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Well, by my topic title, I think I know the answer. But, here it goes anyways.

Me: Yeah, can you beleive he was cheating on me?

Friend: I thought you knew.

Me: I had an idea, but no proof.

Friend: I didn't want to get involved.

Mutual "friend" worked at the bar with him....

Mutual friend is no longer a mutual friend. I'm sorry.

You know, this is so tricky for people. It's awkward and uncomfortable all around. I've got some distance and I can understand why people don't want to involve themselves in other's relationships.

With my ex, there were people who knew and enabled (e.g. the cousin who paid for them to go on vacation together so I wouldn't' see the info on the credit cards) and those that just "knew" but didn't know what to do. The former, cut out of my life, the latter - some I've stayed friends with and others we have drifted.

That's the thing about infidelity - it destroys more than the marriage - it often shatters surrounding relationships. There are some mutual friends that he kept, others I did, but still a large group that disappeared from our lives all together.

Bye bye 'friend.' I'd be downright insulted. To 'friend': "You mean that you thought I was okay with that kind of behavior?! What kind of person do you think I am!"

I look at this the same way hurtbs does. My former neighbor (who is a good friend) knew some of the goings-on but did not tell me because at that point I was adament about reconciling and making it work. Didn't turn out that way, and I don't blame her one bit for not getting involved. She was a shoulder to cry on, and that was wonderful.

[This message edited by Sad in AZ at 6:51 PM, June 5th, 2014 (Thursday)]

I am very adamant. Anyone who knew and didn't feel the need to let me know is dead to me.

No way I would be friends with anyone who knew and didn't tell me. Your "friend" took the easy way out for herself. That is not a true friend.

WH went on guys trip in late December to Vegas and planned a meet up with OW. He had her crash the guys weekend so she met our mutual friends a good month before I had any clue. So sad to think he not only was so selfish to have her join them, but she was important enough to show off so early on.

I am very adamant. Anyone who knew and didn't feel the need to let me know is dead to me.

Ditto.

One of my very close friends (her whole family is friends with my whole family) knew, and didn't tell me. THAT one HURT. It was like another D-day for me. And, now I don't associate with her. That SUCKED.

But I was fine with dropping tons of "acquaintances." I slaughtered my Facebook of anyone I wasn't sure if I could trust. I needed a fresh start. I ended up unfriending some people that did NOT know and ended up taking MY side, and they were pretty offended I didn't realize that. But they were understanding that I was cocooning myself from further pain and finding out just how freaking naive I had been.. I didn't want to go asking people, but I appreciated anyone who heard about things after d-day and reached out to support me and tell me they had no idea. THOSE were the first people I finally started letting myself trust again. You can't keep the walls up forever..

But Liberty, you CANNOT trust this friend anymore. You don't have to hate on her, but you just don't surround yourself with people that don't have your back.

I don't just have "girl code." I have "betrayed code." I don't give a shit if I involve myself in other people's relationships. If I feel one partner is being manipulated or treated unfairly, ESPECIALLY CHEATING, I make sure that person knows the facts that I do. NO ONE deserves to be played, so you have to at least give them a heads up.

I don't think this "friend" must have considered you a very close "friend" if she didn't try to discuss his infidelity with you or help you out at all when she "thought you knew." I think she's lying and selfish and covering her own butt. She obviously didn't want to support you when you were going through the roughest time in your life, and you don't need "friends" like that.. Especially if they had knowledge of the very thing causing you so much suffering.

It hurts losing a friend like this, but keep reaching out and I promise you will find new ones...

I think I went by what happened after the affair was exposed. Those who handed me the pieces of my broken heart - I kept. Those who stood nearby watching others help me - I sidelined the friendship to acquaintance. The ones who turned away at my pain - I ditched.

The one thing infidelity does is teaches you who your real friends are.

K

My WH's boss knew. I thought we were mutual friends wrong...... He still works there and we are still married today