Unfortunately my job requires an extensive amount of travel however sometime in early march, business got a bit slow which meant I was able to spend some time at home during the week. (Typically I am away at least 3 nights a week) a few days into my time at home I began noticing that husband was texting nonstop. He's always been the type to keep his phone with him but his level of secrecy drastically increased. When I got close to his phone I could sebse that he was visibly uncomfortable. At some point he added a password (but I can't remember exactly when) he switched to a vibrate notification and turned off all noises or notifications. A few times I asked him who he was texting and he would tell me 'business partners' however I knew this was a lie. We would attend parties that he wanted to attend, I would look over across party and see him texting. I attended a training for his business, I look over and notice he's texting during the entire session. Definitely not business related texting. My suspicions regarding my husbands behabior where confirmed on 4/12/14. He took an unannounced and 'unplanned' 4.5 hour trip while I was out of town at a conference for HIS business. He was supposed to talk to me that morning however he ignored my text and attempted phone call. He turned off his phone around 3 pm and I didn't hear from him until 740 am Sunday morning. It's a long story so please read my post if you'd like more details. he claimed that he changed his plans when he woke up, headed to his destination and turned off phone because he needed to be free from distractions from me, his mother, friends and business partners. He felt he was fully entitled to worry people, go MIA, stay in luxurious hotels, all without telling his wife. He claimed he went alone but I know that was a lie. The following day he was telling me a story about the trop and said, 'we were walking around..blah blah blah' I said, who's we? He changed that to 'I' Ultimately, I decided to pretend I let it go so that I could take time to gather evidence and speak to a lawyer. I earn significantly more money than him and I wanted to know what to expect regarding my financial liabilities. We live in a no fault state so it doesn't matter if he cheated.
I began gathering information and I (easily) found multiple items that proved he had lied to me, I discovered thousands of texts between him and not one but 2 women. Texts would begin 6 am and last all day often until 1 am following night. He would often initiate the texting the following day. He was up until 1 am texting one of them on a night where he had texted me at 9 saying he was going to sleep. They've exchanged hundreds of photo/video messages, most sent early in morning or late at night. The earliest date I have record of texting is 3/2/14 for both of the women. Verizon only holds texts for 90 days.. The skank he texted at 1am is a 21 year old loser who works at a grocery store. Even more gross, he's known her since she was 12. When she turned 18, he met with her regarding his business. I can't help but wonder whether this has been going on since that meeting. The other skank is a 30 year old married woman who has a 2 year old kid. She is a coworker of his so the fact that they text all day when they are 20 ft apart is mind boggling. She's also obese, riddled with acne and just downright ugly. There is a third woman who he talks to on the phone for 40-60 min conversations. Ironically, in early April I asked him if he had spoken to this particular woman recently. He said he hadent texted her in months... Please read my post for the entire story, there is much more.
I have not told my husband that I have proof of the lying and affair(s.) I did had one slip up. I had a mental breakdown one morning when I checked phone records and saw he texted the 21 year old when he claimed he was going out for dinner that night with his buddies. The fact that he was actively planning a rendezvous, after promising he wasn't cheating made me lose my shit. I called him at work, told him an anonymous girl informed me that he was having an affair with a 21 year old girl named 'xyz'. Immediately he went into a RAGE. Screaming at me like I was one who was cheating. I simply asked if it was true, I instantly regretted it because all I did was tip him off to be more careful. He denied it, claimed he had not texted her in a month and that the only reason he ever talked to her was to give her advice on her shitty ex boyfriend and her overall incompetence in life. Oddly, he kept going on and on about how he felt 'so betrayed, how he trusted someone and how they went behind his back and did this to him' said stuff like, 'you can't trust anyone.' never once did he show remorse or even feel badly for me. He gave me a sad apology saying he was sorry for bringing the girl into his life... I made him Unfriend him on Facebook, he agreed and he also deleted her from Instagram and he blocked her # on cell and iPad. I'm sure he's using a fake Facebook or some cheating app to get around this inconvenience. He has a portable landline on him when he's at work so I'm sure he's using that as well. He is still texting the married woman, though not as much. He may have switched to talking on landline or just talking in person since they work in the same 'department' he's recently been reveuving photo messages and texts from the woman he was talking to on the phone. He's responding as well.. After we discussed the 21 year old I told him I wanted access to his phone, icloud, iPad and computer. He flat out refused. I tried compromising by having him show me his text and call logs, he refused. I let it go because I already knew what I needed to know.
Over years and again during this discussion he claimed that he would never cheat because he was cheated on before. He claimed he would end his relationship before he ever got intimate with another woman. At one point I was dumb enough to believe it. A few years back, we webt through a rough psych (lack of intimacy on his part and issues stemming from that) so I suggested couples counseling. He flat out refused, said he would NEVER go to couples or individual therapy, even if we were married. He blames this on the bad experience he had as a child when he went to therapy due to his mother and her AA requirements. He also said I was the crazy one and therefore the only one who required counseling.
Here is where I need advice: Given his reaction to my lie about the informant, I can't imagine how he will react when I finally confront him. I have gone back and forth in my mind about whether I even want to be with him. It's crazy the how much my decision swings from one extreme to the next. I made decision to see a therapist by myself so I can learn to accept this situation. I have my first appointment next week. Once I'm ready I plan to confront him, give him one chance for possibility of reconciliation but only if he does things on my terms. Counseling, complete transparency with his phone and devices. This will only matter if he shows true remorse for what he did to me, not for getting caught. I worry he will go into rage and just leave me, he will call me psycho, stalker, I feel so pathetic. Why do I care, why am I worried? My questions are, how do I come to terms with the possibility of him leaving? How should I go about the confrontation? What do I say? Do I show him my evidence? How do you trust again? Is it common for men to refuse to give complete transparency? If so, do they eventually agree? If he refuses to talk immediately, do I give him time to 'cool off' like he always wants to do (ie storm out) do I give him a few days? I appreciate anyone who takes the time to read my story. Thank you.
Why do I care, why am I worried?
You have good reason to be worried. Get all your ducks in a row before you confront him about anything.
Go see a lawyer, and orchestrate a complete plan to protect your assets and finances from him.
What do I say?
"Get out, and don't come back. I am going on with my life, WITHOUT you."
How do you trust again?
You don't. Not until he EARNS it. This may take years, or even decades.
Is it common for men to refuse to give complete transparency?
Let me put it this way. For both men and women, they give the complete transparency when they LOVE their spouses, and want to SAVE their marriages, and are not selfish people with lack of empathy for the hurt and devastation they have caused.
Far too many times, the WS just doesn't care. His "feel-good" moments are more important to him than the welfare of his wife and children.
If he refuses to talk immediately, do I give him time to 'cool off' like he always wants to do (ie storm out) do I give him a few days?
No. He has one option, and one option only. Quit the affair, NOW, and PERMANENTLY, in the next 30 minutes, and do not "storm out" like he has done in the past. Talk, NOW, or get out completely. Those are his choices.
If he is not willing to put his own fleshly lusts aside and seek restoration of your marriage NOW, then it is very doubtful that he cares enough to seek it over time, either.
[This message edited by tfkeel at 3:27 AM, June 5th (Thursday)]
See the counselor, grab more advice there - and from here - and be perfectly CALM when you confront your WH.
Get your ducks in a row on what you are demanding from him.
Dealing with a cheating partner is very painful. There will be TONS of ups and downs heading your way.
And full transparency? Probably not at first, but it may come if he commits to saving the relationship.
Good luck to you! Keep posting. Everyone will try to help you on your journey.
You have many questions, and most of them have to do with what to expect with his response, and how to deal with that.
He has already tipped you off that he is going to be defensive, and flip this around so that you are the crazy one, and he is doing nothing wrong. He may be so good at this, that you begin to doubt how f'd up the situation truly is.
It also sounds like he has a ton of FOO (family of origin) issues, that never was really dealt with, and is probably contributing to his brokenness. Know that no matter what he says his choices have nothing to do with how you look, act, think, or exist. It is all about him not being able to be happy with who he is, and a need for constant approval, and ego kibbles from others, probably because his mom never was able to given she was a drunk.
I say be prepared, as much as possible. See the Attorney, find out what options you have to protect yourself financially, is D or S a better bet. Have papers drawn up so when you do confront there will be no opportunity for wiggle room from him. Be prepared for him to storm out and not listen. Be prepared for him to blame, accuse, and behave like a general ass.
Be prepared for him to refuse to give you transparency, stating he has a right to privacy (which he does not). That he can't stay with someone who doesn't trust him (which you can't, and even if he ends up accepting all this, and starts to do the work of R won't happen for a long time).
Know that you are smart, strong, capable, and able to have a full complete life without him, or any other man. That you can be happy just being you. That you are able to demand what you need to have a full and complete life, and if he can't give it you will not waste your life, your happiness, and your good years on him.
Know that no matter what happens at confrontation that this is painful, and it's gonnna hurt like hell. Know that you will have to grieve no matter what. Grieve the loss of the M you believed you had, Grieve the loss H you thought you had. Always knowing the above.
Keep reading, keep posting.
And then this asshat has a raging fit when you call him out on his sleazy behavior?
Seriously Blue. TFKeel hit the nail on the head. Get to a lawyer and PROTECT YOUR ASSETS. He's there for the free and easy ride and wants to live the single life while you're out working hard putting his sorry ass on easy street. Maybe if he actually spent more time bettering himself with college courses or had more ambition to work harder to advance himself at his current position, maybe he wouldn't HAVE all this time on his hands to be such a lothario.
I'm sorry but I don't know how you're going to see 'true remorse' from him when he's openly and blatantly disrespecting you day after day after day after day - AND screaming at you when you call him on his shit. Where is this remorse supposed to come from? He's completely self-serving and self-entitled and believes he can do whatever the hell he wants - while you put his sorry ass on easy street.
I'd boot him out the door so fast I'd have to FedEx his shadow to him the next day.
Please read TFKeels post about 2,000 times - then read it 2,000 MORE times.
Good luck to you.
Hugs to you, and welcome!
[This message edited by confused615 at 12:00 PM, June 5th (Thursday)]
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.