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Jovie posted 6/6/2014 10:58 AM

I know everyone's journey is different, I'm just kind of curious how we stack up. And what we can be expecting for the next 6 months or so. I feel like I should maybe post in reconciliation but I feel more comfortable here...

Last night BH was upset and said he just wishes he didn't feel this way anymore, he wants to be over it already. I guess in some ways it just feels like, what else is there to do?

There really isn't much more to talk about regarding the A. There are a few emotion-type questions I've had trouble answering satisfactorily (still trying to dig in at IC though), but he hasn't expressed dissatisfaction with my answers to any of the fact-type questions he's had. He doesn't seem like he's "dwelling" too much on anything in particular. Our sex life is amazing compared to before, our intimacy is through the roof. I'm open with all communication. In certain ways, because of our specific circumstances, I think it's been relatively easy for him to start trusting me again. When things are good, they are really good.

When things are bad, he feels like he's not sure if he can ever get over this and I start mentally preparing myself for him to leave me. But I think for the most part, I wouldn't consider us in limbo and I think he wants to make it work. And I know I will do pretty much anything to make it work.

Our MC has put it out there that she thinks things should feel better?/different? about a year after DDay, and I know the wisdom here is 2-5 years to recover.

I feel like I'm sounding like I am looking to rush the process, and that's not my intention. I guess I'm just wondering if there's some aspect of healing we're missing, or if this is just how it's supposed to be and in your experiences, are we on the right track and what will happen next?

WS and BS welcome and appreciated.

tfkeel posted 6/6/2014 11:14 AM

Doesn't sound like you're "missing" anything. If you have that much restoration in 6 months, I think you're "ahead" of most of the people I read about.

It's very hard to say how much time it will take or what will "happen next".

For me, there was no reconciliation, no restoration of anything. So I have no personal experience to share with you.

annb posted 6/6/2014 12:19 PM

BS here....

In my situation, at 6 months to a year, the reality of it all came crashing down. The shock began to wear off, and I started realizing this is now my screwed up life. My peace was gone, I was able to internalize the true effect the A had on me and my family. For me, it was much easier the first few months, I think it was because I was traumatized and couldn't really accept the situation. It was like I was living in a dream, then the reality set in, and Boom!

It truly took me about four years to begin to feel safe again....WH TT me to death, so that probably has some bearing on my healing.

If you read the R forum, I think you will come to understand that generally, not for all, but for most year 2 is worse than year one.

Be patient as you can with your spouse, it will take him much longer than six months to feel what will be his new normal. Always be honest, the lies and TT can set you back to square one.

Everyone is different, I know of some who felt at about year 2 their lives were back on track, and others, like myself, who were on the 5-year plan.

We did have many good times the first couple of years, BUT like you mentioned, when things were good, they were good, and when I began to spiral into the abyss, it was hell for a very long time. It's the emotional roller coaster, it's truly a bumpy ride.