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Newest Member: flowerfarmer (61841)

User Topic: Update
Member # 43611
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stupid me just realized today that he girl he talks to on phone has an iphone. That means it's iMessage since he also has iphone. iMessages don't show on the verizon logs. I knew he was texting more than the occasional one I would see. He told me he was having to do 'send as text' a lot because iMessage wasn't working, those were ones I was seeing.

My husband has an old iPad that still contained his Apple ID. I gussed his Apple ID password and turned on. iPad to receive iMessage. This morning at 7:45 he sends, good morning I love you to the girl he was talking to on phone all those times. So I know for sure he's in relationship with her, not sure if the 2 women he texts are just emotional or 'virtual ' affairs. I am devastated now that I know. But I knew all along.

Should I confront him tonight? We have a trip to Mexico 6/22-6/28, his idea to ultimately book it. Advice ?

Posts: 3 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: New Jersey
♀ 42544
Member # 42544
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow I don't know what to say about the trip. Better to confront here then there right?

I had the same revelation a few weeks after dd and realized that the numerous texts I saw on the phone bill were just scratches of the buttload of texts these 2 assholes sent back and forth. Ugh just pisses me off thinking about it and hating how as a BS we were just thrown into this bullshit.

Sorry he's still deceiving you :( you don't deserve that

Together - 14 years
Married - 7 years
DDay- Jan 15, 2014. WH had EA/PA

Hopeful reconciliation.

Posts: 152 | Registered: Feb 2014
♀ 42476
Member # 42476
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Confront. Give him a chance to get his shit together if YOU choose...then get on with your happiness. Mexico will suck either way you handle this. You'll either be openly or secretly hurting.

Posts: 104 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Virginia
♀ 21101
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hold off until you have seen a lawyer, it does give you a bit of a foot up.
Do you have trip insurance? If so cancel, if not tell him you will be going alone, and see if you can find a BFF, Sibling, or Parent to accompany you instead.

I say be prepared, as much as possible. See the Attorney, find out what options you have to protect yourself financially, is D or S a better bet. Have papers drawn up so when you do confront there will be no opportunity for wiggle room from him. Be prepared for him to storm out and not listen. Be prepared for him to blame, accuse, and behave like a general ass.
Be prepared for him to refuse to give you transparency, stating he has a right to privacy (which he does not). That he can't stay with someone who doesn't trust him (which you can't, and even if he ends up accepting all this, and starts to do the work of R won't happen for a long time).

This is incredibly painful. We get that. Take care of you. Make sure you are the priority right now.

Him: FWS
Kids: 18 & 20
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

Posts: 13424 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
♀ 43147
Member # 43147
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

See a lawyer. Know your rights. Take a day to think it through. Then decide, I would let him know before the trip.
Take care of yourself, drink, eat, I had to take something to sleep because my mind would not let me rest.

I will not let the anger change me, I am going to raise myself up and keep growing. To let the anger change me would be like they won!

Posts: 71 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: PA
♂ 43266
Member # 43266
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry BlueGirl. You don't deserve this. You're in a good spot to learn more than your WH is likely to admit if you confront him. If this is the tip of the iceberg of an LTA, your in for a true shit storm. It's going to get a lot more painful.

I'm new at this and I don't have good advice on how / when to confront (I wish I had found this site before I had confronted my WW so I could have drawn on this communities collective wisdom, which is impressive).

I will suggest that you see a Lawyer today to learn your rights, what you can reasonable expect as an outcome in a D and how to protect yourself financially.

Act swiftly (as in, right now) on the lawyer and financial front. You should probably have them draw up D papers so you can have them for when you confront your WH. Do you have any kids?

Listen to the experts here on how to approach the confrontation.

So sorry that you find yourself hear but glad that you have found us so you don't have to navigate this alone. Stay strong.

I guess it's game on . . .

Posts: 58 | Registered: Apr 2014
♀ 43520
Member # 43520
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with blindsided. You are in for a shit storm but I definitely wouldn't plan on that trip happening right now. We had a ridiculously expensive trip of a life time to take the kids to South Africa about 6 weeks after DDay and no one except my husband wanted to go so we cancelled and ate the cost. It was just one more crappy outcome in the shit storm that you are about to enter. You have to be realistic though and getting on a plane with or with out him right now isn't going to be good for you.


Me: BS
He cheated and then lied. Apparently cheaters lie. Huh. 13 months of false R. Divorced! 8/16 3 teenage kids
"The barn's burnt down
I can see the moon"
-Mizuta Masahide

Posts: 2854 | Registered: May 2014
♂ 43266
Member # 43266
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BlueGirl, please also document all the iMessages and other evidence immediately. Especially any evidence of things he did with her spending your money. I'm not sure (your Lawyer can advise you) but I think even in a no fault state the court can deduct the money he spent on the A - trips, hotels, gifts - from whatever money you have to give your WH. Keep us posted. Others with more experience will be along to help you. The more info you provide the more they can help.

You work hard for what you have. Make sure that, if you do decide to D, he gets as little of the money you were busy working hard for while he was busy disrespecting you and f-ing other women.

I guess it's game on . . .

Posts: 58 | Registered: Apr 2014
♀ 38121
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't you just love it when these lying shits let us go about our regular daily lives - making plans and futures with them and forging legal and financial bonds, etc. etc. - all so it can blow up in our faces through NO fault of our own?


Well, I'm the most vindictive bitch on the planet (I'm beginning to believe, anyway) and I'd go on that trip with him because why should YOU miss out on going to Mexico just because he's a big lying shithead?

He's no doubt already told his 'soulmate' that he's dreading going away with you, that he'll hate every single minute of it, that he won't so much as touch you in any intimate way at all, and that every single second he'll be thinking of nothing but her and will be miserable being stuck with you...blah blah blah.

That's what these lying fools always say to their OW when they go on vacation with their wives. It's as cliche as it gets - but it's right on Page #46 of the Cheater's Manual, Chapter 3 - "Lies to tell your OW about how much you hate your vacation with your wife." Pffft.

Therefore, making these two chuckle-heads miserable would be my number #1 goal in life. And that's why I would go on the vacation - just knowing she was crying into her beer every night because he's with ME in the tropics would be worth it to me. But again - I'm a bitch and that type of stuff is what I do.

Once you're down there, you have the choice of having him thrown into a Mexican Prison (which would be my vote) or holding him captive and making him talk. Tequila makes people do funny things and sometimes acts like truth serum, that's for sure. Letting his cell phone float in the toilet for the 20 or 30 minutes you're in the shower the first night you're there would probably also elicit a response from him (albeit not a good one). But, oh well. It was an accident.

Gosh and golly, I just realized that would ALSO cut him off from the outside world - especially from those sitting at home ALL alone - like the pitiful losers they ARE - waiting desperately for that feeble text message of love from afar, assuring them that they're still number #1. Now THAT would be a shame if he couldn't send that all-important text to her, now wouldn't it?

The last leg of my plan would be his total submission to mass amounts of tequila followed by a brutal question and answer period under a bare bulb while I blew cigar smoke in his face. Liquor tends to draw the truth out of people.

If neither of those options work for you, then I would make sure you have all your ducks in a row (evidence wise) and confront him with all the shock and awe you've got in you.

Oh - and make sure you WRITE DOWN on an index card everything you want to say or to ask him. These conversations get amazingly emotional and way off-track, so sometimes a card with a bulleted list will keep you on track as you navigate your way through the emotional chaos.

Good luck to you, Blue.

Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 6327 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
♀ 32962
Member # 32962
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am in the camp of not confronting yet. You have quite a few days before the trip. I'd keep documenting. You have a golden opportunity to hear what most BS would give their right arm for. If you confront now you blow it and you're at the mercy of either believing whatever he tells you are going crazy because you don't know if it's true or not. Take a few days to quietly monitor his usage and screenshot those messages and email them to yourself somewhere secure that he has no access to.

It's going to be incredibly hard to find a way to do this. Think about if you have to. Go into detective mode. When you do ask the question he is going to lie a lot and gaslight. You need more concrete evidence than you have right now and you have a chance to get it.

So sorry though you're going through this. It sucks. I've been there. I wish I had had more restraint of time before I confronted.

-betrayed almost my whole almost 15 yr marriage
-divorced since 2004

Posts: 1025 | Registered: Aug 2011
♀ 43304
Member # 43304
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

so sorry : (

Posts: 358 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Hawaii
♂ 43266
Member # 43266
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, June 8th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just want to see how you are doing, BlueGrl.

I guess it's game on . . .

Posts: 58 | Registered: Apr 2014
Topic Posts: 12

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