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Newest Member: Ibelieved (46047)

User Topic: Dating someone with disability (mobility)
EvenKeel
♀ 24210
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I need some advice from people who have been there.

I am dating someone with mobility issues. He is able to walk; but VERY limited distances with difficulty and pain.

Obviously, I knew this going in. It was a very open discussion. We began dating in the winter time so we were limited to winter-type dates (movies, dinners, hanging-out).

Now summer is approaching, we have moved to more seasonal dates (ie campfires, etc).

Some of the summer activities that I enjoy will not be options for dates (thinking walking around county fairs, etc) so we will need to be creative (thinking more like summer concerts, etc).

At some point, he expects to require additional assistance (ie scooter or wheelchair) but is not at this point today.

Is there anyone in SI land willing to share some experiences/tips?

I can think of one member for sure but can't remember her ID or I would PM her directly. But with our vast experiences on here, I thought you guys would be able to help me.

I am interested in obstacles and how you have dealt with them? Did you deal with any emotional concerns? Ie I know he has pain but there is not a darn thing I can do to take it away.

As always - thanks guys!


Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.


Posts: 2274 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
SoHappyNow
♀ 8923
Member # 8923
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am the one with disability. I can walk around inside my home - sometimes that feels good and sometimes it hurts pretty badly. I went to using a scooter pretty early on because: I wanted to be able to participate in fun activities without making everybody slow down for me. I don't want to miss out on ANYTHING!! I have bone on bone arthritis in my right knee (I had it in my left knee even worse, but I got that sucker totally replaced by steel and plastic March 26th!).

My new husband is fairly able bodied, but he has had 9 back surgeries but when we go somewhere that will involve a lot of walking and/or standing around, he grabs my old fold up scooter.

My advice to anyone dealing with difficulty and pain moving around is WHY? Put down the pride, grab the tool you need and go have fun! Spit in the eye of your barriers.


In the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer..Albert Camus

***Used to be hit-by-a-train***
Remarried 2/14/14


Posts: 2302 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: USA
gonnabe2016
♀ 34823
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Some of the summer activities that I enjoy will not be options for dates (thinking walking around county fairs, etc) so we will need to be creative (thinking more like summer concerts, etc).
At some point, he expects to require additional assistance (ie scooter or wheelchair) but is not at this point today.

Just because he needs to use a scooter/wheelchair for *certain* activities doesn't mean that he'll have to use one full-time.
So I agree with train:
Put down the pride, grab the tool you need and go have fun!



"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8252 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
EvenKeel
♀ 24210
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks so much HBAT and Gonna!

HBAT - are you the one that mentioned someone being in a wheelchair + great sex (not in combination - lol) a while ago?

Tools/Devices - He is using a scooter in large stores to get around (the one the store has....doesn't have one yet). I don't think it is so much as pride as it is that he really doesn't know how much longer he can walk so he wants to while he is able. Does that make any sense?

He mentally tries to remain a positive attitude so that helps tremendously but he has a lot of pain just day to day.


Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.


Posts: 2274 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
absolut
♀ 37933
Member # 37933
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My advice to anyone dealing with difficulty and pain moving around is WHY? Put down the pride, grab the tool you need and go have fun! Spit in the eye of your barriers.

agreed

I'm not on that level. But if any of this is helpful. I am epileptic. I really can't wear myself out or get overheated or be out in the sun. Some guys or people in general won't listen to me that I can't go to daytime outdoor festivals, can't walk long distances, can't drink alcohol.

But I can still have fun, I have plenty of interests and do fun stuff, I'm fine. I've always had the same problem so I really don't wonder what I'm missing out on by not skiing or yachting.


Posts: 421 | Registered: Dec 2012
SoHappyNow
♀ 8923
Member # 8923
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Evenkeel - yes I pretty much live in my wheelchair. And I may have mentioned great sex a time or two.......


In the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer..Albert Camus

***Used to be hit-by-a-train***
Remarried 2/14/14


Posts: 2302 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: USA
Got2GO
♀ 26576
Member # 26576
Default  Posted: 11:28 PM, June 9th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Evenkeel!
I don't know your whole story but if you have been cheated on and hurt in the past and it brought you here why waste your time? Obviously you have some concerns that this guy is going to hold you back from enjoying life and doing what you want to do.
I say get what you can out of this guy and leave the rest. You don't want to be a nurse maid to this guy. If you are having a good time for now just continue until something better comes long. But keep your eyes and options open.


BS (me) 47
WS (him) 70
Together 7 1/2 years
married 6 years
no children together
Happily divorced 1/29/13!

Posts: 111 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: got2go
PricklePatch
♀ 34041
Member # 34041
Default  Posted: 12:25 AM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I use a wheelchair. It has enhanced my life
There is a story or analogy for chronic illness and pain. On any given day we wake up not knowing how many spoons we have. I wake up need to do shopping and know it is a low spoon day. So I use 2 spoons to load wheelchair, another spoon for shopping, 3 for getting home and getting food in. So I have a 2 spoons left, I choose to get perishable in forge, and leave the rest for later. I take a rest and my dd puts things away. H cooks, then we have spend time to gather. Tomorrow I will have maybe 2 spoons as the out put is larger the day before. Fighting against help in my opinion makes things worse.


BS
Fwh
sorry post on my tablet

Posts: 357 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: pricklepatch
UndecidedinMA
♀ 33732
Member # 33732
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My advice to anyone dealing with difficulty and pain moving around is WHY? Put down the pride, grab the tool you need and go have fun! Spit in the eye of your barriers.

Totally agree!!!

He is using a scooter in large stores to get around (the one the store has....doesn't have one yet). I don't think it is so much as pride as it is that he really doesn't know how much longer he can walk so he wants to while he is able. Does that make any sense?

This doesn't make sense to me. He will use it to shop but not to open up better more fun with you? Tell him you'll ride the scooter until he needs it so he gets the best of both worlds.


ME - BSO
Him - FWSO
OW - DBC Xwife
DDAY 09/14/11 ONS w/DBCxWOW with 4 mos EA
Solidly in R

Posts: 1005 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: MA
EvenKeel
♀ 24210
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks again for the responses. This is new waters for me so I appreciate everyone's points.

Prickle - He is like that. If it is a day where he needs to do lots of errands; he knows the pain will be porportional and the next day or so will require extra R&R.

I don't know your whole story but if you have been cheated on and hurt in the past and it brought you here why waste your time?

G2G - I am not sure the correlation of what you are saying. Yes, I was in a M with betrayal and yes, I am in a current relationship with obstacles but every relationship has things you need to work together on. Each person/relationship is one figuring out what they can and can not deal with in each other.

He will use it to shop but not to open up better more fun with you?

I am sorry - I did not mean to imply he is anti-scooter/wheelchair nor not willing to do things and is just hibernating. IE, he has looked at taking a Disney vacation at some point and has already researched/included in the cost a scooter rental, etc.

This is a navigation for him as well. He was fully mobile and the disability happened within the past two years. He is still adapting to what he can still do with some creativeness to it (ie swimming but has to be a pool that has access for him to get out...steps or ramp entry versus a ladder, etc) and coming to terms with stuff he can't do again (fix the house roof).

He has a good attitude and is not depressed about it.

However, I do not want to do the 'bury my head in the sand' approach and not fully recognize that we will need to make some adjustments at times and try to get an understanding from the BTDT folks on what things I may be overlooking, tips, advise, etc.


Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.


Posts: 2274 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
PurpleRose
♀ 33129
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I say get what you can out of this guy and leave the rest. You don't want to be a nurse maid to this guy. If you are having a good time for now just continue until something better comes long. But keep your eyes and options open.

😨

I am sure this is not at ALL what she was talking about, and that is a pretty shitty way to treat someone. Why bother at all if you are simply going to USE someone like that?

EvenKeel- I don't have experience with mobility issues, but wanted to say I think it is a very good idea to be thinking ahead. You sound like a thoughtful person!


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3631 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
EvenKeel
♀ 24210
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PurpleRose (and all) - I am trying to understand all aspects. He is very open to discuss his situation and I think it is better to understand his individual challenges as well as relationship challenges so we are on the same page.

Yes - there could be frustations we do not expect, but we are both good with using humor in any situation. But I feel that applies to all relationships.

However, I knew there could be folks on SI to help me (either with suggestions, thinks I should be sensitive too or ideas on navigating obstacles, etc).

Just to clarify, we are both independent so neither of us is looking to use the other for personal gains. He lives in independently with full custody of his kiddos...ditto for me with no intentions on "blending" the households for many years.


Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.


Posts: 2274 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
SoHappyNow
♀ 8923
Member # 8923
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wanted to point out something not addressed in this thread yet.

Becoming disabled involves a grieving process. You DO mourn the loss of your former active self! In my case, I went from being an exercise teacher (step and water aerobics) and personal trainer to.......slowing down bit by bit........yoga teacher to diagnosed in one swell foop with a laundry list of diseases to needing a ride to get through the Frankfurt airport on my medical evacuation flight home to the USA from Kuwait. Less than a year later, I bought my first scooter.

I lost a lot.

So I began the grieving process 10 years ago. And my biggest surprise? It continues to this day! I will get to acceptance and cruise along there for a few months or a year and then up pops denial and off we go again. Do some thinking about denial and maybe your man could do the same?

My heart goes out to both of you.....this stuff ain't easy!


In the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer..Albert Camus

***Used to be hit-by-a-train***
Remarried 2/14/14


Posts: 2302 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: USA
EvenKeel
♀ 24210
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I totally agree there has to be grieving of various levels. You grieve what you thought your life would like at this age? You grieve the flexibility you had prior? You worry about what your future looks like, etc.

His condition was pretty quick as well. Working one day to hospitalization and immediate disability. This all was in the same wake of D so I can't image the mental adjustments he had to cope with and digest (and, as you pointed out, will continue to do).

(Seriously...some of us couldn't barely function during the darkest days of the D...let alone handle a major physical change to our self)

He is two years out from his diagnosis and I think his overall, his mental attitude is pretty good. Sure he gets frustrated with the pain, meds, lack of mobility/flexibility but he just keeps motoring along and is doing some activities to improve what he can. However, I am not naive enough to think he won't go through periods of grieving (as you pointed out).

Thank you for bringing the grieving up. This is exactly why I decided to post this subject...there are so many levels to it and I need help

[This message edited by EvenKeel at 1:46 PM, June 11th (Wednesday)]


Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.


Posts: 2274 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
Topic Posts: 14

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