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Sadsister posted 6/4/2014 06:53 AM

I am glad I found this forum.I have been feeling so alone and lost. I have an appointment with a counselor but that is not for another week. I have been married for 37years. We have 2 grown children who live close by and 3 wonderful grandchildren. Our eldest grandchild spent the weekend with us and was playing in the barn. He is only 3,so I was with him. He opened a toolbox drawer to rummage around in it and I noticed a letter. It was a rough draft of a love letter that was so heart felt. It spoke of finding spiritual partner and not feeling any guilt, but instead feeling that he had finally discovered himself. When we were alone I confronted my H about it. He confessed that he had fallen in love with a woman 13years ago. That they had an affair for 6 months and that he had wanted to start a new life with her. He said that she eventually did not want to leave her family and that they broke it off.he said he was heartbroken for awhile,but then "came to my senses" and realized that he also did not want to lose his family. He said he did not say anything for 13 years because he wanted to spare me the pain and he feels that he loves me more than ever before because of this. I am so torn. On one hand I feel that we have had a good life together and made a good family. I really don't want to lose this bond we all have. I have thought of him as my best friend for so long, I am lost.on the other hand,knowing that he was ready to throw it all away for her, and then staying because it didn't work out is so hurtful. I go from feeling steady and normal to awash with anger and hurt.i don't know what to do

TrustedHer posted 6/4/2014 08:14 AM

For him, this is something that happened 13 years ago.

For you, it happened last week.

He thinks he's put it all behind him.

You are suffering in this moment.

Take time to deal with this. I'm a fan of IC (Individual Counseling) for dealing with this. Don't make any big decisions until you have had some time to settle down.

It will likely take you months, maybe several months, to deal with this trauma.

Read a lot in the Healing Library. There's a link in the yellow box at the upper left of your screen.

If he really means "He said he did not say anything for 13 years because he wanted to spare me the pain and he feels that he loves me more than ever before because of this.", then he needs to step up and do what it takes to help you heal. He needs to take responsibility for what he did, and for helping you get through this.

ETA: (Edited To Add) There's a thread in the I Can Relate forum for those who found out years later. It might be helpful to see others who share your experience.

[This message edited by TrustedHer at 8:16 AM, June 4th (Wednesday)]

BEM817 posted 6/4/2014 08:35 AM

So sorry you are here, but glad that you found this site. It is filled with an amazing group of men and women who have been and are going through exactly the same thing you are.
Be gentle with yourself. As Trusted Her pointed out, the A may have occurred 13 years ago, but to you, it just happened. Try to eat, drink water and rest when you can. You are experiencing one of the most horrific traumas one can go through. Your emotional state will run the gamut, from sadness to hopeless to anger. Wash, rinse and repeat.
I'm two years out from finding out about my Husband's affair and I can tell you (as can others) that it's one step forward, two steps back.
The onus is on your husband now. If he is remorseful, he must show you he's willing to do anything to save this marriage if you decide you want it to be saved. He must be open and honest and willing to answer any questions you have. He must be consistent. Don't make any decisions right now. His actions must match his words. You can't "get over it" just as he can't erase what he did.
I can tell you from personal experience that I felt and still feel at times that I'm not sure I can stay with a man who so carelessly threw 20 years of our shared history away and that is with a remorseful husband. I was always the one who said infidelity was a deal breaker. Then it happened to me. It's not so black and white when you have built a life with someone who then sets off an atomic bomb in your marriage.
Take it one day at a time. Sometimes one minute at a time if that's all you can muster. I'm glad that you set up counseling for yourself. I did after discovery and also insisted that my husband go to individual counseling as well. I would also suggest marriage counseling, but only when you're ready.
Check out the Healing Library, there's a lot of great reading there.
Others will be along shortly, many of which have been successfully reconciled, but I wanted to let you know you've been heard. Welcome to the best club nobody ever wanted to join.
Peace, support and love to you...

mashiara posted 6/4/2014 20:37 PM


norabird posted 6/4/2014 22:10 PM


I'm so sorry. You can still have your bond with him, though I know right now it feels impossible. It will be hard, there will be triggers, you will feel vulnerable and angry and sad, but he can help you, and with reassurance and time and some counseling, you can feel even closer than before. However don't force yourself to stuff down your feelings because it happened in the past. It is still a loss. The rug has been torn away from your feet and the blinkers from your eyes. Suddenly you question everything. It's a betrayal even if he stayed. I hope he realizes you need to be able to talk about this and be given room to discuss and vent your feelings. And don't forget that you ARE loved and he did stay; I know it doesn't make the pain go away, but hang onto that if you can. There is a thread in the I Can Relate forum for those finding out years later that you may find helpful. It is not an easy matter of weeks or months to synths is ethics new information about your life. But have faith that you can do it.

You will be okay.

Sadsister posted 6/4/2014 23:44 PM

Thank you all for your words of encouragement. I went searching through his study and found a journal that he had made an entry from '91 that said only God knew about the self induced scar he carried. I confronted him with that and he broke down and confessed that he had had 2 one night stands with the same woman some time apart back in the 80's. I feel like there is more,but he denies it. I have asked him to please just tell me so that I don't have to feel that another bomb is going to go off and still he denies it. Maybe that is the truth. I just don't know what is real anymore.

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