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Help navigating the rollercoaster

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Hope20 posted 6/6/2014 12:53 PM

I am struggling with how to manage the array of emotions that seem to be coming from all directions lately. We are about 7 months out, and my WH has done many things right. He answers questions, tries to show support, apologizes, makes loving gestures and tries to show me through his actions that he is 100% committed.

In many ways, we are more connected and loving than we have been in years. My emotions felt more predictable and more even until the last two weeks. All the sudden they are out of control again. I can feel very loving one minute, and wonder who I married the next. I don't know that I typically feel anger - as I have seen that phase could be due - it is more like disappointment, apathy, annoyance, and disgust. Did other people experience this? I look at him and see him working to be the person I loved for so long, then it is gone. Sadly, he didn't change in that moment, my perspective did. Does anyone have any suggestions? Is there a road map to this experience? Sometimes I feel like I am driving with a blindfold on and I don't know what is coming until I hit it.

tushnurse posted 6/6/2014 18:36 PM

Sounds like you have entered the "lethal plain of flatness" I can tell you in my experience it came with a time of acceptance, and true realization of just how broken my WH was.

It takes some time and some self reflection and forgiveness of yourself and your choice to stay. It also includes watching your spouses current behavior. For me this was kinda like the final healing of the wound, it still hurt but it wasn't a big ugly gash anymore it was a bright pink scar.

Hang in there keep communicating and do special things together frequently. Do special things for each other. Cards surprises love notes etc. It may he forced but if it's the real deal that will go away and you embrace the new love you have created.

HonoringVows posted 6/6/2014 18:48 PM

It has been 4 years since I found out my husband had been with an escort. I, too, still have the same feelings you are having. I am hoping counseling will help. It's been difficult...He just doesn't realize what pain he has caused.

Married 20 years
Me: 45
Him: 56
3 adult children

Skan posted 6/6/2014 22:49 PM

Oh yes, your feelings are not uncommon at all. I actually think that the lethal plain of flatness is a very healthy response. Up to now, you've probably had a rollercoaster from hell feeling up one moment, and ready to paint the walls with blood the next. Blaming yourself, wondering if you contributed, wondering if he's lying, wondering if there's more to come, driving yourself crazy with your mind churning and churning. Adrenalin spikes galore.

I think that this phase of apathy, of flatness, is our brain trying to give itself a break and heal up a bit. You just can't live on a stress diet for long periods of time without completely breaking down, mentally and physically. I think that this flatness is a shield that our minds put up, to gain some space to try to mend a bit. Sort of like how shock shields the body from pain for a bit, until hopefully you can get to safety, before all of the trauma comes crashing down from the lion's attack.

So look on this as a bit of a mental rest from the trauma. Don't stop doing what you need for healing and certainly don't allow him to either. Just sort of sink into the rest, the disconnection, for a bit. You don't want to stay there forever, but allow your mind a bit of numb time. (((hugs)))

MakingMyFuture posted 6/8/2014 11:56 AM

This is completely normal. If you are healing and he is doing everything to R, over time you should start to feel/see him in a more positive way.

I think the bit of detachment while you Are working on repairing actually creates a distance for the WS to fill. They should feel you withdrawing a bit emotionally even though you are still doing work, and step up to make more of an effort. IMHO Seeing them do this is part of what helps the healing.

Hope20 posted 6/11/2014 09:17 AM

I like the idea of creating space for WS to fill. I would like to think he would, although I think sometimes he gets so freaked out by by emotions and isn't sure what to do. I have told him I would rather have him make efforts and fail than do nothing. He is still afraid he will do something wrong and make things worse.

I hate feeling so unpredictable. Feeling flat lately is a little scary too. What if I stay that way? What if the passions are gone?

I wish I could just take a mental vacation. This is exhausting. In some ways, DDay feels like yesterday. Othertimes, it feels like I have aged 20 years!

feelinglost360 posted 6/11/2014 12:11 PM

My WBF sent me this text yesterday:
"The woman I love may never love me the same no matter what I do or say to fix it. It scares me really!!"

It scares me too. I love this man with all my heart, but it's not the same anymore. It's sad. I am broken because of what he did (ONS w/ escorts - threesome ). He swears up and down this is the only time he has ever stepped outside our relationship. I am constantly asking him questions, not as much about the affair but more about how he is going to fix this situation, me and us.

He is trying his hardest to make things better, but to me its not enough. When will it be enough? When will I be able to look at him and not want to smack him in the face?

Is it really possible to be completely happy and in love again?

[This message edited by feelinglost360 at 12:13 PM, June 11th (Wednesday)]

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