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Piecing me together

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HerrTrubheit posted 6/4/2014 15:35 PM

It's been a week since DDay. For her anyway. My DDay came after, when she wrote me a letter that gave me some real idea of the pain I'd caused. I got pulled into a chasm of pain and bewilderment and loss and fear, the depths of which I've never felt. I know I'll never understand how she feels, but at least now I know the enormity of what I'd done. That was my day of discovery. Now I'm in to the trickle of tricky truth.

I don't know much anymore beyond the facts that I've hurt my wife terribly and that she loves me... more than I ever knew.

There's a whole shitload of stuff I thought I knew, of course. But hey, if I was that adept at deceit before, well, who's to say I wasn't just deceiving her? I was pretty adept at convincing myself of the "only a kiss" horseshit, that I was polyamorous by nature (in the same way that homosexual or gender-queer people are by nature and not by choice), that love is pure and right and good and in endless supply in the human heart. I convinced myself I was in love with two other women and, because love was somehow magically synergistic, this made me even more in love with my wife.

On top of that, I've convinced myself over the years that I'm a good person at the core, that I am essentially harmless and will do no evil, that I'm charming and intelligent and likable. That I'm a net positive. That my life in some small way is a benefit to the human race.

Everything is up for grabs now. And as I fall into a chasm of my own (and of my making) I know that it's a huge roadblock to reconciliation (R to you people... I fucking hate the alphabet soup this site uses as shorthand) that I'm going to have to explore, traverse, map, but eventually escape with professional guidance. But I'm terrified to get to know the person in there. If I step back and look at myself right now, I look like a completely egotistical douchebag.

authenticnow posted 6/4/2014 15:39 PM

Well, thanks for sharing and welcome to SI.

My question to you is, was your BW aware of your polyamorous nature before she married you?

I encourage you to keep sharing, and I think it's great that you're digging your heels in and trying to figure things out.

It's scary, but what's the other option? Deciding not to live with my head in the sand and facing my issues was the best and scariest thing I've had to do.

DrJekyll posted 6/4/2014 16:20 PM

I'm terrified to get to know the person in there. If I step back and look at myself right now, I look like a completely egotistical douchebag.

Wow this one hit home for me. I was afraid to drop the mask I had been wearing for all of those years. I thought, what if my wife doesn't like the real me, what if I don't like the real me. How could I possibly get by being an egotistical douchebag. Well I starting facing my fears (Lord only knows I have a lot of them) I started to take the time to get to know me. Heck I didn't even know what my favorite color was. I had to take a deep look at myself, and accept the fact that I was a douchebag, a liar, a cheater, and completely self-absorbed. It was a very hard realization for me. It made me want to climb deep inside myself. But I have accepted that was part of my past, I have accepted that I am capable of intense devastation. But I will not let that define me? I get to choose who I will become. I choose in the past for my own self-destruction. But I can now choose to heal, be honorable, be loyal, and be faithful. Every day is a choice. It is all of those little choices that we make that define us. So you can choose who the new you is going to be. And I found that to be very encouraging in my early days. Just my opinion

I can only encourage that you make sure to tell her the whole story up front. Do not downplay what you have done. From my experience,which it took me 2 months to tell the whole story and stop trying to "protect" her, The healing never starts until after the have the whole story. that is your healing and hers. You will need to be completely open with her. Once I had done that my healing finally started. My BS has said it was like a calm came over me, and she didn't feel rushed anymore. It could finally be about her.

Stick around
Hope the best for you

HerrTrubheit posted 6/4/2014 23:04 PM

@moderator-thanks for the welcome.

No I didn't think the word "polyamorous" about myself until recently, and wasn't comfortable with the idea until I read a book called [u]Opening Up[/U] in which I was introduced to the term "polyfidelity." It was anathema to me (made me feel decidedly... "icky" I reckon) to think of myself as a swinger, or as someone poly who fucks around with flings while the wife sits at home. I was interested in loving multiple women, but... Faithfully. I know that sounds weird now, probably highly offensive to the majority of people here, but that was the truth to me until recently.

As I said, I've got quite a road ahead of me.

authenticnow posted 6/5/2014 05:34 AM

I was interested in loving multiple women, but... Faithfully.
That has been discussed here and there are several members who fit that category. I'm not sure if they'll weigh in but infidelity in different situations is treated equally across the board (no pun intended) here.

familyfirst posted 6/5/2014 09:07 AM

There was a time it felt very natural for me to have feelings for AP, and I'm sure I would have responded that my heart had room for both him and H. But looking back now I can see my heart was pulling away from my H. I still loved him but it was becoming more of a friendship love while I was giving the passion side of my heart(?) to someone else.

Recognizing all the justifications are crap is painful, but a good step towards recovery.

HerrTrubheit posted 6/5/2014 11:49 AM

I'm extremely wary of any beliefs I've held right now. If my relationship with objective truth is really so fluid, if my convictions are so malleable I can reshape them at will, then it's entirely possible I came to believe in polyfidelity as an option solely to make it all seem alright. I still believe in it, the same as I believe in homosexuality and gender fluidity, because it's demonstrably right and true for the people for whom it's true (tautology FTW). But me? No idea.

I'm obviously a deeply flawed individual. I have issues I've never really dealt with - bullied rather a lot in high school, child of divorce (I think dad's on his sixth wife, probably his last as he's 83), a solid decade of psychotropic chemical use (the 90's? I remember hearing something about the 90's...), first marriage failed long before my ex finally cheated on me - but I thought I was doing OK. Sure, I might mope a bit, and maybe my temper HAD caused a bit of damage to my knucklebones, the walls, various computers, and other offending members of the inanimate world. Yeah, sometimes I couldn't shake the feeling that running my car into an overpass at 100mph might somehow be the right thing to do. But everyone feels like that at some point, right?

No one ever found happiness through self-denial. But FFS, do I really want to be myself? I'm spectacularly fractured, and putting all those pieces together seems like a horrible idea sometimes. But there's an incredible woman who really, really needs me to do this, and she's decided to stick with me despite the lies and betrayal. I can do it for her, and I hope that once the ball is rolling I'll be doing it for me too.

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