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Hope of the Devastated

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JW123 posted 6/5/2014 02:34 AM

I joined SI many years ago believing that I would never ever survive and am back to encourage those who feel the same today. It is going to be hard but you will survive and live again!

Looking back, I just saw hopelessness. So many here gave me support and I just wanted the pain to go. I wanted him to choose ME and not my friend (Double Betrayal), I suffered false R, his moving in with her and our divorce (He is still living with her). I went through all the emotions - a damn rollercoaster of serious proportion - nuclear at times, depressed at others. I hated that advice "give it TIME", "TIME will heal", "TIME" - I did not want TIME, I wanted an immediate cure.

I reluctantly began to work on ME - note the word reluctant. I went to IC, I discovered who I was, I joined a "Divorce Care" group. I got laid off forcing me to find a new job (best thing for me although I did not see it as that at the time) and gradually started living again. I embraced my children and focused on us and did a lot of DIY (on a budget) at home. I did not want any relationship - I trusted no one. I kept reading stories here and drew support from so many of those who were in the same situation as I.

Having been on my own for about two years, I started chatting with an ex colleague who had been through the same infidelity CRAP as all on this site are only too familiar with. We both distrusted everyone - but through writing to each other we were able to open up again and vent. As he worked in another country, I felt safe that he could not just arrive on my doorstep (I had serious relationship issues). Fast forward - we are now engaged and we have the most amazing relationship, built on trust and it feels GOOD. We are taking it slow and focus on communication.

As for the WWH - he is still a massive thorn in my side, especially since I got engaged, and even MORE SO since all my children really get on with my fiancé. He still argues about child support and throws curved balls at me but I NO LONGER RESPOND - not even a sound no matter what he says - I will NOT rise to the bait and live in the gutter with him. My older children see it for what it is now. I laugh and remind myself that if he is so very happy with OW then he would not have reason to keep stabbing at me. My children have opted not to spend nights at OW's house and report that when the go during the day (every alternate weekend) that she ignores them. I know I am healing as I really don't care about them being together now or how long it will last etc. Good luck to the two of them. I value ME and in so doing I have a fiancé who values me.

Sure there are things I would have done differently, I wish I had walked away when pregnant and not fought for him. But at least I know that I did everything possible to save the marriage.

So while I so feel for those of you on this forum and wish to God that you are not living this life changing nightmare, know that there is hope, and coming from me who never believed I would survive, trust me, THERE is hope but you have to give it TIME and climb this mountain of pain until you reach the top and see the real view and what lies ahead and not in the past!

betrayedpregnant posted 6/5/2014 04:43 AM

thank you thank you for that uplifting message of hope

OakStreet posted 6/5/2014 05:48 AM

Yes, JW!

Thank you very much for your posting!

yearsofpain25 posted 6/5/2014 05:50 AM

Great post. Thank you for sharing and congrats on your engagement and new relationship. Exciting!

justinpaintoday posted 6/5/2014 07:34 AM

So nice to read. Thank you

bravegirl19 posted 6/5/2014 11:13 AM

Thank you for posting, you are right. I am only a week and a half after DDay and I'm still just trying to get through the day. I'm also 91/2 mo pregnant with our baby, and not sure how I'm going to get through all of this. You post is inspirational, and I will just need to be patient that TIME will help heal my heart….thanks again

Didact posted 6/5/2014 12:08 PM


Thank you. Seriously.

JW123 posted 6/5/2014 14:14 PM

No thanks needed, I just have it on my heart to let you know that you can and will survive. Even on the darkest day, just know that there is hope and to reach in, love yourself and reach out to the folk here....oh and give it TIME (Never thought I would be saying that!)

Bravegirl19 - I so feel your pain. I get really really angry that you are in this when expecting your first baby. DAMN this whole adultery thing. All I can say, is focus on you, because if you are in a good place then your unborn baby can and will thrive. Keep calm and focus on the miracle you carry. Do you have a support system? Also get an attorney now prior to the birth - empower yourself and know that you are going to do a damn fine job in bringing this child into the world. As I write this, I am watching my youngest who I was pregnant with when my world blew up, he is fast asleep and he is a fine boy who brought a lot of smiles to my face in the dark days and who along with his siblings, still does! Be brave and be strong - it is about YOU now.

MissWhoKnew posted 6/5/2014 19:18 PM

You will never understand what your message meant to me today! I won't bog this down with details, but to say this is the last place I ever saw myself visiting and even posting, I cannot even tell how out of my reality it was.

I have been slowly learning nothing in life is a given. The people you know, love and marry can change before your eyes and you seem to be the last one to know.

I am left wondering one day to the next how I will survive the pain. My SIL told me to get a counselor right away to begin therapy. I have only had two sessions, but she is right. We need that objective third party to hear our story and then give it to us straight.

Gr8Lady posted 6/5/2014 20:41 PM

Congratulations on your engagement.

So gracious of you to take the time to inspire those that are still encountering difficult times.

One of the most profound advice you shared, was that you began to work on yourself. That is key. The only person we have the power to change is ourself.

So happy you have found a new future.

JW123 posted 6/6/2014 01:24 AM

Time to Grow Up: It is a horrible place to be in, especially as it is a place we were thrown into without a choice. HOWEVER - yes, the only thing we can change is ourselves. I spent so much time trying to change WH and focusing on him. Through this site and IC I started to focus on me. It was a shock to discover that I did not even know what my passions were in life. I realised I had lost ME in all of this. So kicking and fighting and hating the situation would do nothing for ME. It was what it was. My IC told me to keep a smile diary on the fridge and to write up a thing that I had smiled at during the day. At first there was little and I had to LOOK for things to smile at...then it started filling up :). I liken it to a massive wound, it can heal but the scar will always be there but it does not have to affect the body. LOL - again, when others here told me similar stuff, I did not want to believe it. Now I can recommend their advice

I don't focus too much on WH - although he is still full of nonsense - I have NC with him at all. I have a separate email address set up just for him to use to contact me, that way I CONTROL when I want to read it and he cant be bugging me on my normal email address

I have a very supportive fiancé who take NO nonsense from WH and has told him that directly, in fact he told him that when he (WH) went out ""mining"" he found a fake diamond, and tossed the real ones out and that he (my fiancé) came across the biggest treasures in his live and will guard it with all he has. Really got to WH that when he said "treasures" he meant my children as well.

So breathe, get out and about even if you DONT want to, and make an effort to STOP those self doubt thoughts from coming in - visualise a massive STOP SIGN in your mind when they hit I now smile when I see a real stop sign in the traffic!

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