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DrJekyll posted 6/6/2014 07:17 AM

We have been in a quandary about my BS's IC. She is ready to start going to IC so we are trying to figure out what is the best route. We understand that everyone is different, but thought this would be a great place to get feedback.

So have currently stopped MC. As at this point our communication issues are resolved. I am attending IC with our FMC. But my BS goes back and forth about seeing the same IC (our FMC) or getting her own. The thoughts being seeing the same IC. they may be able to help her understand me better etc. But seeing a different one, there would be no bias.

Thoughts?

Many thanks in advance!!

authenticnow posted 6/6/2014 07:23 AM

My BH and I were both very comfortable with using the same C for both of our IC and MC. When we stopped MC we both continued to use her for our IC.

She knew both of us well, had the best interest of our M at heart, and knew all of our issues.

Using the same C for all of it worked out very well for us.

tfkeel posted 6/6/2014 08:07 AM

I don't know if there is a "best route". Seems to me there are about equal pros and cons.

I think the total question is whether or not your wife is satisfied and feels comfortable with your current counselor.

If she does, then she should continue with this counselor. If not, then she should find another.

[This message edited by tfkeel at 8:10 AM, June 6th (Friday)]

Jovie posted 6/6/2014 09:48 AM

Years ago, I was seeing an IC and we eventually transitioned into her becoming our MC. It didn't work out because BS felt she took my side on too many things.

I think it could definitely be beneficial to use your FMC as both of your IC, but if either of you start to feel uncomfortable or that the IC isn't acting in your individual best interest, it's probably time to move on. If she's any good, there shouldn't be any bias.

JustWant2BHappy posted 6/6/2014 09:58 AM

We also have had this issue. Originally we started with MC and then both started to see that one as both of our IC's. Then for reasons we had to leave that one. So we both started with different IC's and now my husband wants us to see his IC as our MC.
My IC is precautioning me on this b/c of bias that could happen unintentionally from his IC appts.. especially since she hasn't seen me on an IC basis..
Just use your judgement and if you feel there is bias then maybe find one that's not either of your IC's..

somethingremorse posted 6/6/2014 09:59 AM

I'd love for my BW to start seeing our MC for her own IC (damn, lots of abbreviations there).

I have a separate IC. That works best for us, including both our MC and my IC. None of the four of us want to blur those lines.

But in our specific case, the thing my BW needs help with is the impact of the A, and the things that she has started to bring out during our MC sessions. BW is comfortable with our MC, and our MC knows both of us and our situation. I think our MC would be the best person to counsel BW.

I know everyone is different. If BW had serious FOO stuff, I think it could cloud up MC.

Schadenfreude posted 6/6/2014 10:20 AM

Issue could be moot if MC won't see either,of you as IC. Ask first, and maybe you'll get a referral.

DrJekyll posted 6/6/2014 10:34 AM

Thanks everyone for all of the feedback

One of the things i keep telling my BS is that whichever route she chooses. It doesn't have to be a permanent commitment. The only thing I ask her to commit to is going to IC. She gets to choose the rest.

Our FMC is already seeing me in IC. Sometime my BS comes with.

lifeshattered posted 6/6/2014 11:02 AM

DrJekyll,
Shortly after DDay I went to see my SAWS IC.
H had been going to him for 8 months already for alcohol and (unknown to me) sex addiction. I was such a mess at the time. I couldn't eat or sleep and I didn't want to have to start from scratch telling the awful betrayal of 33 years. My H gave his IC permission to totally disclose anything my had talked about it past sessions. I found his IC guarded and really not helpful to me. I saw me 2 times and then didn't go back. It's been 10 weeks since Dday and I'm finally ready to see an IC of my own. I have my 1st appointment Monday - I hope she's good. I hope your w finds the right person for her.