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Newest Member: terriblysorry (61534)

User Topic: Do I Stay or do I go ??
♀ 43580
Member # 43580
Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I noticed my WH distancing himself while struggling with turning 50. I was going through menopause and fighting some depression at the time. This started in late 2009.

We went to Las Vegas for our 25th anniversary in summer of 2010. WH did not want sex...odd I thought. When we got back home I looked at our cell phone bill and noticed a number several times. When I asked him about it he said it must be someone from work. At that time he used his personal phone for work, as his work Blackberry only had email capabilities.

Fast forward to June 2011. My husband went out one night to meet the guys at the bar to watch the Stanley Cup. I had been having that nagging feeling more and more that something was not right. I again pulled up our cell phone bill and low and behold...there was page after page after page of their texts. No picture texts and no phone calls. I reversed search the number and paid for the report. A female, 28 yrs old.

When he got home I confronted him. His "story" was she was "just a friend" and was calling him about problems with her boyfriend, which was close friends with my husband. I demanded he stop. He agreed and only a couple of texts came after that.

Now at the end of 2012 I start again having that weird feeling. Even though he is staying home more than ever and we are trying to do more things together. I check the phone bill in May 2013 and notice there are several calls at night to numbers I'm not familiar with.

What I finally figured out by the beginning of August 2013 was that my husband had been going to a local strip club after bowling or poker or golf. The phone number that showed up so often back in 2010 turned out to be a stripper at that club. She is half his age. He said that he could go there and talk with her and she would listen to his problems. He was also heavily drinking at this time. DUI in November 2011.

We talked and he promised no more contact with her at all. He asked if he could stop and say hi to the bartender and the manager (male) of the club, as they had all become friends. I told him I didn't even want him within miles of the property. He agreed.

We had been working on things and our sex life had really taken off. More sex than our early years of marriage. Doing more things together. Long story short, one stripper hit the stripper he always went to talk to. Charges were filed. The manager of the club called my husband after lunch on that Friday 3/28, as a detective wanted to ask him some questions about it.

We were at my brothers family's house April 19th for Easter. As I was still having that weird feeling; while my WH was gone golfing, he left his personal and work phone in the nightstand of the guestroom. I had watched him get into the work phone during the week so I would know the password. While looking through his work phone I looked at the camera and tapped on the little square in the corner to see pictures taken. WOW!! There for me to see was this young stripper with a dildo in her ass and a vibrator on her clit, masturbating for him. There were some other selfies with her sexy underwear and bra on and him in his tighty whities.

My husband denied being in those pictures until I sent him a copy of the text where I had sent a text to this stripper (you bet I knew the number) and she said yes he was at the club and they were in a back room. She was pretty up front that she talks to older well to do men that are stress from work and home life. I told her the pictures were pretty sexual in nature.

To be honest, she was very forthcoming and said that yes they were and she does those so the men have something of the sexual fantasy to take with them. She apologized for causing problems in my family and said she never thought about these type of ramifications. She said they have never had intercourse, as she does not see him in that way, and she does not f**k men for money. Play sexual fantasies yes, but that is it. I explained to her it is my husband's fault and only his, I do not blame her. There was no intercourse, but really does that matter at this point??

I fought with my WH today about why he would see her again if things were going so good between us. After much badgering and badgering and badgering, he got mad and said because the manager bought them shots after the detective left on the fight complaint. He did it because he wanted to. She took his work phone and ran to the back. He had paid for a'dancers drink' for her.While I know my husband can be a hothead and doesn't think about how hurtful the things he says can be (until way after the fact) cut deep.

Do any WH's have any insight on this for me. I know there had to be an EA at one time in the past. From everything I can check the texting has not continued. Well this always be a temptation for him??

Me:BW 52, Him:WH 57
DS 27, DD 25; Dday: 4/19/14
Married: 30 years
Reconcile: A work in progress...
Dday: 4/2014 TT for over a year.
You're not alone in how you've been, everybody loses we all got bruises

Posts: 37 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Land of Oz
♀ 40306
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 10:34 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To be honest, she was very forthcoming and said that yes they were and she does those so the men have something of the sexual fantasy to take with them. She apologized for causing problems in my family and said she never thought about these type of ramifications. She said they have never had intercourse, as she does not see him in that way, and she does not f**k men for money. Play sexual fantasies yes, but that is it. I explained to her it is my husband's fault and only his, I do not blame her. There was no intercourse, but really does that matter at this point??

Welcome to SI. I'm sorry your here.


The majority of this part of your post seems to be laden heavily with denial. I don't know your husband, but I don't believe for one second he hasn't had sex with that girl. And that business she gave you sounds like it was from a script.

Please take care of yourself. Get tested for STDs, insist your WH does the same and gives you the printouts of the results.

They do this because something inside of them is broken. It's nothing you did or didn't do. It's them.

Is he remorseful at all?

Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 M - 22 Years
D-day: 7/2013; D filed 7/2014; Divorced 7-27-16
...the WS affair starts off in a dreamland where everything is all Golly, Wow! and Meant To Be! and Soul Mates drop from the trees to frolic in the mist. -devotedman

Posts: 5600 | Registered: Aug 2013
♂ 35989
Member # 35989
Default  Posted: 11:15 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That sounds really tough.

There was no intercourse, but really does that matter at this point??

It does not. An affair without intercourse is called an emotional affair (EA). They are just as damaging as those with intercourse (a physical affair, or PA). There is a loss of trust, a huge blow to self esteem, and just a lot of not fun feelings associated with this.

I agree that there is probably a lot more about your wayward husband (WH) that you are not yet aware of. He seems very secretive and, unfortunately, around these parts that pretty much guarantees that there is more to the story.

There will be wiser folks than I along in a while to offer you advice, but for now check out "The Healing Library", a link at the upper left hand corner of this site. Focus on something called the 180. It is about building a stronger you and preparing you to really take action.

[This message edited by saturnpatrick at 11:17 PM, June 5th (Thursday)]

I edit.

Posts: 222 | Registered: Jun 2012
♀ 39139
Member # 39139
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry that you find yourself here. There is no reason for you to decide today, or tomorrow, or even next week what you need to do. If you don't have a therapist, find someone who can help you sort out the trauma that you are experiencing. Take care of yourself and give yourself the space you need to figure out what you want.

Me: BS 46
Him: unimportant
D Day:4-27-13
DIVORCED!!! 2-20-14

Posts: 978 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: BFE
♀ 35812
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi there. Welcome to the most supportive place that you hoped to never find yourself at. I'm glad that you found us for help.

You need not decide one single thing right now. Not one. You don't have to decide to stay or to go. You can simply say that you're not actively divorcing today. And you can keep saying that until you know what is best for you. Take care of yourself. Eat. Stay hydrated. Rest when you can. If you find that you can't keep food down, buy yourself some whole nutrition drinks like Ensure and sip them a bit at a time.

Please take a look in the upper left corner, in the yellow box, and click on The Healing Library. Start reading. Read the first page of every post in the first three pages of this forum, that have a red "target" next to them. These are all good bits of knowledge that will help you in the next few days and months.

And no matter if your WH actually had sex with any of these OW or not, it was an affair, it was sexual in nature, and it was ALL his fault. However, frankly, I would not trust one word out of his mouth and I would make an appointment with a doctor for a full STD/HIV screening. I would also strongly advise you to not have any sexual contact with him until he does the same AND you have seen the official results (or gotten a call) directly from the doctor's office. You cannot trust that he hasn't had contact with an OW and it can be as indirect as deeply kissing someone who makes a living going down on strangers. So protect yourself and your health.

I am so very sorry. Please come back often to vent. We're all here for you. (((hugs)))

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012

Posts: 10067 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
♀ 38121
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 6:20 AM, June 7th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh boy. Your husband is one of those pitiful men who go to strip clubs and obsess with the working girls. I've always seen that as so pitifully desperate and sad. Most of these guys wouldn't think twice about spending every penny they have on these girls, and the girls know it and play them for everything they're worth.

You have a clear history of years of this pitiful behavior with him.

I hate to say it, but aside from a sudden dwindling of sexual desire in a marriage, the other classic sign of your spouse being in an affair is a marked increase in sexual activity, which you say has happened. There's a reason for it and it's not a good one.

Lastly, the stripper you called is looking out for number #1. She obviously KNOWS that married men spending money on her for her time and 'services' are her bread and butter, so she's NOT going to rat them out to their wives. You had pictures from her so she couldn't deny them and had to acknowledge them, that's obvious. However, you didn't have any more evidence than that, so that's ALL she was going to admit to. If he's a steady source of income, she's not about to shoot herself in the foot by coming clean about it to you.

I hate to say it, but she's not first and won't be the last stripper he becomes infatuated with. He's been doing this for years.

Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 6327 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 6

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