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Why talk? Well, why not?

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Yakamishi posted 6/4/2014 15:29 PM

Been thinking alot about the notion of talking about the affair. As a BS I need it. I want it. Almost like food or air. It's on my mind often and I feel I need to share my thoughts with my WW. I have stupid little questions that nag. I have feelings I need to vent.

But here's where the disparity is. WW doesn't like to talk about it. It makes her uncomfortable, makes her feel guilty. And possibly afraid that the wrong thing said might set me off into that "tunnel" that BS know so well.

So it got me to thinking: why? If you have two people that love each other and are hell bent on R, two people that have faced the worst in learning of the affair and the weeks/months following(Assuming TT has ended), why the two have such opposing views on discussing it.

Here's my theory:

BS- Has feelings of insecurity, anger, jealousy,fear of it happening again, fear of not knowing everything, fear of more lies. The BS feels that discussing A might put some of that anxiety to rest. Maybe we can vent our anger. Maybe we find out that small seemingly insignificant detail that may in fact completely change their perception. Maybe its just to tell WS their insecurities and to be assured...or RE-assured. All these discussions the BS hopes will lead to further understanding, better communication. And in doing so, hopefully lends itself to a deeper feeling of safety, feeling more assured of their WS's future fidelity and commitment.

WS- Has feelings of guilt, shame,remorse,fear of saying the wrong thing. . The WS doesn't want to relive what they already know. They already know everything. They know every secret. Every detail. Whats to know? Why go through all the sordidness? While in the "fog" it may have been "wonderful", but now the memory brings nothing but feelings of disgust and shame. What if the BS learns the one thing that finally pushed him over the edge to D. What if the BS learns of an act that totally disgusts them? Why would the WS relive the single most horribly moments of their life? After all...isn't the guilt they have enough? Whats to be gained when there is so much to lose? Can't we just..."move on"?

Two completely different sets of feelings. Two different view points. Two different ideas on what they "need" to recover. And it sucks. It's the very reason that TT exists. And it kills the already crippled trust and any future rebuilding of it.

In the end, (although as a BH I am admittedly biased), the reward outweighs the risk. I would tell you...if your BS hasn't left you over the initial discovery of the A, how much worse can the details be?

"You slept with him!?! OMG! How could you!? But....Ok, I think I can handle this. We should be able to work this out. BUT if I find out you did it doggie style... in latex... wearing handcuffs while a midget takes pictures in the corner....ALL bETS ARE off! We're done!!!"

Trust. It's worth talking about.

karmahappens posted 6/4/2014 15:38 PM

The WS needs to talk, uncomfortable or not. It is part of owning their shit and fixing what they have broken...

I would not want to R with a spouse who refused to help me heal.

jendo posted 6/4/2014 16:23 PM

I agree with all of this. I NEED to talk. I think some of it is that this person that we love more than anything had a "Secret life" with some mystery person that (at least in my case) I know very little about! It is weird to be so close to someone and know their whole history and yet have this large, recent piece missing. Yes, WS would like to forget it, but WE can't- that's not happening. I am thankful to have a WH who is willing to talk and answer my questions. I have asked a ton. I know it isn't always pleasant for him and he too has stated that he is afraid I will be done when I hear more and more, but really it makes me trust him more to hear him tell me truth.

rachelc posted 6/4/2014 16:31 PM

Ha - imagine the conversations at our house: I want to talk about both sides of of our affairs and he wants to talk about neither. It's a tricky dance of meeting both our needs. Right now, we're down to talking about it at MC only, which is once a month.
While I don't need to talk about the affairs, per se, I would like to talk about trust, commitment, what I think a marriage should be like, etc. about once a week. I would like to go to Retrouvaille. But alas, I think he's had enough talking about "us" for a lifetime.

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