And what's more, it makes it just that much harder for us WS's who are genuinely trying to R.
Any WS thinking of rekindling or continuing their A, please don't.
The process is so hard when you are genuinely trying. I still get things wrong all the time. And when I see/read/hear about WS "doing the right things" but still carrying on doing the wrong things, it makes my stomach turn.
[This message edited by Wayflost at 11:26 AM, June 4th (Wednesday)]
"If you don't eat the elephant in one bite, it might trample you while chewing"
ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)
I do not PM with Women
I'm not promoting false R obviously, I'm just saying that all of it is despicable.
I agree though---any WS who is thinking about breaking NC, or engaging in A behaviors---Don't! Post here, talk it out. We are here for you, and we understand.
"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."
On dday#2, I knew that he was deceiving me even though he was aware of the damage it would do to me, I was irrelevant, again.
Please don't give your SO another dday. If you can't face what you have done, if their pain is too much for you to bear, if you just cannot commit 100%, if you just don't love them, leave, just leave. It is kinder.
Have some compassion, it is a pain that no one should experience once and definitely not while trying to R.
To me it felt like the cruelest act. Watching my pain and inflicting it again.
Sorry if this was too harsh. This one kind of triggered me I guess.
I would now like to be known as Can!
dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
attempted R, it was all a lie
Seriously anyone considering continueing their A read about the devastation of TT. And then multiply 100 fold.
Yes. Could. Not. Be. More. Precise.
I think that most WSs do an awesome job of compartmentalizing and getting deeper and deeper into their dysfunction and darkness and despair.
There are some WS who will always be wayward. Or who haven't hit rock bottom yet. They are really darn good at continual compartmentalizing as the A continues. Sad.
Outtamymind, you're right to a degree. Its not as simple as "don't do it". But what has been the detox process? Has there been one? Do you *want* to give up the drug? Or is it too comfortable? What is the plan for sobriety?
"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne
[This message edited by SlowUptake at 12:23 AM, June 5th (Thursday)]
"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras
There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.
The moment I confessed and the whispered words 'I had an affair' tumbled out my mouth, I saw the pain in my husband's eyes. A part of him died in that moment and it will never be brought back to life. I may as well have taken a knife to my wrist because the life drained out of me and the realisation of what I'd done hit home.
I'm a wayward, I 'get' how it happens. I did it myself. But unremorseful waywards and false R? I can't relate to that at all.
I get things wrong, I'm not perfect and some of my old self still remains. Changing is a battle, a life long one. It's hard, I know because I'm doing it. Running off into the sunset to a land that has no mirrors would be easier... staying addicted, enjoying that high, being fed ego kibbles by the AP would all be easier and make me feel better (in the short term) But at the expense of my family? Not a chance in hell. I refuse to be that person anymore.
Waywards that create false R convince themselves that they can sustain the high. That they will feel that way forever. They have to, they have to believe it's true love and worth sacrificing everything for. Otherwise, what was the point? What kind of person does that make them? A monster. They can't face that. They can't look in the mirror.
I feel for anyone caught in the path of destruction that kind of selfishness and lack of self awareness leaves behind.
My Ddays - Jan 2010 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13
Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.
For some of us, false R wasn't the result of resuming the affair or going underground. It was because we couldn't stop thinking of the AP
Such a good (and scary) insight. I read your profile Outtamymind. Is that what happened with you?
I do know this was just me trying to not take full responsibility, and still trying to manipulate and control the situation.
so very true in my situation. When I decided to confess I came here and got so much support and thoughts on what and how to do this. I knew it was something I HAD to do, otherwise, I was taking a choice away from my husband. I was manipulating him into staying married to me. Don't be that person.
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”
Where I fell down, and continue to fall down, is in doing the work necessary to completely remove her from my thoughts. I guess if I'm still thinking about her and haven't done the work, then I never really wanted to stop thinking about her.
It is true that so many false reconciliations have fueled the belief that it makes no use to try...better to divorce. I was a vehement defender for Reconciliation until I found myself in a 3 year false reconciliation BIGTIME. She was his ally in hiding and jumping around
Anyway, I have no feelings or bond to him anymore other than legal...it is all on my terms. I am not a Divorce Dog however, I certainly know enough that there are specific behaviors one would associate with SINCERITY. If a WS is sincere in their efforts then I am 700% behind reconiciliation. Never break up a family if there is a chance...but how does one break up a family that is not intact? There are WS who learn the expected behaviors and actions and they go threw the motions but there is no sincerity inside of them. A narcissist for example. In the case of a narcissist WS I am 100% a divorce dog...and fast! hmmmm maybe a RABID divorce dog <smile>
I doubt that anyone humbled and damaged by infidelity would ever think divorce is "good"...it is not. it is bad bad bad. But being consumed with humiliation, degradation, and shame in a false reconciliation is so much worse. It is like the night of the living dead and the children are living in crazy land with no predictability, no structure, and certainly no love.
Sincere spouses who had a mess up...and UNUSUAL behavior from a special combination of events and circumstances...if sincere and focused on the damage THEY CAUSED....then I stand firmly on your side.
As for False Reconciliation...just spare us all and get a divorce. So much easier.
[This message edited by angerisme at 2:20 PM, June 7th (Saturday)]
I don't understand how a WS could look into the eyes of their BS. And continue an A. Working on R is so tremendously hard. That if I was not comitted to it I would leave. If I was not fully committed to healing myself there would be no possible way I would stay. It is actually quite sadistic to look your BS in the eyes, act the part, and not stop the A. Seriously anyone considering continueing their A read about the devastation of TT. And then multiply 100 fold.
This. A million times this. Once that first flamethrower burst of clarity cuts through the fog, rips off your skin and flesh like you've done to your beloved with your lies... I can't imagine what it would be like to be that person. If I do find out he's me, he's not going to be wasting oxygen much longer.