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Casual sex? Sure! But feel so empty....

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GrievingMommy posted 6/4/2014 23:12 PM

I've been out of a 2 year relationship for almost a year. I've been looking for a special someone but haven't had much luck.

In the last three months or so, I've turned to casual/FWB sex which I never thought I'd even consider. But, I'm a very affectionate person and also need the emotional connection for it to be truly full-filling. Obviously, as a casual sex arrangement, I'm not getting that - the regular just because communication with them, feeling special as I would with a SO, etc. And since I want a relationship (if I find the right guy), I tend to get attached easily so I have to be careful. Which I tend to fail at.

I'm really struggling. I just feel so empty and depressed. I know I'm worth way more than just for sex, but I can't find that special someone which just makes me more sad and lonely so the casual stuff is a confidence boost.

I'm very limited on where to meet people (won't get involved at work, etc) so mainly doing the OLD deal.

I know most will say stop all of that stuff.....and just be alone (with 5 yr old twins 90% of the time) and no sex. I don't think this is coming out right onto 'paper' from my brain! Ugh!

healingtree posted 6/4/2014 23:50 PM

Grieving,

I hear you! It is difficult. I am a very affectionate person too, and I totally desire to be touched and loved on. And I like to do that for someone else.

But I gotta say...a guy just left my house, just now. He was coming over to chat and catch up, and help me price a few things for a moving sale. I always thought he was good looking, and have been kinda attracted. We talked, we drank, we talked, and then he finally made a pass at me.

And even though I crave touch, I desire sex, and I thought he was attractive......it just wasn't there. KWIM? That fire, that passion, that desire, it just wasn't there.

So now I am back-pedaling and thinking...how do I say no? But the fact is....if I know it feels right, then it is right, and if I don't feel right about it, its not.

Maybe, as you go out and meet people, you should not focus on the casual sex, or any need you feel you might need to fill.

Be in the moment. Listen to your body and your heart. If you hear a resounding Yes! then go for it. But if any part of you says, hmmmm....not really thinking yeah, actually more of a no, then don't go any further.

I dated a guy for a little while, that when it came to lovin, "no" was not something I was thinking. We had chemistry, and though it didn't end up working out, there was no denying it.
The answer was yes, always.

If you are finding yourself being with someone who you don't feel that "yes" with....walk away.


Its not about whether you are having casual sex or not, its about whether you are listening to yourself.

Listen. You will know.

nowiknow23 posted 6/4/2014 23:56 PM

I'm not going to tell you what to do, but I am going to ask you to think about these two statements -

But, I'm a very affectionate person and also need the emotional connection for it to be truly full-filling.

I just feel so empty and depressed. I know I'm worth way more than just for sex, but I can't find that special someone which just makes me more sad and lonely so the casual stuff is a confidence boost.

Is it truly a confidence boost, or is it a temporary fix that ultimately leaves you feeling more depressed?

It sounds like you are snacking on empty calories when you are craving a real meal. ((((GrievingMommy))))

cmego posted 6/5/2014 05:58 AM

I am not a casual sex person at all. I know that about myself and I don't even try to go there. I will feel so bad afterwards.

On the flip side, I crave touch and sex. But, what I'm really craving is a relationship that brings touch and sex, not JUST touch and sex.

I have gone over a year between relationships several times now. I know that is just the deal. I do get lonely, which drives the "search", but I am very careful with hopping into anything casual. I just know that isn't for me and I get no "ego boost" from casual sex.

I've heard that getting massages will sometimes work if you are craving touch, and sometimes I just let my kids lay on me if I'm feeling that "off" feeling. Just feeling the snuggles from kids will cut off the need for touch for a little while.

Lonelygirl10 posted 6/5/2014 06:26 AM

I've been there, and I know how it feels. If it's been a while for me, I'll start craving to just be with a guy. Then I usually do it, and feel so much worse afterward. I think I'm craving love and affection, and I sometimes get that confused with touching and sex. They can be the same with the right person, but they can also be completely different with someone just casual.

I would say stop doing something casual, but I don't think that's what you want to hear.

allatsea posted 6/5/2014 07:12 AM

I'm doing the same thing. The casual sex does provide an esteem boost but it's short lived and ultimately you still come home to an empty house.

Nothing can replace the 'completeness' that I thought I had with my wife but it has given me an insight into the areas in which my wife was seriously inadequate. The ladies I've been fortunate enough to meet have shown me how unaffectionate and selfish my ex was. It has also given me the confidence that I will meet another woman in the future who will provide everything I deserve.

Don't feel bad about having a few causual flings or one night stands. Provided you are honest with your partners about not wanting a relationship then there is no harm done. At least you're not leading them on and causing hurt.

We all have needs and I am now far more confident and assured that I'm a catch.
The ex has given me up. I've met lots of ladies who think I'm lovely and are very complimentary. That's something I really needed to hear that after having my heart ripped out.

Hopefully I will stumble across a lady I want to be with on a permanent basis. Try before you buy.

SBB posted 6/5/2014 08:18 AM

IMHO casual sex is destructive for those who are seeking or need emotional connection. It can and will leave you feeling emptier than where you started.

I am someone who enjoys FWB arrangements. I don't need an emotional connection to enjoy sex. It doesn't fulfil an emotional need in me, only a physical one. I am not ready for an emotional connection and I don't crave it but I do crave sex.

I've had sex with the emotional connection and it is quite a different experience. The two are completely different forms of expression. I can enjoy both but only if I am OK emotionally. Touch is my main Love Language so it is something I have to be careful of.

Immediately after DD I embarked on casual sex to fulfil an emotional need and it was very damaging to me. It damaged my sexuality and my overall sense of self. I didn't realise or acknowledge it at the time and thought I was 'just' having sex.

I wasn't. I was trying to heal by force. The temporary confidence boost came with a huge tax.

I also went through a phase of false intimacy where I would behave in a way that indicated I was invested emotionally when I really wasn't. I was behaving like a girlfriend. I didn't realise I was doing it until I had hurt several guys unnecessarily. They were seeking emotional connection through sex.

The massage idea is a good one. I have been known to ask my sister to spoon with me and friends to hold me as I wept. I also cuddle the hell out of my girls.

She11ybeanz posted 6/5/2014 08:20 AM

I'm like you....I'm a single mommy of an almost 2 year old and I haven't been in a relationship for over 2 years now.... and its hard. I'm a very affectionate person as well and its difficult not having that touch and attention... but I'm willing to wait....even when its really hard to. I did the FWB thing ONCE when I was like 21... and eventually I fell into "wanting a relationship with him" but no vice versa.....and it hurt....and left me feeling worse about myself. I ended things as soon as I met my XWH and never looked back. I will never do a FWB situation again.....its not worth the emotional turmoil it puts my heart through ((BIGHUGZ))

Ready_to_run posted 6/5/2014 14:52 PM

Nothing leaves me feeling more empty and used than casual sex. Also, its just more baggage to take into the next relationship when the subject of past sex partners ultimately comes up. Hold out and wait for the best...don't cheapen yourself by giving it away so easily. You are worth more!

LineInTheSand posted 6/6/2014 22:53 PM

Hold out and wait for the best...don't cheapen yourself by giving it away so easily. You are worth more!

Priceless! Thanks, Ready, for stating this! I wholeheartedly agree with you. I now know I can't do the casual sex thing. I have to have an emotional connection with the guy...it's called "love" in my book, otherwise I wind up getting hurt.


I'm now waiting for the "best".

shiloe posted 6/7/2014 06:45 AM

Same here. I could never do the FWB thing. I would feel terrible about myself. I am just not wired that way.

Don't do anything that "hurts" you.

If it does not feel right, it most likely is not good for you.

Take care!

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