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Newest Member: Winstonsmith (46000)

User Topic: Ever feel like....
Myname
♂ 23138
Member # 23138
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Destroying all your stuff? Like taking a sledge hammer and smashing everything in sight in some psychotic fit of rage.

Or taking something expensive and putting it out at the road with a sign that says free.

I've felt like doing stuff like that since d-day and for the first year did break stuff just for the sake of breaking something. I've been feeling like destroying everything a lot lately though.


DD: 1-14-09 EA/PA OM #1
TT: 5-11&12-09
DD#2: 5-18-09 EA OM #2
5-31-09: Told me she hasn't loved me.
No kids
Me BH: 38
12-08-10: S

Posts: 3156 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Inside your computer.
nutmegkitty
♀ 33882
Member # 33882
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I have felt like that.

But, more importantly, MyName, it's good to see you. I've been thinking about you and wondering how you are, I am glad you posted, I hope you are ok.


me (BS)
him (NPD Ex)
2 dds
DDay 10/7/11
OW
OC

Divorced 1/17/2013

"Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend, freedom is."


Posts: 2624 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: MA
Myname
♂ 23138
Member # 23138
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Nutmegkitty.

I've missed my SI peeps. I've been busy with work mostly.


DD: 1-14-09 EA/PA OM #1
TT: 5-11&12-09
DD#2: 5-18-09 EA OM #2
5-31-09: Told me she hasn't loved me.
No kids
Me BH: 38
12-08-10: S

Posts: 3156 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Inside your computer.
lieshurt
♀ 14003
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I only wanted to destroy stuff when I was married and that was just to release the anger. After divorce, I wanted to purge myself of our marital belongings so that I could start anew. New life, new attitude, new stuff


A relationship without trust is like a car without gas. You can stay in it all you want, but it won't go anywhere.

Posts: 13878 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
tryingagain74
♀ 33698
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had a really fun bonfire when I moved out... that was incredibly cathartic.

There were times when I thought about destroying certain things, but I didn't bother because I knew I'd only feel good in the moment and then annoyed with myself afterwards, especially if it was something that required cleaning up!

I mostly felt like lieshurt-- I enjoyed leaving the martial home and all of the literal baggage it came with-- our martial bed, wedding china, all of the things that were symbols of our dead relationship. I didn't care what he did with them. I loved taking the few things with me that didn't have any emotional weight and starting anew.


FBS; now happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3659 | Registered: Oct 2011
heartbroken_kk
♀ 22722
Member # 22722
Default  Posted: 10:31 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Myname! [waves]

Yes, I have felt like that. I did break some stuff including some things I really regret that only hurt me and didn't make me feel any better.

Sometimes stress just builds up. It begs for a release of the pressure. Now would be a good time for you to increase doing some of your better coping mechanisms, like exercise, or perhaps a session with your counselor.

Work really helps keep you busy and away from some destructive stuff but also when you push down feelings and are too "busy" to process them they can pop up unexpectedly.

I hope you are doing better these days. Got any awesome photos of your gardens? I loved those.


BW then 46, STBXWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life.
D-Day 1 1999, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... 2009 thru 2011.

Separated, divorcing, moving on.
I edit because I always make typos.


Posts: 1252 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: California
Amazonia
♀ 32810
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 4:52 AM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not destroying things, but I do tend to give stuff away. My reactive gut is always to leave - that's how I keep ending up on different continents.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13925 | Registered: Jul 2011
SBB
♀ 35229
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 6:05 AM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I threw out/donated anything and everything that triggered me. I burned what I could and smashed a few things but now there's nothing left to destroy!

So now I clean the bejesus out of things. Rage cleaning is awesome.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5731 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Kajem
♀ 36134
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 6:13 AM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Break things? Logs- I split a lot of wood. Best the heck out of a tree trunk with nerf bat. Plates have that nice thunky-shattering sound but leave a mess. Breaking them in a box didn't have that satisfaction factor. Bonfire was nice a time or two.

Freecycle is always fun... I did a lot of "curb alerts"!


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5729 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Ann124
♀ 29289
Member # 29289
Default  Posted: 6:29 AM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't have a "psychotic fit" of sorts but when I was packing the marital home up before moving myself out ... I carefully packed the things I was taking and either donated to goodwill or stood out in the long driveway to the house and shattered things that I didn't want to take and didn't want to leave behind for XWH.

In fact, X and I were in the garage at one point and there were dishes on a shelve. I didn't want them and I started smashing them into the trash can. He said wait I could use thoughs ... I kept smashing them. It felt great!


Posts: 387 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Back Home ... And feeling Great!!
Myname
♂ 23138
Member # 23138
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometimes stress just builds up. It begs for a release of the pressure. Now would be a good time for you to increase doing some of your better coping mechanisms, like exercise, or perhaps a session with your counselor.

Work really helps keep you busy and away from some destructive stuff but also when you push down feelings and are too "busy" to process them they can pop up unexpectedly.

I think that the wanting to destroy my stuff is another form of self punishment for me. In my head I'm thinking I don't deserve anything good in my life and if I have something nice I want to get rid of it.

The self hatred builds up and this is just another way of hurting myself. Just not physically hurting myself.

I do use work as an escape. And even make myself do the hardest job or stay late when I have people that work for me.

I guess my issue is that I have a lot of self hatred and anger towards myself.


DD: 1-14-09 EA/PA OM #1
TT: 5-11&12-09
DD#2: 5-18-09 EA OM #2
5-31-09: Told me she hasn't loved me.
No kids
Me BH: 38
12-08-10: S

Posts: 3156 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Inside your computer.
norabird
♀ 42092
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe you could channel the desire to get rid of stuff, which is coming from a bad place at the moment, into doing it to free yourself? Let the stuff represent how unworthy you feel you are, let it represent bad feelings about yourself; and by getting rid of it, release the feelings that you've transferred to the objects.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4232 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Myname
♂ 23138
Member # 23138
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Norabird,
To be specific I'm not talking about breaking some old worthless thing from the basement. I've been thinking of taking a sledge hammer to my truck or my motorcycle. Or smashing my laptop. Or a sledgehammer to everything in my house.

The stuff I want to give away is all my money. Or telling all my clients they don't have to pay their bill this month.

Most of this stuff doesn't represent WW or the A. I already got rid of all that stuff a long time ago.


DD: 1-14-09 EA/PA OM #1
TT: 5-11&12-09
DD#2: 5-18-09 EA OM #2
5-31-09: Told me she hasn't loved me.
No kids
Me BH: 38
12-08-10: S

Posts: 3156 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Inside your computer.
sparkysable
♀ 3703
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been thinking of taking a sledge hammer to my truck or my motorcycle. Or smashing my laptop. Or a sledgehammer to everything in my house.
The stuff I want to give away is all my money. Or telling all my clients they don't have to pay their bill this month.

Most of this stuff doesn't represent WW or the A. I already got rid of all that stuff a long time ago.


Um, no. This is crazy talk. What's going on? People don't give away money, or smash trucks or motorcycles.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3556 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
TrustedHer
♂ 23328
Member # 23328
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Myname,

I'm going to go out on a limb here.

I bet you haven't done anything about getting divorced yet.

Fear of actually moving on to the next step in your life is keeping you trapped in the situation you're in now. Trapped is not a good thing. It leads to "Things are bad, they're never going to get better, why care about myself, my things, my future?"

I wish I could get you to counseling. I wish I could get you to a counselor who had just the right words to help you move forward. I wish I had simple answers to give you.

I can't do that. But you can.

I believe you have made progress in the years since you came to SI. It's been slow. If you look back, the biggest steps were the steps forward: Accepting your separation, moving, starting your business, getting into counseling. Even the too-soon, too-unhealed relationship you started was at least reaching out to others.

After you smash your motorcycle (a source of pride and joy), then what? What's the gain? Why is hour with a sledgehammer better than an hour building yourself a water feature? Or staring in a mirror and saying affirmations to yourself? "I am strong. I am a hard worker. I am an artist. I can be successful at anything I set my mind to. I am loveable." All of those are true; we've seen that here from what you've written.

Or an hour writing a bucket list. What experiences do you want to have in the next 10 years? Places to see. Things to try. People to meet. Goals to achieve. Paintings/drawings/sculptures to make.

What have you done to help others, without hurting yourself? Are there local charities that need a helping hand? Not just landscaping, but handing out blankets or sandwiches to the homeless, cooking and serving in a soup kitchen, processing donations at a food bank, helping maintain order at a charity fun run or organized bike ride?

Life is movement. Life is not stasis. Merriam-Webster says life is "the ability to grow, change, etc., that separates plants and animals from things like water or rocks"

Be alive. We all want you to be alive.


Take care of yourself. There's a great future out there. It won't come to you; you have to go to it.

Posts: 5215 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
kwash
13957
Member # 13957
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think this feeling is common among those considering suicide. Be good to yourself Myname and please keep posting here.

Posts: 2194 | Registered: Mar 2007
Myname
♂ 23138
Member # 23138
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TH, I'm not D yet.

So yes I feel very stuck.

I was going to IC for about a year. I liked my IC. I thought we clicked well. I just felt like we got to a point where everything was talked about and it was time to take action but I wasn't ready for that. I told IC that but still felt stuck for the next few sessions. I stopped going about 2 months ago using the excuse of "I'm busy with work. "


DD: 1-14-09 EA/PA OM #1
TT: 5-11&12-09
DD#2: 5-18-09 EA OM #2
5-31-09: Told me she hasn't loved me.
No kids
Me BH: 38
12-08-10: S

Posts: 3156 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Inside your computer.
Myname
♂ 23138
Member # 23138
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think this feeling is common among those considering suicide.

Just to say I'm not seriously considering suicide. I don't want to scare people here. I'm not happy obviously. I don't care about myself at all and wouldn't care if I died but I don't have some kind of plan in place to kill myself. Although I think if I got hurt and would die without help I wouldn't get help.


DD: 1-14-09 EA/PA OM #1
TT: 5-11&12-09
DD#2: 5-18-09 EA OM #2
5-31-09: Told me she hasn't loved me.
No kids
Me BH: 38
12-08-10: S

Posts: 3156 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Inside your computer.
heartbroken_kk
♀ 22722
Member # 22722
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Myname)))

You are worthy. YOU are worthy. You ARE worthy. You are WORTHY. You are worthy of a good life, with good things, and good people. You are worthy of good work, a good paycheck. You are worthy of being a good leader, a boss, a businessman. You are worthy of having good friends, and a good relationship. You are worthy of love.

You ARE.

Please get yourself back on the phone to your counselor to make an appointment. Or if you don't want to go back to that particular counselor, try a new one. I went through four different counselors before I found the one I've been with for the last three years. She's awesome and has helped me find happiness. And the sessions I had with the various counselors on the way to her all helped me with something where I was stuck.

We care about you, because you are worth it.


BW then 46, STBXWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life.
D-Day 1 1999, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... 2009 thru 2011.

Separated, divorcing, moving on.
I edit because I always make typos.


Posts: 1252 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: California
cayc
♀ 21964
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know someone who recently did this. Destroyed something of value that he currently cannot afford to replace for much the same reason as you gave for wanting to destroy things like your car or motorcycle.

He hurt himself when he did this. And then that damage managed to compound every other problem he has.

You are not backed into a corner. You can choose which path to take (destroy or not). So think about the consequences, are those enough to stop you?

(((myname)))


"I'm not afraid of storms, for I'm learning how to sail my ship." - Louisa May Alcott

Posts: 3198 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
Topic Posts: 20

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