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Guess they call it an Exit Affair???

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bravegirl19 posted 6/4/2014 00:59 AM

I am just over a week after my D-day. Honestly, it feels like a month. Every day is long, and every night is eternity. But…I'm better than I was a week ago. I have had no contact with my WS, only business-like email to coordinate bills and logistics for our baby, which is due in a few weeks.

There are moments in each day where I feel hope that I'll be okay, and then I'll start thinking about what he did and I feel sick and devastated again. Good news is all of my STD tests came back negative. The baby and I are very healthy. I have a safe and supportive place to stay. For these things I am grateful.

I've been doing a lot of research on infidelity, and I think in my case WS had what is called an "Exit Affair." He was not happy for a long time, knew he wanted out of the marriage but was a coward and couldn't tell me directly. So, he gave in to temptation with someone he really wanted and had both an EA and PA over many many months- knowing that when I find out the marriage would be over. He never wanted our baby. He resented me for being pregnant and for constantly trying to improve our marriage - because he was already out. (He had just gotten back from Vegas with OW a few days before we started marriage counseling…) This theory doesn't really help me, knowing that even if the affair hadn't happened, he still would've left me. And knowing he wasn't in love with me and didn't want to be married to me anymore PLUS he didn't have any respect or compassion for me in pursuing OW is what is haunting me still. HOW COULD HE DO THIS AFTER EVERYTHING WE'VE BEEN THROUGH? My IC tells me I will never know. WS has dark personal issues and is a pathological liar, I will never get the truth from him. So I have to accept that I know all I need to know. I deserve better.

It takes all the strength in me every single day to not check OW's social media accounts looking for new information on their relationship. My curiosity wants to know what/how they are doing now that WS has left me. (I'm sure their entire A he was telling her how miserable he was but couldn't leave because I was pregnant.) But I am proud to say I have not caved. I believe that my no contact policy with WS includes OW's twitter account. Main reason is…what if I find what I'm looking for…it will make me feel WORSE. So I'm going to stick to my guns and not check it.

So here I am, now a few weeks or less away from having our baby and I am struggling to just get through each day. In addition to the rejection and betrayal by him, I also have to completely prepare for this baby (our first) without him. He got everything he wanted…to have no obligations and to continue f---ing his whore.

Thank God for SI, reading posts and replies everyday is one of the key things giving me insight and strength right now.

BrokenheartedUK posted 6/4/2014 01:41 AM

Bravegirl indeed! You sound really together considering you are about to have a baby!!

It's great that you are in MC and IC--both will help you process what sounds very much like the end of your marriage. I'm so sorry that you are going through this but maybe it's better that you know now, then continue to think that things will get better. He may think he has everything he wants, and it must seem that way to you, but when that child is born it will be a whole different ball game. The love that you (and quite possibly that narcissist that you are married to) will feel for your child will blow your mind. It trumps all believe me.

Do you have family nearby or really good friends? You are going to need some support when that baby arrives.

Keep posting here and let us know how you are doing. HUGS!!!

oldtimer97 posted 6/4/2014 01:44 AM

I'm glad you are seeing improvement each day with time. If anything from this site has rubbed off, I hope you realize ITS NOT YOUR FAULT! As for all the reasons you've listed under exit know what? Hogwash..pretty much to the word most of the cheaters say this in one form or another. Blameshifting, the rewriting of marital history, etc., etc. Also know as the Cheater's Manual or How to Cheat 101.

It might do you well to read "Not Just Friends" it's about the most often recommended book on affairs and gives you a good run down on affairs from all viewpoints. The author is now deceased so it hasn't been updated to include today's technology, for that I'd recommend Chatting or Cheating. Another thing I recommend is the sociologic term that's used for cheaters: Mate Poachers/Poachees. There are a couple of lengthy studies out there, but if you push through the scientific mumbo jumbo, they are good reads and explain about the character defects of these people.

Barring all the above, just continue to hang with us and you will pick this up and not be so willing to take responsibility for the excuses he tries to brand you with. For the most part, except for the severely disordered narcissists (NPD), borderline personality disorder (BPD) as an example, most of them are just impulsive & selfish with poor boundaries & throw in some unsettled Family of Origins (FOO) to boot. We refuse to let you take the blame okay?

Now go look at some baby on Pinterest, that will take your mind off of him!

dmari posted 6/4/2014 01:44 AM

(((((bravegirl19))))) Your name is very fitting! I see so many examples of your bravery and strength ~ you are just a week out of dday and you are already NC (except finances and baby to be) with WS; in IC; completed STD testing; found a supportive place to stay; and you are here ... reading and posting on SI!! Give yourself a huge hug!!

I am so so sorry that you are here though. No matter how STRONG you are, it still fucking sucks to be here. I'm sorry that what should be an amazing time in your life has been tainted by your WS.

You may think he got what he wanted but what does it really amount to? You, bravegirl19, are on your way to an amazing future with you and your child. The connection you will have with your baby, the moments you two will share, the firsts of everything, the discoveries, the snuggles, the laughs and the many many memories.

You will grieve for your marriage and grieve the man you thought you married and because you are doing the hard work processing this shit sandwich ~ you will come out the other side in better shape than you are right now.

It's hard to see but you need to trust us that have BTDT. Life gets so much better!! Keep doing what you are doing, ok?

Violated posted 6/4/2014 01:58 AM


I admire your strength. Sending you more. I'm so glad you have family to lean on.

When your baby comes, you will see there's no other love like it. It's amazing.

Take care of yourself, what's-his-name doesn't deserve you. Please keep us posted.

Hatemyhusband posted 6/4/2014 05:54 AM

Life is tough. We have stuff thown at us that we do not deserve. I'm six months out if my Hs two year affair. I've been thru nothing like this in my life. I'm a good person, love life and love my family.
The DD caused me to fall to my knees, vomit daily, lose sleep, sob BUT aside from a day or two of complete shutdown , I picked myself up and I am strong

A friend gave me the best advice when I returned to work. She kept saying "focus on putting one foot in front of the other and just a half hour at a time". I focused on that. I focused on getting thru small chunks of the day, then I'd be impressed that I did. It allowed me to carry on

Xo. U are strong and you will show that baby what a string mom you are. You CAN do this- with or without him.

bravegirl19 posted 6/4/2014 06:33 AM

Thank you everyone for your replies. I'm up at 4AM again today and can't sleep. Being able to get online and view your responses has helped me so much this morning.

Brokenhearted: Yes, I am actually staying with my family. Now I am in my childhood home, a place I feel safest with parents and siblings always around. They have been amazing, I don't know what I would've done without them.

Oldtimer: I know you are right. There is no excuse for cheating on a spouse. I refer to what he did as an exit affair because he had told me more than once in the last year or two that he wasn't happy. He couldn't articulate why because he lacked the emotional intelligence and integrity to understand and be honest with me. However, I could see he wasn't happy but didn't know what to do about it. (We had just started marriage counseling, but it was too late…) I will definitely look into the references you mentioned, thank you for the recommendations.

dmari: When you said it looks like he has everything he wants but everything will change for me when my baby arrives - it brought me to tears. THAT is what is keeping me going. I have a feeling once I see/hold my precious son or daughter, my focus will be redirected to them and I will be filled with love again.

Violated: Thank you. I do understand he didn't deserve me. I was an amazing wife to him. I always put his needs before my own, took care of 90% our life responsibilities, and it still wasn't enough for him. I really think he is miserable inside of himself, and nothing I or anyone can do will change that.

Hatemyhusband: Thanks for saying I can do this….there are moments where I just don't know how! You are ahead of me on this crappy journey, and I can tell from what you shared that you are still hurting. I can't believe someone who claimed to love us could do such horrible things.

nomistakeaboutit posted 6/4/2014 06:56 AM

Dear Brave and Strong One,

First, Dmari's post and others have hit the nail on the head.

I would just add a couple of things. First, gently and hopefully in support of your new journey, it wouldn't help to have a selfish pathological liar as a daily partner helping to raise your child. "Truth" is one of the MOST important principles you will model for your child. Yiou don't need daily examples being displayed, which pull in the other direction.

Ialeo, although it is a complete mind blower, it is also very helpful to have identified this early that his affair was an "exit affair". My x-wife also had an exit affair.....but I just didn't know it for a few months, or longer. Once I figured out that she actually WANTED to leave, I could begin to process much better and faster. It still took quite a bit of time to process, though. It will for you, too, but you will be OK.

I respect how far you've come in figuring all of this infidelity bullshit out so quickly. I can see that you are smart and brave, but I know that doesn't fully protect you from pain. There is no easy way other than keeping walking straight through it, processing along the way, going to IC, reading here, and in just a few days channeling your love to your sweet baby.

Good luck with your delivery. Truly the greatest of life's joys awaits you.

Sadmumma posted 6/4/2014 07:04 AM

Brave girl,

I feel your pain, I really do. The moron ( WH) has an affair throughout my last pregnancy with a co worker.

I do not know when it began... He too is a pathological liar. He swears they are just friends. And once, only once has admitted to being with her while I was pregnant. Then he denied it afterwards. In any case, it's not important.

Read here, post often. I found the people here so kind and full of wisdom. Look after yourself and your baby. Stay hydrated, rest where you can. You'll have good days and and days.. Eventually the good days outnumber the bad.

Thinking of you

allatsea posted 6/4/2014 07:09 AM


I am very impressed at your strength, especially with your impending birth. It took most of us a lot longer to get to the place you're at.

Your husband is a fucking arse.

Welcome to this wonderful place.
Just know that every emotion is natural. You will question everything and process and re-process until you can't take anymore.

It does get better.

We're here for you

NeverAgain2013 posted 6/4/2014 08:35 AM

He was not happy for a long time, knew he wanted out of the marriage but was a coward and couldn't tell me directly. So, he gave in to temptation with someone he really wanted and had both an EA and PA over many many months- knowing that when I find out the marriage would be over.

Cowards that cheaters ARE, they also want to be sure they have a soft spot to land. God FORBID they get out and fend for themselves on their own.

Make sure your lawyer is a hungry, thirsty SHARK.

bravegirl19 posted 6/4/2014 13:40 PM

Neveragain, I know exactly what you're talking about. It's so unfair that he did the betraying and is in the wrong yet he already has someone to distract him and turn to. While I'm left to deal with what he has done alone. It is so not fair.

tushnurse posted 6/4/2014 15:03 PM


As far as this goes....

WS has dark personal issues and is a pathological liar

That's pretty much your reason why he did it there.

He is a sad broken little man. YOU deserve much more.

Continue to stay strong. You will be much better off.

veronique12 posted 6/4/2014 18:12 PM


Just wanted to send you a hug and let you know that I am also an admirer of your strength and bravery. Your child is so lucky that you're his or her mama. I am sure that you will pass these qualities on.

mashiara posted 6/4/2014 20:30 PM

Most has been well said already. I just want to add one caution. Watch out for ppd. I didn't think I had it with my first. I dismissed how I was feeling as normal. I didn't get help for it until last Oct/Nov and I could kick myself for not seeking help sooner. If your counselor asks about it after the birth, give it some thought, ok? I hate that I kind of missed out on/couldn't enjoy the first 3 years of my son's life.

bravegirl19 posted 6/5/2014 19:04 PM

I can't thank you all enough, for your replies. From the bottom of my heart, your support means so much.

12yearsloyal posted 6/8/2014 20:29 PM


You are an inspiration. Right now I want to rip someone's head off but I am drawing strength from you. Realize you are helping us as much as some may be helping you. I guess we all have a purpose. Sending hugs as much as I can. Keep us posted on your baby.

Wall321 posted 6/8/2014 22:17 PM

Interesting. That sounds familiar. I think that's what my ww did too. It's an easy way out. They can feel sorry for themselves, instead of leaving the marriage, they can "make a mistake that they regret" and then is the bs's decision to leave the marriage. Cowards!

Also with the social media. You are stronger than me. After a month of knowing d was imminent, I finally deleted ww and om on all social media and also ww's family. I try not to creep but sometimes it's so tempting to do just a quick search. But it doesn't lead anywhere good.

Good luck!

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