"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

lost2012 posted 6/4/2014 10:22 AM

Hi. I am just wondering if anyone has some thoughts out there.There have been numerous incidents like this (too many to count). One of them is my exhusband wants me to buy my son a new bed. He's threatened me that he will go to his lawyer. I said okay. Now I find texts from him to my son, repeatedly asking "Has mom bought you a new bed yet?" So apparently my son went to the school counselor and told her his bed is too small. The bed is a Oak finish bunkbed with a twin mattress. He wants me to buy something nicer. This sounds alot like parental alientation to me.

sparkysable posted 6/4/2014 10:28 AM

There is nothing wrong with a perfectly good twin bed. It's not like he's sleeping on the floor, or a crib mattress for that matter. How old is your son?

If XH is so concerned with the bed, he can buy him a new one himself.

This seems more like a control issue than actual concern for the child's sleeping accomodations.

I'd be careful throwing around the parental alienation term though. He's definitely trying to play games with you and your son. He sound like an asshole.

lost2012 posted 6/4/2014 10:37 AM

My son is 12. He's a large 12 year old. I do not tell my XH anything about the term "parental alienation". I am looking at modifying the parenting agreement. After talking with this school counselor, it seems that he has done a few things of this nature. My other son came to her because I had taken away his cell phone. She told him to talk with his dad. His dad told our son I was wrong in my approach to taking away the phone. the counselor told his dad that we really need to be on the same page with things as our kids get older. An example of this would be asking why I took away the phone. since it was becasue he wasnt cleaning his room, he could have told his son to clean his room.

abbycadabby posted 6/4/2014 10:37 AM

This is a control issue.

I fail to see how a twin sized bed is insufficient for your DS' needs.

As far as EX's threats to tell his lawyer, a good response is, "do what you feel you need to do." Might have to repeat this multiple times. He's trying scare/bully/intimidate you with the threat of legal action. Take the power away from him- don't let his threats affect you.

Idk if it's parental alienation, but you could always ask your lawyer for guidance. Perhaps a cease and desist letter would be sufficient to stop your EX.

ETA: Document everything!! Keep detailed records with dates, times, etc.

(((lost2012 and DS)))

[This message edited by abbycadabby at 10:38 AM, June 4th (Wednesday)]

EvenKeel posted 6/4/2014 12:30 PM

An example of this would be asking why I took away the phone. since it was becasue he wasnt cleaning his room, he could have told his son to clean his room.

I doubt you will be able to change your ex (but wahoo if you can). I think I would deal more with your kiddos on this. Like the above thing. You do not have to answer to the school counselor or your X as to why you do what you do in your house. (Well....obviously unless someone is being harmed). But the phone thing is a simple "your house...your rules". Your kiddos will/are learning quickly to play sides. IE they don't like the bed....phone suspension...they are running to the counselor.
That will get old real quick.

I agree with the OP...this is a control issue. My ex didn't like it one bit when he realized he was losing control either and tried to "exercise" some of his own rules in my house. Ummmmm....nope. I had to explain to the kiddos about Dad's house has rules and my house has rules. Your children are old enough to understand that and obey the respective house rules.

Sidebar - bed....I know that was just your example versus a debate. However...don't military barracks still have single beds? Tell them if a soldier can fit...he can too! J/K. I did have to "upsize" my son's bed around that age. He was always a big kid so while he fit...it just wasn't enough room any more. Ditto for my car....he wasn't fitting in the backseat (height) without hitting his head.

However, that should be YOUR choice. Unless your Ex is going to foot the bill....I don't see how he gets input?

Kajem posted 6/4/2014 14:09 PM

The book 'Joint Custody With A Jerk'. Is a good place to start.

Learn to pick your battles, a lot of this stuff can be the kids creating a triangle where they tell you things dad said, and him things you've said. At some point it needs to stop!

K

ButterflyGirl posted 6/4/2014 14:32 PM

I have 100% proof my ex tried to alienate my kids from me (texts he sent DS10 calling me a fucking bitch, that I can't be trusted, that I'm lying, and ex kept trying to change the schedule through my son without asking me first, a HUGE no-no to involve the kids like that). I had every single legal item necessary to charge him with parental alienation EXCEPT that my children were actually harmed by it and he succeeded in alienating them from me. My ex did NOT succeed, and my children love the hell out of me, so I could not bring charges against him. His "attempts" to alienate me were not enough to charge him with anything..

I agree they threaten legal involvement all the time, and it's a bullying tactic rather than a true threat with any bite.

But, perhaps I am alienating my sons against my ex as they do NOT have beds at his apartment with OW, and I ask them every now and then if they've gotten beds yet. He has a 3-bedroom apartment, but doesn't have beds, and they sleep on the couches or the floor. I could probably get him in trouble for it, but whatever. My kids don't seem to mind the couch for now. (Nice to know OW having a bed is more important than his kids having one, asswipe).

I think it's dumb of your ex to ask that question on text message, leaving evidence of it. He shouldn't be THAT bothered by what's happening at YOUR house.. It's not like the twin bed has spikes on it

But my DS10 has also complained about the twin bed being too small for him, and he asked for a queen like mine. But I'm a tall girl (5'10"), and I put up with a twin bed until my college years. It isn't NECESSARY (just would be nice), so I would ignore your ex or tell him to shove it up his ass (well, maybe don't say that)..

Snapdragon posted 6/4/2014 15:14 PM

Your son went to the school couselor and said his bed it too small?

I'd be tempted to remove the bed! Want to complain about your bed? Fine. It's gone.

However, I'm sure you are more kind than I am.

When I was a teen I got rid of the bed frame and put the mattresses on the floor. I liked that much better. Would he like that?

7yrsflushed posted 6/4/2014 15:39 PM

I think I would deal more with your kiddos on this.

^^^This. Let your kids know that if THEY have questions about something going on in YOUR household they are free to ask you at any time. The only people that have a say about what goes on in your house are the people that live there. You will glady discuss any concerns they have but in the end you get the final say because you are their Mother and head of your household.

When they are at their Father's house they follow his rules but at your house they follow your rules. As for your XH, let him threaten all he wants. If he wants your son to have a new bed tell him to buy it for him or stfu. He no longer lives in your house so he has no say in the matter.

Helen of Troy posted 6/4/2014 15:40 PM

You don't have to provide a new bed. about the phone...I have to be careful here in my sitch because xwh likes to threaten court action saying I am "BLOCKING communication" You have to provide health care, shelter, food and clothing. You're fortunate in that these issues are tame. People who aren't parents or who don't understand say "just work together" uh with this asshole it is impossible plus there's a RO on him. Or they say "stop this Parental Alienation" yeah if only it were that easy. No one cares, no one is willing to step in and speak up to him. No one. He constantly involves the kids in adult issues and guess who gets blame me. I'm not the one doing it.

You're providing the necessities. He can piss off. Don't say that just repeat like broken record "do what you feel you need to do" or "I'm sorry you feel that way"

sparkysable posted 6/5/2014 13:09 PM

Your son went to the school couselor and said his bed it too small?
I'd be tempted to remove the bed! Want to complain about your bed? Fine. It's gone.

Oh this would totally be me. You think this bed is too small? How's this crib mattress then? You want small? I'll give you small.

dontknowwhyme posted 6/5/2014 15:08 PM

I would be upset if my son went to school and complained about his bed. Why would he do that?

As a side note. I had an old Army bed right up until I moved from my parents house to my new house when I was 25. I never once would have thought about complaining about my bed. Yeah it wasn't great but I thought it was cool because of its history.

And finally, if your X is so concerned about the bed tell him to buy him one.

lost2012 posted 6/6/2014 17:32 PM

Actually, I intend to buy him a bed after I sell the old one. I just don't like the bullying and threats.

osxgirl posted 6/6/2014 17:53 PM

You are buying him a new bed?

Oh, after him going to the counselor, I would so have to tell him that I had chosen the new bed I was getting him....

I wouldn't really GET that one, mind you.... just mess with him a while first.