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Newest Member: Dha0128 (46042)

User Topic: Being honest with myself
Brandon808
♂ 35619
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've realized that sharing what's going on with me makes me feel better. Not keeping it inside relieves a pressure I didn't even know I was under. So I'm here again posting about a moment where I realized I had to be honest with myself.

I posted awhile back about a job in December where I worked 100% from home. Well the workload for that job proved to be more than I expected and made me very isolated. I found a new job that alleviates some of those problems. That isolation had a real impact on me. As horrible as it felt it has motivated me to get out and meet people more than I ever did before.

I still had my regrets about my taking the job though. I took a big chance to move to a work-from-home job. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but why did it seem so good? I finally figured it out.

Some time before taking that job I was seeing a woman. It was a long distance relationship so we talked and skyped during the week and drove on weekends. My feelings for her grew to love. Her feelings for me didn't and she ended the relationship. When she ended it she said if it wasn't a LDR then maybe we could have tried.

Even though it was several months after she broke up with me I had to be honest with myself and realize that I took that job because of her. I didn't have a plan. I couldn't even be honest with myself and face that inner truth at the time. I just know that somewhere deep down I thought taking that job, removing that "obstacle", would change things. It didn't.

ETA: When I say I took this job because of her I meant that it would have enabled move to live anywhere, even potentially in her city.

[This message edited by Brandon808 at 9:54 AM, June 4th, 2014 (Wednesday)]


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 4118 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
Williesmom
♀ 22870
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Brandon))

Learn from this. Use this to make your life better.

You are worthy.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7866 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
Brandon808
♂ 35619
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Williesmom


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 4118 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
abbycadabby
♀ 27428
Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Brandon)))

1) How long had you been dating LDR woman before taking the work from home job in December?

2) Did you have qualms about the work from home job before accepting the offer? If so, did you ignore your concerns?


Posts: 1321 | Registered: Feb 2010
Brandon808
♂ 35619
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well Abby, that's the tricky part.
1) See she had already broken up with me about six months prior to that. We had talked a little bit in between but there hasn't been any contact for awhile. Like I said I didn't face the fact that wanting to "fix" one of the issues that supposedly broke us up was my underlying motivation. I didn't have a plan. We knew each other for about nine months, dated just shy of six.

2) Did I have qualms? Yes, I did. Why did I ignore them? See #1. I told myself it would be a good opportunity, but I actually knew that professionally all it really offered me was the mobility of working from home. Except I had no reason to want to do that other than for her, but we weren't together anymore. Losing her hurt and I regretted not really fighting for her more. She seemed pretty resolved at the time. So I stuffed it down. My desire to fight for her with wanting to respect her decision.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 4118 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
abbycadabby
♀ 27428
Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for your follow up. One more:

3) How did LDR woman react to your taking the work from home job that would allow you two more mobility for an R?

[This message edited by abbycadabby at 10:15 AM, June 4th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 1321 | Registered: Feb 2010
Brandon808
♂ 35619
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Abby,

3) No it didn't. Even though I was still thinking about her I was also still really hurting from losing her. I didn't reach out to her. I thought about what she said and convinced myself that maybe she said that (about the LDR being a big obstacle) to make feel better.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 4118 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
abbycadabby
♀ 27428
Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dangit! You responded to my original question! lol I edited.

ETA: my original question 3 was: Did taking the work from home job lead to a renewal of your R with LDR woman (or something like that). I edited because clearly it didn't, or you wouldn't be posting about it.

[This message edited by abbycadabby at 10:25 AM, June 4th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 1321 | Registered: Feb 2010
She11ybeanz
♀ 27457
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Brandon))

Its always so liberating when that lightbulb turns on and its like "DINGDINGDINGDING" no matter how horrific the realization may be when we figure out something we have done not even realizing that it may be toxic to ourselves or to our inner truth! Good for you for realizing it and taking action to make your life more bearable, less stressed, and more sociable! You deserve full and complete happiness and when you decide (even subconsciously) to orbit around someone like their own personal moon, its bound to eventually take its toll. Especially if both people are not invested in the relationship. Now my almost 2 year old daughter probably believes I am her moon.... but that's okay..... (and slightly different!)


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2732 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
Brandon808
♂ 35619
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks She11y. You're right. That moment of realization is helpful. Where I go from here I'm not sure yet.


Oh, being the center of your little girl's orbit is perfectly acceptable at her age.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 4118 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
abbycadabby
♀ 27428
Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm trying to go somewhere with this...

Did you ever tell LDR woman about taking the job with the hopes of rekindling your R?


Posts: 1321 | Registered: Feb 2010
Brandon808
♂ 35619
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Abby,
No, I didn't.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 4118 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
abbycadabby
♀ 27428
Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay.

I was going to say that I felt she might simply not have been ready for an R. It could be that she liked you. It could be that she wanted a friend and you filled that role. It could be that she wanted more but cut things off at the pass prematurely and intentionally out of fear. Idk her, idk her motives, and it's really useless to speculate.

So that leaves you. If you're being honest with yourself, why would you take a position that allowed for more mobility in the hopes of perhaps rekindling the R that had broken up months ago? Additionally, why would you go to the trouble of taking a job with the hopes of rekindling the R then never follow through with actually telling the LDR woman about it and seeing where things would go?

I guess where I'm going is, why would you give of yourself to someone who clearly wasn't interested?

I'm not trying to badger, I promise. You said you felt taking the job seemed a good idea at the time and you've only just recently had the realization that it was because of the mobility it afforded you. I don't expect that you knew back then why taking that job seemed like a good idea. But now that you've discovered the "why" I'm asking pointed questions to get you to think about what it is about you that would allow these things to have happened. Perhaps that level of awareness might prevent it from happening again?

(((Brandon)))

ETA: these questions don't in ANY way diminish the importance of your actually having the realization in the first place. I've told you before that your self-awareness is a good thing. You're awesome!

[This message edited by abbycadabby at 1:57 PM, June 4th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 1321 | Registered: Feb 2010
She11ybeanz
♀ 27457
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, being the center of your little girl's orbit is perfectly acceptable at her age.

Yeah...she is so cute right now. I was running with her in my jogging stroller in like close to 90 degree weather on Monday and all she did the whole time is raise her arm up and go "Crackas Crackas" (crackers) or "Watr Watr" (H20) and every time I put them back when she would say "All done" she would ask for them again! I was like....."Why yes your highness! Let me tend to your every whim while I die of heat stroke and try to get a 3 mile run in!"


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2732 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
Brandon808
♂ 35619
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Abby,
I'm not trying to badger, I promise.
No worries. I don't mind being pushed/challenged/questioned at all. It is a learning process for me here.

But now that you've discovered the "why" I'm asking pointed questions to get you to think about what it is about you that would allow these things to have happened.
That is the question, isn't it? What blinded me to that within myself? Kind of working that one still. When I was still in the M with my xww I suppressed what I wanted, what was best for me. I did that so much that I think (still not sure) I'm rusty/out-of-practice/downright blind to what I want for myself at times.

She11y,

"Why yes your highness! Let me tend to your every whim while I die of heat stroke and try to get a 3 mile run in!"
Ah, so you do get it


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 4118 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
abbycadabby
♀ 27428
Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I was still in the M with my xww I suppressed what I wanted, what was best for me.

Brandon, are you codependent?


Posts: 1321 | Registered: Feb 2010
Brandon808
♂ 35619
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Brandon, are you codependent?
Yes, I most certainly was. It got worse during the M. I recognize those patterns and have done a lot of work on myself to change that.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 4118 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
abbycadabby
♀ 27428
Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe this factors into this situation with LDR girl?

(((Brandon)))

[This message edited by abbycadabby at 3:50 PM, June 4th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 1321 | Registered: Feb 2010
Brandon808
♂ 35619
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Abby,
I'm sure that history has affected me. I can say with some confidence that our dynamic was not codependent.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 4118 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
abbycadabby
♀ 27428
Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh no. I wasn't suggesting that at all. But it might explain your taking the job.

I'm not saying anything definitively. Only questioning.


Posts: 1321 | Registered: Feb 2010
Topic Posts: 28
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