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stungbytravel posted 6/5/2014 12:05 PM

I am trying to figure out how to handle something. I am getting mixed opinions from my local friends and you all have always been so helpful to me and I hope you will be again.

My new beginning - I have been seeing a man for about 4 months. We have not had "the talk" about being in a committed relationship. I care about him but have been taking it slowly. I haven’t been dating other men but he doesn’t know that. I am not sure his situation; however, I get the impression he is not either, but also is content to take things slowly. I have met his kids and parents and have gone on a mini-family vacation with him. I know I know what this says.

My Dilemma - We had an incident where we were at a bar and he left abruptly even though we came together. And by abruptly I mean he did not tell me he was leaving. I just turned around and he was gone. I had driven so he did not leave me without transportation. I did not intentionally make him jealous but something tells me he became jealous

I tried to contact him that night and the next day. I got one text back last night that said something about not being in the mood to talk. I am ok giving him his space but should I consider us over from his terms? I am doing my own analysis about whether I even want to be dating a person who would do this but really do not want to walk away unless I know what happened. As a friend pointed out it may not have been anything related to me. We normally text or talk several times a day and until yesterday I had gotten a “Good Morning” text every day.

Should I text him again and just say “I care about you and hope we can talk about what happened”. Someone said this comes off like I am a doormat and saying his behavior is acceptable. Someone else said this isn’t doormat, it’s just saying I do not want us to be over. OR should I just assume we are over? Any and all advice appreciated including those 2x4’s?

[This message edited by stungbytravel at 12:06 PM, June 5th (Thursday)]

She11ybeanz posted 6/5/2014 12:09 PM

You said there was an incident? Did something happen at the bar to make him want to leave? Why would you assume he got jealous? Just trying to get more info on the situation....

norabird posted 6/5/2014 12:16 PM

I would not want to be with someone who could do this no matter how great other things were. I'm sorry, but you know this is a huge red flag. Better to cut your losses.

stungbytravel posted 6/5/2014 12:19 PM


The incident is him leaving abruptly. However what caused it I can only speculate. Its a dance bar where we take lessons and stay around after to dance with each other and other partners. I got asked by him and another guy to go dance at the same time. I chose him but he got all weird and sent me off with the other guy. The other guy is almost 20 years my senior. When I came back he was gone. The other guy doesn't look that old but I have never expressed any interest in him other than dancing. I am a friendly person in general though. I did not flirt with him by my standards just to clarify.

cmego posted 6/5/2014 12:20 PM

Is he…by any chance….a BS??

stungbytravel posted 6/5/2014 12:21 PM

I would not want to be with someone who could do this no matter how great other things were. I'm sorry, but you know this is a huge red flag. Better to cut your losses.

I am considering this but I struggle because I do not know what happened

norabird posted 6/5/2014 12:21 PM

I do not care what type of 'reason' he thinks he has. Those types of dance studios of course involve dancing with different people! You did nothing wrong and he decided to punish you by disappearing? Incredibly controlling and selfish behavior. This guy has no coping methods, clearly. Maybe he triggered over some past issues but, you know, he can't punish you for that, which is what he is doing. Do you want to tiptoe on eggshells with someone, because that's what staying with someone so jealous and incapable of communication would be like.

[This message edited by norabird at 12:22 PM, June 5th (Thursday)]

stungbytravel posted 6/5/2014 12:23 PM

Is he…by any chance….a BS??

Not an admitted one but somethings he has said about his marriage ending and how quickly the ex picked up a new man make me wonder.

Does this change the analysis? Now that it has been raised. Being a BS, I know how hurtful any suspicions could be and I have actually brought some forward to him. A woman flirting too much with him in my presense.

Should I contact him again or let it lie?

norabird posted 6/5/2014 12:26 PM

To me, even if he is a BS, that does not mean he gets a free pass. You are not his ex. You were not inappropriately flirting. Maybe he just isn't healed and ready to date. Certainly he treated you disrespectfully by disappearing and going incommunicado. Nothing in his past justifies that treatment; even if he is dealing with residual issues, those are on him, and you should not suffer for it.

sparkysable posted 6/5/2014 12:27 PM

I got asked by him and another guy to go dance at the same time. I chose him but he got all weird and sent me off with the other guy.
so you chose him, he sent you off with the other guy, and then got mad at you and stormed out and won't talk to you now? Honey, I'd be letting the door hit him in the ass on the way out. If this is just a glimpse of how it's going to be with him, you are dodging a bullet. BS or no BS, it is no excuse. You chose him, he told you to dance with the other guy.

You deserve someone who isn't going to play games or be passive aggressive.

stungbytravel posted 6/5/2014 12:31 PM

To me, even if he is a BS, that does not mean he gets a free pass. You are not his ex. You were not inappropriately flirting. Maybe he just isn't healed and ready to date. Certainly he treated you disrespectfully by disappearing and going incommunicado. Nothing in his past justifies that treatment; even if he is dealing with residual issues, those are on him, and you should not suffer for it
.

Agreed but we all trigger sometimes and I know I would like to be given a second chance if I did. In fact he has given me one. His behavior was wrong no doubt but he is worth me giving him an opportunity to explain if he wants it. However, I know that when I triggered I reached out and explained. He hasn't done that.

getnbtr1 posted 6/5/2014 12:33 PM

Well, all of these discussions are assumptions about what is going on with him. Without speaking with him, you really have no idea what this was all about, or where things stand. I, too, would want to know what happened, at the very least for some type of closure if the relationship is indeed over. I hope you get the answers you need. If he is unwilling to talk to you, that would be weird and even mean to do to you.

norabird posted 6/5/2014 12:35 PM

The issue isn't that he triggered (if he did)--it's his reaction. And his reaction IMHO does not need a second chance. He has to learn to manage his behavior and if he can't be mature and reach out, then don't do the work for him.

little turtle posted 6/5/2014 12:37 PM

When did this happen? Tuesday? And he hasn't talked to you since, except to say he's not in the mood to talk??

I get that you want to know what happened from his point of view, but I think you should consider it over. He said he's not in the mood to talk. Let him contact you next. You can make a decision after you talk with him next about what you want to do. However, I think it's pretty clear that you deserve better than this. There's no excuse to justify his behavior as acceptable.

stungbytravel posted 6/5/2014 12:38 PM

getnbtr1 - you are correct. I do not know but he isn't sharing.

I do not know if I should send the text being a little vulnerable and letting him know I care and want to see what happened. His answer might be enough to tell me just what everyone else is saying - Run, Run faster and then run faster away from this man. :) I want the explanation

stungbytravel posted 6/5/2014 12:40 PM


Yes it was Tuesday. Most of my friends say let him come to you. There are a few that say let him know his actions did not end it on your part so that he knows he can come to you.

No12turn2 posted 6/5/2014 12:41 PM

Yeah, I see this as a jealousy test that you failed in his eyes. Time to move on IMO. He may end up to be one of those super controlling types and no one deserves to be a prisoner in a relationship.

I'll bet you if he did talk to you about it, it wasn't abrupt in his eyes. He'll probably say he has been noticing this other guy look at you and you've been sending him signals, blah, blah, blah. No sense of security based on the details I've been given. Who wants a man with no confidence or trust in their partner?

If he is a BS, he has some healing to do. You can have consideration for his triggers IF YOU KNOW ABOUT THEM. Being tested like this and given no explanation is childish.

[This message edited by No12turn2 at 12:44 PM, June 5th (Thursday)]

little turtle posted 6/5/2014 12:43 PM

His answer might be enough to tell me just what everyone else is saying - run

What is his current action telling you to do??

He knows you care about him. You've already reached out to him. Tuesday night. and yesterday.

Crescita posted 6/5/2014 12:43 PM

I know that when I triggered I reached out and explained. He hasn't done that.

You don't really have anything to work with if he refuses to communicate. He messed up. If he figures that out on his own, hear him out, but if he comes back around to blame you for his behavior this won't be an isolated incident.

stungbytravel posted 6/5/2014 12:51 PM

Ok it sounds like everyone so far in in consensus with me just sitting back and waiting.

I have plans tonight, Saturday night and Sunday afternoon with other friends so that should be good. He has his kids starting sometime today until Tuesday morning so he is going to have a distraction so if I do not hear from him before about 5, I do not think I will until next week.

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