I keep running into walls. They are either perceived by me or erected my him. Do any of you deal with these?
1. He would prefer not to talk about the affair. He says he does talk about it for me and my healing but I get the face turned away, the arms crossed, the muttered responses. I feel like if I water board him enough he opens up. At that point his only option for relief is to talk about it. If we go a couple of days without talking about it his walls start to build again.
2. His knee jerk responses to me are "no" and "that's not true". I get these responses before there is time for consideration of what I am saying. I feel like it sets me up for a debate. Sometimes what I say is not true and sometimes it is but why do I have to "prove" what I say.
3. In the past (during his looong affair) I let him run away when he didn't want to talk about something. I thought I was showing some compassion for his feelings and accommodating the stress from his job(I am Reading co-d for dummies). I didn't know I was allowing him comfort in protecting his affair secret. So now I am conflicted in how to talk to him. I do get mean. I do call out the behaviors that bother me. I do bring up the past (some of the worst things he did) to remind him he hurt me and now I want some satisfaction from him. And I bang my head against a wall. His or mine, I don't know.
I feel like I am doing something wrong. Gentle and compassionate leave him protected behind his wall and persistent and abrasive get me what I need but I don't feel good about the method. Maybe I am asking for too much. Maybe I am not giving compassionate enough of a chance because of the past. I feel like I am dealing with this fragile scared boy whose actions caused so much destruction and damage that he must be treated as an adult even though he just wants to be held and told everything is going to be OK. Then I scream at him "what about me!!!!"
Holy Cow. This started rambling but I am going to put it out there.