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Just need some strength

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LostSamurai posted 6/4/2014 06:31 AM

Today, on my way to work, I was feeling very sad, about how everything turned out. After yesterdays MC and how she just sat there like a bump on a log and didn't act like she cared about anything.

I was so angry and upset, but now...I am just completely heartbroken. And the one, I loved the most doesn't even care.

I am working on myself, and I am making plans to do things with the daughter. Going to try and take her to the Washington Zoo. Free but a lot to see.

deena04 posted 6/4/2014 06:36 AM

Sending strength to you and your Daughter!!

LostSamurai posted 6/4/2014 06:40 AM

Thank you. I never felt like this before but I just want to cry...can't because I am at work...

yearsofpain25 posted 6/4/2014 07:04 AM

I can feel your pain in your writing LS. Coming to the realization that another doesn't love you as much as you love them is extremely difficult. You are grieving. Grieving for a loss of so many things. I understand. Allow yourself to grieve. Dismiss yourself to your car and go cry if you need to. Let it out rather keep it in. This coming from someone who kept it all in for 25 years.

One thing I can say with certainty, once you finish letting go and get through you're grief, you are going to feel better. You will get through this.

Sending you strength and courage friend.

yop

LostSamurai posted 6/4/2014 07:07 AM

Thank you. I would go to my car if I could, but I can't walk all the way back 76+ miles. I would be crying for sure. I work in DC... Live north of Baltimore.

I guess your right.

annb posted 6/4/2014 07:11 AM

Lost, you are doing great, sadness is just part of this entire sh*t sandwich...but keep in mind the sadness is temporary...it will fade, and you will begin to feel joy again.

Be joyful when you are with your daughter. Three years old is a great age, so inquisitive! Make her the center of your life, and you will experience joy each and every day.

Find an outside activity to keep you busy, I always found that when I was out of my environment and around people (even though sometimes I'd be faking it), I felt a bit better...just snippets of relief, but something to cling to.

((((Lost)))))

yearsofpain25 posted 6/4/2014 07:12 AM

yeah that would be a long way to go to get to your car. Sorry that I forgot you take the train and commute. Go for a walk or something or a private place....if you can. You are really hurting. Can you take the day off?

LostSamurai posted 6/4/2014 07:19 AM

I think it is best I am here. Once people come in, I can start telling some jokes, and get some laughs. I have a great team of people here and it's nice to see some happy faces.

LostSamurai posted 6/4/2014 07:20 AM

annb,
your right. I think I am going to go to the gym, and then when I get home I am going to email this guy and join his rugby team...

TrulySad posted 6/4/2014 07:35 AM

Hang in there! The rugby team is a great idea...and the zoo can be so much fun! Try not to look at the future right now. Think only about getting through today. Keep reminding yourself how proud you are to be standing tall and with character during this time. It will get better, but allow yourself this time to grieve...

Keep talking here, and remember you aren't alone...

tushnurse posted 6/4/2014 08:07 AM

(((LS))))

This hurts, and it hurts like nothing else.
It's ok to be sad, and to cry, and to scream, and to let it all out.

You are allowed to, and should grieve. You are dealing with the loss of a M, and a W. It stings. If you don't allow yourself to feel what it normal, and stuff it all down, or compartmentalize it, or sweep it under the rug, then you won't heal properly.

I compare it to having a wound. If you don't properly clean it, and care for it, it will appear like it is healing, and sometimes much more quickly than if you had taken the time to really clean it out, and allow it to heal from the bottom up, when you don't let this happen it gets icky, filled with infection, and causes poison, and infection to spread throughout.
Heal yourself the right way, so you only have to go through it once.

Start focusing on you and your daughter. Demand equal time, and enjoy that time with her. Let he know her father loves her more than anything. SHE deserves that. It will also help you heal.

Communicate with her via Email only and about finances, and your daughter only. She doesn't care about anything else, and you only open yourself up for more pain by attempting to discuss more.

You can do this, and WE all 40000 Plus of us got your back friend.

((((and strength)))

LostSamurai posted 6/4/2014 08:10 AM

thank you TN.
I am glad you all been there for me since the beginning. I wish it wasn't 400000+ since, that is just a sad number to have to deal with this.

I will take your advice. Once I keep myself focused, I am almost ready to stop, but then when I stop, I just want to cry. I just want to survive this day, and go see my daughter.

TrustedHer posted 6/4/2014 08:24 AM

Lost, when you get a chance, find someplace to cry.

Tears are pain leaving your body.

Let it out. Wail. Cry. Gnash your teeth. Sob.

Then plan on doing it again. Eventually, you can actually schedule it. I used to do it at home every night at 9:00. Then just Sunday at 9:00. Then some Sundays I forgot.

LostSamurai posted 6/4/2014 08:54 AM

Thanks. I will have to do that. Plan out a crying session. I will do that tonight. Maybe it will help.

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