SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Betrayeduk posted 6/4/2014 16:03 PM

I started my relationship with my husband in October 2009. I knew that he had a son from a previous marriage, he had access every other weekend and on holidays. I was told I had to meet the ex-wife (I felt like it was a test) as she wanted to make sure the person her child would have contact with was suitable. I thought this was ok but had to endure a whole evening at this woman's house.

On many occasions my SS (to be at that point) would tell us how unhappy he was and that he thought his mum was having an affair. In October 2011 this was confirmed as his step dad found evidence of infidelity and left her. At this point my SS made the decision to come and live with his dad and me.

I married in September 2012. In November 2012 I started noticing that my husband was being very careful with his phone. On a trip away I knew I had seen a woman's name when he was telling me it was a man.

In February 2013 on a holiday abroad he was constantly on his phone and he maintained it was a mutual (female) friend who was going through a tough time. I accepted this.

In March 2013 I made the decision to look at his phone. I found texts between him and his ex wife which were disgusting. On three separate occasions I have found this. I confronted him and he denied everything. He participated in it because he was scared of her. etc.

In January this year I found more texts and at this point I walked out. Unfortunately, my weakness is my SS. I can't bring myself to leave and my husband uses this. I can't be the one who ends another marriage my SS has been part of.

I was promised there would be no contact between my husband and his ex that I wasn't told about. Well I now have proof there has been. On his work phone in msg recipients is her name. All incoming and outgoing texts have been deleted. I have no doubt he has contact with her on his own phone too - but I can't access that.

I am totally at breaking point. I don't want to hurt my SS by leaving. I also don't think he should have to suffer having parents who seem to have no respect for anyone.

Skan posted 6/4/2014 16:30 PM

Hello there and welcome. I'm so sorry that you had the reason to look for us, but I'm glad that you DID find us, for support.

With all compassion, you are not the reason that your SS has had to go through what he's been through, and, being that he seems very perceptive, what he will go through when your WHs A comes to light. That is completely all on your WH and his XW, the OW. His parents are who have screwed him (and you) over. Not you. Perhaps you might think about you showing your SS what healthy boundaries are, by enforcing them for yourself. How healthy people act when they are betrayed. Just think about it.

Meanwhile, please take a look at the upper left screen, in the yellow box, and click on The Healing Library. Start reading. Also, look in the first 3 pages of this forum for posts that have red "targets" next to them. Read the first page of those posts as well. This is all knowledge that you should have, because knowledge is power. Think of it as a pointer towards safe paths, when you're reeling on unstable ground.

Come back often for support. We're all here for you.

1Faith posted 6/4/2014 17:35 PM

Dear Betrayed

I am sorry you have found yourself here but want to let you know that we are all here. It is a safe place where people can relate.

We all have different circumstances but similar ones too.

Your SS is lucky to have you in his life. He is.

It is a pity that his parents can't see the pain and examples of marriage they are forming in his mind.

Why did your WH and the xW divorce? Was it due to infidelity?

You need to be in an honest, stable relationship. You can not fix your WH. He has to want to be a better person and he has to address his issues.

Right now, collect the evidence, seek an attorney to know your rights and start defining what you will and won't tolerate.

This isn't a game and he has to stop playing with people's lives.

One day at a time and know that we are here.

Hugs and prayers.

ZedLeppelin posted 6/4/2014 21:17 PM

It's not mutually exclusive. You can still leave your unfaithful husband, and still be in your stepson's life.

norabird posted 6/4/2014 22:14 PM

It is certainly hard to feel that you must either disrupt a young man's life or settle for a bad marriage. But I think you know that even the best intentions of providing a stable home are not worth sacrificing your own happiness for. And is a relationship with cheating really stable? Don't you think the SS will realize this and be devastated by it in a different way if you do stay?

Act with integrity and kindness, but do not sacrifice your own needs and what you deserve out of a desire to protect the SS. He will be okay. It is not your fault that the marriage is not staying together. You are not the guilty or responsible party. Give yourself permission to do what is right for you.

Betrayeduk posted 6/5/2014 01:54 AM

1Faith - I was always told by husband that his first marriage ended due to her infidelity and her unreasonable behaviour. I'm starting to think that they were as bad as each other.

I have to confess, in January I did lose my temper and sent XW messages on fb. It was fairly well controlled and laid out that I knew they had been "sexting" and that I couldn't believe she would risk hurting her son again. Oh, and that she must have issues to be prepared to be the OW. Never the woman men want to be with all the time or be the full time parent to children involved. She never responded.

My SS chose to spend Mother's Day with me 😕 I had encouraged him to be with his mother and was uncomfortable with the situation. But SS has some fairly big issues with his mother.

I banned the woman from entering our home in January. She always used to come in at handover - my SS goes every 3rd weekend and refuses to go more often. As an aside, in the nearly 3 years he has lived with us she has not contributed financially in any way. SS has no clothes or pyjamas at her house.

I naively thought after January that my husband would "choose" me. Really now all I have is that there have been texts. I don't know the content. If I confront husband he will say contact was about SS.

strengthandhope posted 6/5/2014 02:38 AM

I feel horrible you are in this situation. I do, but this is not your son! If things go so badly, and you can't be with H anymore, you have no rights to your SS....

You need to watch out for what is best for you. Hopefully SS has support in his blood family that can see him through.

The bond has been set, you love SS, but at the same time, if "they" deemed it necessary, you would never see him again! It seems so wrong, but those are the facts.

I wish you strength for YOURSELF in this manner and I hope things turn out well for you.

Betrayeduk posted 6/5/2014 03:23 AM

I know he's not my son. But he has said in the past that if his dad ever hurt me then he would not go back to his mother or be with his dad. He would stay with me. My SS turned 15 in May and I can believe that if things got bad and husband actually admitted to A then SS would not want to be with him. I know my rights are limited. But surely SS has rights too? Don't get me wrong, in all the hurt I have always encouraged the relationship between SS and his mother. SS knows she has hurt me in some way and defends me to the hilt. But I would never want him to not have his parents.