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Just why?

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stunnedmullet posted 6/5/2014 21:46 PM

Why did he do this to me and the life we shared?
Why did he end the marriage by having an affair and now I have to choose whether to save it or not?
Why do I have to live with this pain regardless of whether I stay or go?
Why do I have to be the one that breaks up the family if I decide I can't move past what he did?
Why wasn't what we had enough when he has always been all I ever wanted and needed?
Why do seemingly innocent things trigger me so I am rendered useless for the rest of the day?
Why is all I can think about is the two of them together?
Why do I have to be strong for my kids when all I really want to do is end my pain?
Why has my life turned into this?
Why does it freaking hurt so so much?
Why do I keep feeling like the pain is getting worse each day?
Why did he have to hurt me so much?
Why didn't I mean anything to him?
Why did he bring her into our marriage?
Why do I feel sick in the pit of my stomach every minute of every day?
Why did he give her what was ours?
Why can't I just escape what is now the rest of my life?
Why can't I be stronger instead of this emotional wreck?
Why do I have to endure this hurt?
Why can't a truck just knock me over so I can stop hurting without my kids having the stigma of a mum that wasn't strong enough?
Why does seeing someone that looks similar to her in the shops mean I can't breathe and I just want to curl up and cry?
Why do my kids have to put up with a mum that can barely function on a day to day basis?
Why can't I stop this hurt?
Why did this happen to my life?
Just why?

Sorry just need to get this out. Can't see my psych for another 5 days

PricklePatch posted 6/5/2014 23:33 PM

Because he was a self entitled as what. You deserve better. Hugs!

BlackHorse posted 6/5/2014 23:46 PM

When she and I were together - we would talk about how special what we had was. About how rare it was and how lucky we had been that we found it after the turmoil of both our individual lives prior to us meeting and falling in love - especially at our age - both in our fifties.

When the two of us were together - we were like two young people just starting our lives - with all the time in the world ahead of us.

I never felt so much love for a woman - never felt so complete inside - never felt so optimistic about a future that may not be as bright as it could have been.

It was so special ...

... but all that was torn away - and I am not sure she even understands what was lost in the long-run.

She phoned me tonight long distance asking for my assistance - and after I gave it - we parted again to lead our own individual lives once more - as though we never met.

Now I am back at square one - asking many of the questions you yourself asked above in your discussion.

It will be a very difficult night for me as I lay in the bed we once shared. Her new life is shiny and bright - mine is tattered and torn.

Please be strong for yourself and your precious children. I was from a broken home myself - I know how much your children need you right now.

Regards - BlackHorse.

JW123 posted 6/6/2014 01:39 AM

Why, why why why....

It can drive you crazy and it will if you let it. I am so sorry for your pain which is so raw. I too had so many questions and the "whys" consumed me and nearly drove me mad. Some of the answers to the "whys" also lead to more questions. Know you are normal.

You will never understand the logic and the whys and this may sound hard but you need to eventually block those "whys" when they hit you and replace it with "He has failed himself and I am worth more" or something like that and repeat it every single time a "why" hits you.

Nothing makes sense right now, I get that. You are on a rollercoaster. Read stories here, speak about it, but NEVER let this detract from who you are as a person, you are worth more than letting infidelity steal YOU too.

You are climbing a mountain right now - there are lots of fellow mountain climbers along the same damn path and I am here to tell you that one day, you will get to the top and you will see it all from above, breathe and see a new future ahead of you. You don't see it now but it is there.

Katz13 posted 6/6/2014 08:03 AM

Stunned mullet,
You will get great advice here. I am almost 6 months out from Dday so like you the whys are my shadow on a daily basis. As a fellow mom, I just a advise that you put yourself and your children above anything else. Do the things you wanted to do for yourself but never got a chance to do. For example , I always put off exercising because I wanted my husband to come home to a sit down meal with the family. Well that bit me in the a$$ too. So now I exercise when I want and he can figure out what to do on those evenings. I also neglected friends to spend time with him. I always wanted to stay at a beach resort. I booked this vacation with a friend to coincide with my Dday anti-versary. I just figured this time next year, regardless of him, I don't want to be the same person. Someone on here posted that the thought "I can leave at any time" helped them through the daily pain. It helps me too. I wish you and your children all the best. Keep posting.

Notwhoithought posted 6/6/2014 08:47 AM

Stunned mullet---
I don't have much to offer as far as answers to those questions since they are pretty much word for word what has been running through my mind daily since DD. Maybe, if possible, write some of them out and have WS answer them?

Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.
You are strong even though you may not feel strong. Sometimes good enough is good enough. If that means providing the basics for your kids because you don't have anything to give for the "extras" that day, that is ok. If it means a night of ice cream for dinner or popping in a movie for them to watch so you can take a bath or read or do something you enjoy--everyone will be fine. A hug and a kiss and knowing that you love them can go far. I bet you are functioning better than you give yourself credit for.

It is like being on an airplane and they tell you to put the oxygen mask on yourself before helping your child/ren. Take care of yourself and it will naturally help the children. No, I am not saying focus only on yourself and neglect them. What I am saying to give yourself permission to focus on you a little bit and to take care of yourself.

During my IC , I said that it just wasn't fair. My WS had killed our marriage and I had to deal with the fallout of all his selfish choices and the effects of the Affair on myself and our child. My IC simply stated that "life isn't fair". It hurt me to think about it like that but it hit home. Life is not fair and all I can do is move forward with the broken pieces and make decisions that put me and my child first.

You've got this stunnedmullet. Day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute but you've got this.

norabird posted 6/6/2014 09:11 AM


There is no good answer. Eventually, you really will stop asking. For now, it's normal to be consumed and obsessed by this thought. It hurts so much, but it's a stage--it will pass. I wish I could take some of the hurt and turmoil and confusion away from you. But know you have been heard, that you are not alone, and that you deserved much better. Let yourself feel everything that comes to the surface and, as hard as it is, trust to time.

Sending peace and strength your way. I hope you can feel it.

wewillmakeit posted 6/6/2014 18:19 PM

My priest's answer, when I posed that question bout my wife's infidelity was "because humans are weak". At the time I was too disconsolate to appreciate the simplicity and insightfulness of his answer. We are all weak and it is manifested in many - unfair - ways.

heme posted 6/6/2014 19:18 PM


Because people can be very hurtful and selfish. You probably will never understand. Just remember its their selfishness.

Do you keep a journal? I have one that I keep (not even my WH knows i have it, its somewhere I go to put down my most private thoughts) and write in when things get to be to much. Its fulled with questions that might never get answered but it helps me to get them out.

callmesteph posted 6/6/2014 19:21 PM

Stunmellet.....know that EVERY BS feels & shares these same sentiment and questions of why that you've asked, including myself. It is soooo unfair loyal wives, all we have done is bend over backwards & sacrifice for our career, children, family and husbands. We all put their needs above ours while we nurture & upkeep our household. We thought our M was good so was our husbands....we thought they would never hurt /betray us in the worse way possible. So when Dday came, it turned our world upside down and spin our head like nothing else could.

We thought we were the lucky one...we thought we were enough.....we thought we were so happy and blessed and special and (some) the "perfect couple." When that bubble bursted, we, unfortunately only felt the opposite and every despicable emotion imaginable.

Their awful actions of betrayal have changed us, our feelings about people and the world, how we interact with others, how we feel about the every chores and joys of life. It numbs and dulls everything we see and touch. It completely destroy the perception of what a good M we thought we had.

They did this to us and never thought about the consequences of their actions. The one and only person whom we thought would always have our back....stabbed us a million times over and twisted that knife thru our hearts. It feels like death would be preferred over this this slow, lingering, torturing, tormenting pain, sadness, bitterness & despair that betrayal brings.

In my case, extreme selfishness and a sense of entitlement were his main downfall. I believe all the ego stroking, cake eating, secretcy, curiousity (we were each other's first love), boredom, etc contributed to the "high" while he was in the affair. He said he always loved me and never intended to leave the M, yet he was able to sickly compartmentalized it all for over 2 yrs.

It appears in your case that it involved just one AP. Mine involved 2 other APs and a handful of escorts. Your H at least had the guilty conscious which I wish my H had to end the A instead of me discovering out body cringes everytime I think about his A & how he was able to lie to me for so long!

R is a long and difficult road. We are the strong one, just like before, that has to be the mortal that holds the bricks together because of our WSes weakness and brokenness.

Some of the whys may never be fully answered and some may lingered in our heads for a long time to come. I've come to accept the reality that this is my new life...full of confusion, uncertainty, sadness, bitterness.....but I have come to realize that we ourselves control our own happiness and destiny. I will turn the lemons I receive into sweet lemonade to drink and savor and live life to the fullest and not let his betrayal consume me. It has made me a stronger person and
I will survive and make my M better than it ever was.

I hope you find peace and tranquility in this turbulent journey ahead.....

betrayedpregnant posted 6/6/2014 20:22 PM

i asked the same questions.

stunnedmullet posted 6/6/2014 22:53 PM

Thank you all for your replies, it does help to know others have travelled this road before me and navigated their way through.

Callmesteph - thank you x

kansas1968 posted 6/6/2014 23:54 PM

The pain of learning of the betrayal of infidelity is truly so acute in the first six months or so that it seems like it must be fatal, and in the case of suicides, it is. You have to believe that the intensity of this pain will lessen. I know it is hard to believe right now, you are so close to DDay, but it will. You wanting to die seems very familiar to me because that is what I spent doing for the first year. I was never going to commit suicide, but I just didn't want to wake up and have to remember what my husband had done. He had a seven year affair and betrayed me on so many levels that it really was difficult to breathe.

Just try and get through one day at a time. You can always leave but it sounds like your husband wants to stay and wants his marriage.

Just remember, when someone falls into the Willy Wonka chocolate fantasy of an affair, their brain is just like it is when addicted to a drug. They are just not thinking clearly because they are fogged up by lust and the excitement of something new.

But as we all know, many times something new and shiny turns out to be just a rust-bucket with a bright coat of paint.

You are not alone and all the folks here will listen, sympathize, and support you every step of the way. Be strong, take care of your self and know most of all that you did not deserve this and this is not your fault. Hugs.

Angeles85 posted 6/7/2014 02:48 AM

I'm so sorry for ur pain stunned...It has been 5 months after my DDAY and sometimes I asked myself all this questions and many more. As Blackhorse said, we too talked about how special our love was...u made me cry was the exact same thing we used to talk about :(
I just want to let u know IT DOES GET BETTER,, I promise...hang in there ((((stunned))))

hopefull77 posted 6/7/2014 12:02 PM

I can not recomend the book by Scott haltzman's called THE SECRET OF SURVIVING INFIDELITY. For me and my H it explains the whole chemical stuff going on in the brain...and flame answered so many of our questions...he talks to both partners ...
You are not alone on this feels like it...but you are not!
I wish you peace

Uhtred posted 6/7/2014 13:41 PM


You've taken the words and thoughts of every betrayed spouse here. Like you I struggle each and everyday with all of the why questions.

There will be a day and a time for all of us to leave this behind us. Things will get better for you I promise. Let you mind process this information as it is a step towards healing.

Each day that passes is a day further away from the trauma. Keep your chin up, keep reading and posting, and we will survive this. This is surviving infidelity not drowning in infidelity.

Its ok to hurt. You have to go through it to get to the other side. I've made discoveries about myself since my world turned upside down and so will you. I'm sending positive thoughts your way.

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