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can anyone relate or help explain this?

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FixYou71 posted 6/4/2014 01:30 AM

I'm facing a major setback that I never thought I would face.
A few days ago my H finally responded to some questions I'd been asking for a few months. Some longer. The answers themselves were really painful, a new dday to add to the list, but the fact that he lied to me for years, as I had asked one specific question many times before, and even lied very recently about the same issue. The only reason he finally came clean is because I completely pulled away from him. I was so distraught that he was ignoring my letters (I communicate alot in written form) and I'd practically begged him to answer some things for me. It hurt so bad that he wouldn't that I couldn't do anything but pull away.
What I'm trying to get a grasp on is this battle going on inside me. Its almost like multiple personalities emotionally. I feel so unsafe again. Just like at the very beginning after dday. I'm wondering if anyone else has experienced this and has a good way of describing it. I feel like I cant do it justice and I want to communicate it to him in a way I think he'll get it.
Example: We go to bed at night and typically we would snuggle and talk, I'd play with his hair, rub his back etc. The give and take of affection and attention was comfortable and easy usually. Now, as I lay next to him but in my own space, he may try to hold my hand or tell me to come closer etc. but I get overwhelmed and cant really figure out my emotions. I feel a strong sense of needing to protect myself. The little man on my shoulder is telling me his offer to be close or his offer for affection is coming from a place of obligation rather than desire to be close to me. It's like I need him to really need to be close to me but even then I'm not sure that would break me of this feeling of needing to protect myself because I cant seem to believe in his love. It's almost anger but not really. The whole time I'm feeling this and obviously not reciprocating, all I really want is to be close to him and feel safe and feel loved and believe it. Then I lay there with my back to him and feel so empty and want him to pursue me, to be the one to fight for what we had because he can't stand losing it. Then I find myself resenting him for not fighting. If he's tired or stressed over work etc. It feels very personal and makes it even harder. Even him just falling asleep can get under my skin. Like, I'm in pain, how can you sleep? It feels like him not caring. (Ridiculous) If I told him this though, and he did fight, I'd feel the obligation was his motivation again. Ugh. I wish I could explain this better. This happens even in the midst of the rare moment that I somehow am able to let my guard down and get close. One minute things are pretty ok, maybe more reserved in light of recent events but ok, and suddenly my brain freaks out and I am someone else who can't stand to be touched because I feel so unsafe, I feel it's not genuine, I feel he's not being demonstrative enough. Then I pull away and freak out inside. Its like I just lost a years worth of progress overnight. Its really bad. I need so much proof now and I need it constantly.
Can anyone relate to this or help make sense of it or explain it? Uuugghhhh.
(I should add that he has promised me that he will make me feel safe again. He has sobbed, apologized, told me the only reason he lied and avoided answering my questions was because he saw how much pain he had already caused me and it killed him to see me hurting so bad and he didnt want to hurt me again. He was also afraid I would leave him. He says I am everything good in his life and he only wants me and nothing and noone can compete for his heart)

[This message edited by FixYou71 at 1:42 AM, June 4th (Wednesday)]

deena04 posted 6/4/2014 07:58 AM

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. The roller coaster can go up and down for a long time. This setback could be from that and perfectly (unfortunately) normal. Do you have an IC to talk to? Maybe that could help you work out your feelings a bit? This stuff sucks; no ifs, ands, or buts about it.

TheIrishGirl posted 6/4/2014 09:24 AM

All those things you feel sound perfectly appropriate for a new DDay. Of course you want to feel wanted and persued- that's precisely what was missing during his A; but then you're being wanted and persued by the man that hurt you and proceeded to lie to you about it, how can you accept the positive attention from that guy? He's both the source of your comfort and pain. And when the pain is fresh and raw from a new DDay, any comfort he can give will feel awkward and uncomfortable.

I want my WH to pursue me to feel wanted, but also so that I am not the one reaching out to him. I generally do want the hugs, etc. but if I'm the one initiating it, it's slightly less comforting and feels needy (although being needy is normal right now). If he initiates it and I'm not in a place of being okay with him touching me, I can reject it. I want the option to reject him so that he is demonstrating his desire to comfort me and be with me, but I get to decide how much of that is okay for the emotions I'm having that particular hour. (Admittedly, there is some part of me that likes being able to reject him after he rejected me for so long, but I don't let myself reject him for the sake of rejecting- I just like that he's reaching out and I accept it when I'm able to)

[This message edited by TheIrishGirl at 9:25 AM, June 4th (Wednesday)]

FixYou71 posted 6/4/2014 14:23 PM

Thank you for responding. It does help hearing you say it's normal. Its so upsetting because I worked soooooo hard on being vulnerable and had made great progress feeling open to relax and be affectionate with him. Not perfect yet but lots of progress. It really makes me so sad that this is where I am again. I feel so tricked or jilted or something. Its just feels so unfair to have to go back so far on the vulnerability side of things. I so bad want to just hug him and feel that good, safe, connected feeling again and it hurts that I can't have that. He's right there and I miss him. Ya know? Sigh. I hate this needy feeling.

Rebreather posted 6/4/2014 14:35 PM

It is totally normal what you are feeling.

You've been dealt another painful blow, realizing that your spouse will lie to you for their own selfish gain - which is for you to not leave them. I just can never think of something so utterly condescending than to have someone not give me the truth of my own existence. To think I can't handle it, than I will crumple and fall. Maybe I will, but I WILL get back up. And to know that they tell themselves that lies are ok, because it really protects THEM from unattractive fallout. Once my spouse really owned this concept - that no matter what happens, no matter if I leave or I hate him or I can't recover or I fall out of love or we heal, that it is MY CHOICE. Not his. He does not get to control the flow of information to me about my life. I make the calls. I deserve the information I need to make my own decisions about my own life. Once the wayward lets go that control, then you are on to something. I hope this is where you are, Fix. And I hope this is where he is.

The wayward must stop the manipulation and control, and let YOU control your destiny.

As for the distance you feel, I think it's ok. Continue to work the process and I am certain it will come back. But it may take time, because you know now he isn't safe for you. But it is confusing, to look to your normal comfort in a place that is no longer safe.

boontje posted 6/4/2014 15:38 PM

What you are experiencing is very normal after a new dday. Unfortunately I have had a couple more ddays than I care to. What your WS needs to understand is that with each new discovery, the healing clock is reset. You are back to square one. In my own experience, recovering from TT and new discoveries is much, much more difficult than the original discovery. I remember when i posted about a new dday, a wise SIer told me it was like my husband had not only stabbed me in the stomach, but then watched me bleed, and then twisted the knife even further in. That described exactly how I felt. When we have repeatedly begged for the truth and were given more lies, our feelings of safety with our WS take a huge hit. I am nearly one year out from my 3rd and I hope final dday, and I will be honest, it is a daily struggle because I just don't feel safe any longer. That's not to say I won't, but it is something I deal with still in IC, and in my head. The one thing that has helped me the most is to live in the moment, and not let my head go into that ugly space of the what ifs, the unknowns, and the past. Some days are better than others. I hope this helps. (((fix)))

[This message edited by boontje at 3:39 PM, June 4th (Wednesday)]

sisoon posted 6/4/2014 16:16 PM

Some thoughts...

I, too, experienced real doubt about my W's desire to be with me for a long time, and that seems to be not only normal but healthy. You've been betrayed. Now your betrayer is telling you he won't do it again - but actions speak a lot louder than words, and his last actions were to betray you. As I say, the doubt was based solidly in reality and shouldn't be ignored.

As I worked on myself and healed, I realized I'd be OK on my own. The most recent evidence I had was that my W did, in fact, want to be with me, so if I wanted to touch or be touched, I let her or asked her to touch me and/or I touched her.

The key for me was working on me. Part of that was knowing I was in charge of feeling safe or not - my W influenced that, but she couldn't make me feel one way or the other.

So I began to touch her or be touched by her as I wished. It sounds like you're doing that now.

My next step, which was to give myself permission to make a mistake. I decided that, if I accepted a false touch, for example, I wouldn't like it, but I most definitely would recover.

R is a risk. You're bound to make mistakes in the process. Accept your fallibility. Have faith in yourself to recover.

It may help to ask your H for specific types of touches with limits. Asserting your boundaries is good for all of us, and accepting your boundaries will be good for him.

JMO, of course. I really hope you find a way to touch and be touched safely and enjoyably while staying within your limits.


FixYou71 posted 6/4/2014 18:06 PM

Thank you. That is exactly what I told my H, that he made choices for me the day he did the deed and didn't tell me and over and over later when he claimed there was no more to tell. This now causes a lot of fear because after seeing my reaction to the original dday he was afraid to come clean and who's to say after this new news the vault isnt sealed for anything else that may have happened.

Yes. Like a knife being twisted. Your words do help. It's does help knowing others have the same tyoes of feelings. I have a tendency to feel there is something fundamentally wrong with me. Somehow, in some ways it almost feels immature to feel so out if control emotionally and so needy and unsure.

Thank you. I like the idea of trying to give myself permission to fail and permission to feel and know I'll be able to handle the results whether good or bad.I know I need a lot more work on myself. I have really compromised self esteem and feelings of unworthiness and I'm not sure why. But youre right on point. I know from experience that even when he does everything right that doesn't throw a switch and make me suddenly o.k. He has a big affect but is not the be all and end all to my answer for healing and me eventually feeling safe again. I appreciate you taking the time to respond. I've just been so sad and feeling so lost. I needed to know it's not just me I guess.

[This message edited by FixYou71 at 1:06 AM, June 5th (Thursday)]

inshockandhurt posted 6/4/2014 18:43 PM

I know exactly what you mean. Sometimes I pull away from my husband because I am afraid he doesn't want me and he feels afraid to touch me because he thinks that I am angry at him, or that he doesn't deserve to touch me (his words) so we just lay there in silence with a huge distance between us. I really want him to pursue me too, to put his arms around me and prove that he wants me, to refuse to let me go (figuratively of course)even when I push him away. Does that make any sense? I can't seem to bring myself to ask for comfort because like you said, I would be afraid that he was only doing it out of a sense of obligation and not actual desire for me. So I really want him to show me affection and stuff, even when it seems like I am upset, sometimes that is actually when I need it most, but it seems as if that is when he is most afraid to give it. I have been trying to help him understand that but I think shame gets in the way sometimes. I just need him to be the strong one, and push past the shame and comfort me. He does try sometimes, but sometimes he just seems frozen or something. I don't know. Anyway, I think I know how you feel, it is tough to explain huh?

FixYou71 posted 6/4/2014 18:59 PM

Inshock, YES!!!

I really want him to pursue me too, to put his arms around me and prove that he wants me, to refuse to let me go (figuratively of course)even when I push him away.

Exactly!!! I want him to be needy for ME, and not take no for an answer in a way. Like he's fighting to keep my love and is afraid to lose it. I want to feel that he is feeling warm and fuzzy and I fill a void noone else can. (Yet at the same time I'm pretty sure even that would not be enough to make me feel safe completely. It sure would help though..if I could allow myself to believe it was authentic. You nailed it.

[This message edited by FixYou71 at 1:15 AM, June 5th (Thursday)]

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