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motherof2kids posted 6/4/2014 10:04 AM

In the past month I've learned that the man I am dating cheated for most of our relationship. Me and this guy have been dating for almost 3 years! Most of the infidelity was an ongoing longterm affair with his ex girlfriend that he dated since his childhood. He also cheated with some girl he met at a bar which ended in a danger to my health and our unborn child as well as an iv drug user. Any women would of let him but I have a family to think about thus for that and other reasons I decided to try to forgive and stay to work this out. I'm currently 33 weeks pregnant with his first child and I already have a 4 year old who has an absent father and this man is all he knows! I just don't know how to get through this. I feel like I'm the last person on earth this man wants probably because there has been such a variety in the women he cheated with and the fact that some other the women were as I see them trashy. I also feel as if he emotionally cheated with his ex and the iv drug user being as though those two were long term affairs. These pregnancy hormones don't help emotionally either. Im feeling alone and unwanted even though he occasionally tells me he loves me and wants to be a better man to me especially for his unborn child. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

tushnurse posted 6/4/2014 10:46 AM

Welcome to the club you never wanted to join.
You will find tons of support here.
Up to your left there is a Library, read up in it. Many good things to help give you direction, and understanding.

There are also many threads in this Just Found out forum with bullseyes, read those.

Right now you need to protect your health, and that of your baby. Make that your priority right now. You can start to deal with the whole Affair thing and going down the road to R after you have this baby.

I would strongly recommend that you go file for CS for this new baby ASAP. If he has had multiple partners, and relationships God only knows who else is getting in line to get his support. Since you aren't married without this claim, in most states he has no legal obligation to care for his progeny.

Make sure you Dr is aware of your possible exposure to STD's, as he had sex with a IV drug user....You want to be sure you protect your baby if needed at time of delivery.

You need to figure out the absolutes you need to heal, and R. Make sure those are absolutely clear, concise, and have consequences if he chooses not to take you seriously.

Keep reading, Keep posting.

trynhard posted 6/4/2014 15:43 PM

tushnurse.. has perfect advise.

I think we must realize that not all people are loving or loyal. It is a given in life.

If you so choose, I know there are men in this world that will love you the way every woman should be loved.

Let me share what a good quality man will do..
He will give you a heartfelt apology.. more than one.
He will not fear you, but try his best to be most open.
He will seek help on his own to figure out why his sexuality overtakes his soul.
He might seek refuge in a faith.
He will stand up and with firm conviction, take care of a human he brought into this world no matter the consequence you give him or not.
He will begin to change on his own, without your demands. Perhaps when looking at a consequence.
He will be there when you need him.
He will work harder at his job to support his child.
He will not run.
He will accept your anger as consequences, not in defensive, but feel the shame.
He will be remorseful.
He will be far more giving to you now.
He will work on his own behavior to discover ways to improve.
He will with intent be far more transparent.

If not, then you get ready to accept a not so quality man. Accept his bad behaviors while feeling ok with that. You cannot tell a man these things. He must want to be this man on his own. His ego and pride might stand in his way; you must see it and decide on your own if you want to be with this. You must love yourself no matter the decision. You can conflict by asking, but force never solves it. It will never be your choice to make.

Love always hopes. It does not mean he won’t change quickly, you decide when. It can be worth the risk. The risk is perhaps more pain. Pain can only be temporary depending on YOU. But true peace is within you and nobody else. A decision to change is always worth the risk. Ignore your fears and take a chance when you are ready. It can lead to a far better happiness.

A given in life… life does not always go according to plan. Everything changes and ends. How you decide to handle these will bring you happiness.

We all face these givens in life too.. you are not alone. We face it too.


[This message edited by trynhard at 3:46 PM, June 4th (Wednesday)]

norabird posted 6/4/2014 22:22 PM

I am so sorry.

Even though you have a child and a new one coming...those are not good enough reasons to give him another chance. I think you know this. 'Occasional' remorse, when you are the mother of his unborn child? How pathetic. I'm angry on your behalf.

You don't have to make any decisions now but you don't have to try because of the children. Many, many members here hung in there because they had young kids. Often they regretted it when the relationship never improved and years later they were stuck in the same toxic marriage, when they could have been free years before. A four year old and an infant can get through a divorce and have it be their normal--the loss and transition are easier.

Of course only you know when you are done. And it is so overwhelming a t first, the natural reaction is to fight against the change and cling to the familiar. But you deserve much much better than this. And it's out there--the partner who would be faithful and a committed family man, or even just a calmer life without someone around who will only hurt you.

betrayedpregnant posted 6/4/2014 22:55 PM

Hi motherof2. I'm so sorry for the pain you're going through and the fact that you're going through it while you're pregnant. You are not alone. Here you will find a lot of caring people who will give you comfort and guidance. Please take care of yourself and make sure you eat even though you're not hungry, drink even though you're not thirsty, and TRY to rest even though i know you probably can't sleep. I went through this while i was pregnant as well, and i just gave birth 3 wks ago. I am disgusted that your SO could put you and the baby at risk for diseases. He is clearly a very selfish person. As I've been through this, I know it's very hard honey, so I'm praying for you so God gives you strength and guidance and wisdom to face whatever may come your way. Take care of yourself, and remember that little bundle you carry will love you at first sight and love you forever.

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