away, then I'm glad I got pregnant before finding out. I'm 41. If it hadn't happened this spring there would never be a second baby. I hope your feelings towards your future little one are going ok. It's not easy to begin with and the additional pain certainly makes things worse.

I do need to take better care of myself. Please, you do the same.

OakStreet posted 6/4/2014 05:37 AM


It sounds like your WH could be remorseful, but I would recommend reading in The Healing Library AND counseling.

You cannot allow this to be swept under the rug. Both of you need to discuss and process this event in your lives.

Even if WH went no further than kissing, the emotional affair is just as devastating.

Take care of yourself and that baby!

Wishing you all the best.

mashiara posted 6/4/2014 20:19 PM

Thank you oakstreet. I came up with the term "surfing my emotions" last night. I kind of back off of the deep painful stuff after the initial pain. Just keep my thoughts on the surface. Aka sweep it under the rug. I'm actually the one more likely to do so. We were talking this morning. The night I gave him the letter was kind of his dday of really realizing what he had done. And then the next day when I told him yes, it was an emotional affair was another layer for him.

I have read many of the articles in the library and WS is also reading many of the things here and discussing his thoughts with me. Sometimes I think we'll end up stronger. Other times I doubt myself.

We had our first ultrasound today. It was good.

norabird posted 6/4/2014 22:18 PM

Congratulations on your ultrasound! I am so sorry for the timing. The first weeks are obliterating. What you said--surfing your emotions--is an arp description. A friend told me to let the wave of emotion come without fighting but not to wallow in it either. When the wave passes, you haven't drowned. As much as you may feel like it, you're still surviving, still alive. Cling to that, to your strength, and know that you will be strong when needed for your baby; that you will fight through this and the waves will come less frequently and be less intense. It's not a linear process to heal from this but healing DOES happen. Just focus on surviving these initial moments, minute by minute, cling to whatever you can, be good to yourself, use your support system, and know that it is going to get better. You will look back one day and be proud of getting through this and in fact being made stronger by it. For now, take care of yourself.


zeekitty posted 6/5/2014 08:50 AM


It just hurts so bad, doesn't it.

Check out if you wish. Elle is very wise.

mashiara posted 6/5/2014 12:20 PM

Thank you both. It DID feel obliterating at first. But it doesn't right now. That worries me. I don't want to detach too much. But you are right, it does come in waves. I will let the waves wash over me and not try to fight them.

I've ordered 2 of the recommended books and will check out that site as well.

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