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Past the 180

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knockeddown posted 6/5/2014 16:51 PM

The 180 was great for me for the first 12 weeks. I am now at the point at which I can peacefully and cordially speak to my STBXW about divorce proceedings and cooperating in the divorce (so that we don't pay and arm and a leg).

This goes against the grain of what people say FILE and NEVER LET THEM KNOW ITS COMING. I think that involves hanging onto the anger that I want to let go. I have been like a healing machine lately and I feel that I am ready to free myself of the anger. This is a spiritual hurdle for me and I feel it is in my best interest for me to follow what's right for me in my situation.

It makes sense for someone to throw the divorce at his or her WS in the case that they want to save their marriage. I am realizing that mine is not worth saving. I look at her now--out of my own fog--and see how much of an unappealing person she is to me (feel free to read my profile to get a sense of her character/integrity). She has been a piece of work that I could never satisfy. I do not want to save my marriage--I want out of it.

I read on here that it can be co-dependent if you are in communication with your STBX beyond kids and behavior is rooted in the notion that one cannot survive without the nurturance from another. I am not getting any nurturance from her by calmly discussing our divorce. I am replacing my anger with forgiveness and moving forward with my life.

brokenblackbird posted 6/5/2014 17:01 PM

Good for you!

We all have to find our own way, our own path to surviving infidelity. While there are often a lot of generalities (File first and don't let'em know what hit them!), there is a lot of support for people discovering their own path.

Happy for you!

bravegirl19 posted 6/5/2014 19:11 PM


I completely respect your feelings and understand as I have just started what you did months ago. Against the advice of my friends and family, I have been civil and calm with my WH (even though he doesn't deserve it.) Everyone wants me to be mean and cut him out of our upcoming baby's life, but I just can't. I know it's wrong and not in the best interest of me or the baby. It's important for me to keep my integrity and be able to look back on this later and be proud of how I handled it. I may have to co-parent with this horrible STBXH, and I want to set the tone now that we can handle logistics and baby decisions via email without getting emotional about what has happened. The thought of seeing or talking to him makes me sick (so I'm not where you are….yet) but your post gives me hope that some day I too can discuss our son/daughter in a kind way.

You are my role model! I'm glad you have made peace with the end of your marriage, I'm on that road also…can't wait for more time to go by.

Skan posted 6/6/2014 14:09 PM

When you write from a place of utter calm. When you can regard your STB former spouse with indifference and dis-interest, you have achieved a place of peace and strength. If the two of you can negotiate a divorce together, that takes into account the needs of your child, then I think that you are doing very well indeed.

FWIT, my XH (1st marriage, this is my 2nd) and I, once we came to the realization that we needed to divorce, very calmly and openly discussed what each of us needed, how we wanted to proceed, and did our own property split together. Our lawyer basically just advised us what paperwork we needed to file and then represented us in front of the judge. If you can manage to do this, to split up your marriage with the least amount of fuss, money, and stress, then I think that you're doing much better than most.

tushnurse posted 6/6/2014 15:09 PM

Yes if you can both calmly and effectively communicate and get the job done, without manipulation, and fighting, then go for it.

Unfortunately healing takes place at different rates, and a lot of, if not most of the time, One or the other in a divorcing couple chooses to fight, be mena, place blame, and not cooperate, and for those that are in a situation like that.....180 is smart.

Congrats on your healing. It aint easy.

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