[This message edited by FixYou71 at 1:42 AM, June 4th (Wednesday)]
I want my WH to pursue me to feel wanted, but also so that I am not the one reaching out to him. I generally do want the hugs, etc. but if I'm the one initiating it, it's slightly less comforting and feels needy (although being needy is normal right now). If he initiates it and I'm not in a place of being okay with him touching me, I can reject it. I want the option to reject him so that he is demonstrating his desire to comfort me and be with me, but I get to decide how much of that is okay for the emotions I'm having that particular hour. (Admittedly, there is some part of me that likes being able to reject him after he rejected me for so long, but I don't let myself reject him for the sake of rejecting- I just like that he's reaching out and I accept it when I'm able to)
[This message edited by TheIrishGirl at 9:25 AM, June 4th (Wednesday)]
You've been dealt another painful blow, realizing that your spouse will lie to you for their own selfish gain - which is for you to not leave them. I just can never think of something so utterly condescending than to have someone not give me the truth of my own existence. To think I can't handle it, than I will crumple and fall. Maybe I will, but I WILL get back up. And to know that they tell themselves that lies are ok, because it really protects THEM from unattractive fallout. Once my spouse really owned this concept - that no matter what happens, no matter if I leave or I hate him or I can't recover or I fall out of love or we heal, that it is MY CHOICE. Not his. He does not get to control the flow of information to me about my life. I make the calls. I deserve the information I need to make my own decisions about my own life. Once the wayward lets go that control, then you are on to something. I hope this is where you are, Fix. And I hope this is where he is.
The wayward must stop the manipulation and control, and let YOU control your destiny.
As for the distance you feel, I think it's ok. Continue to work the process and I am certain it will come back. But it may take time, because you know now he isn't safe for you. But it is confusing, to look to your normal comfort in a place that is no longer safe.
[This message edited by boontje at 3:39 PM, June 4th (Wednesday)]
So you do it one day at a time until you can't...and on that day you know. If that day never comes the doubt and questions fade and eventually become replaced with strength and conviction.
I, too, experienced real doubt about my W's desire to be with me for a long time, and that seems to be not only normal but healthy. You've been betrayed. Now your betrayer is telling you he won't do it again - but actions speak a lot louder than words, and his last actions were to betray you. As I say, the doubt was based solidly in reality and shouldn't be ignored.
As I worked on myself and healed, I realized I'd be OK on my own. The most recent evidence I had was that my W did, in fact, want to be with me, so if I wanted to touch or be touched, I let her or asked her to touch me and/or I touched her.
The key for me was working on me. Part of that was knowing I was in charge of feeling safe or not - my W influenced that, but she couldn't make me feel one way or the other.
So I began to touch her or be touched by her as I wished. It sounds like you're doing that now.
My next step, which was to give myself permission to make a mistake. I decided that, if I accepted a false touch, for example, I wouldn't like it, but I most definitely would recover.
R is a risk. You're bound to make mistakes in the process. Accept your fallibility. Have faith in yourself to recover.
It may help to ask your H for specific types of touches with limits. Asserting your boundaries is good for all of us, and accepting your boundaries will be good for him.
JMO, of course. I really hope you find a way to touch and be touched safely and enjoyably while staying within your limits.
Yes. Like a knife being twisted. Your words do help. It's does help knowing others have the same tyoes of feelings. I have a tendency to feel there is something fundamentally wrong with me. Somehow, in some ways it almost feels immature to feel so out if control emotionally and so needy and unsure.
Thank you. I like the idea of trying to give myself permission to fail and permission to feel and know I'll be able to handle the results whether good or bad.I know I need a lot more work on myself. I have really compromised self esteem and feelings of unworthiness and I'm not sure why. But youre right on point. I know from experience that even when he does everything right that doesn't throw a switch and make me suddenly o.k. He has a big affect but is not the be all and end all to my answer for healing and me eventually feeling safe again. I appreciate you taking the time to respond. I've just been so sad and feeling so lost. I needed to know it's not just me I guess.
[This message edited by FixYou71 at 1:06 AM, June 5th (Thursday)]
"Forgiveness means giving up all hope of a better past."
I really want him to pursue me too, to put his arms around me and prove that he wants me, to refuse to let me go (figuratively of course)even when I push him away.
Exactly!!! I want him to be needy for ME, and not take no for an answer in a way. Like he's fighting to keep my love and is afraid to lose it. I want to feel that he is feeling warm and fuzzy and I fill a void noone else can. (Yet at the same time I'm pretty sure even that would not be enough to make me feel safe completely. It sure would help though..if I could allow myself to believe it was authentic. You nailed it.
[This message edited by FixYou71 at 1:15 AM, June 5th (Thursday)]