We don't communicate. Yes, we talk but its small talk. We no longer connect.
He's signed up for a 6-week inpatient program with the VA for PTSD. Waiting to hear when he goes. I'm so looking forward to it! Isn't that sad?
So, my question is this - How did you tell your fWH that you were done? What did you say? I keep playing the "talk" over and over and I can't find a good way to tell him that I want to end this.
In regards to the ONS, I told him that it was over because I didn't think I could ever look at him again without picturing him with another women. I can't even imagine trying to be intimate with him, it would probably destroy me.
Just be honest and tell him that you thought you could handle all of the hurt that comes from learning of an A but it was just too much for you. He may not understand because my FWS still thinks I'm coming back (It's only been a couple weeks since final D-Day) and he might tell you to stay. The kicker is though, is it worth it? Is it worth living the rest of your life like this, feeling this way. That for me is why I left, something I should have done a long time ago.
I cannot see any hope in R, I am truly shattered.
I am sorry you are here.
Just want you to know other people hear you and understand your dilemma.
Please see an attorney before you tell him goodbye.
You need to know your rights regarding financial issues like pensions, social security, etc.
Also, some people can get vindictive when things are ending and empty the bank account.
Don't do that because you will likely have to pay it back, but do let the attorney freeze the accounts.
As for how to tell him goodbye.... I am still trying to work that out myself.
With my wayward, I only know of one affair, but I suspect others. I can't prove those. But there is damning evidence like condoms found 15 years ago, when we did not use them. Friends seeming uncomfortable, and as if they wanted to tell me something, then changed their minds.
I am still with my wayward for the children, but thinking of filing soon.
The special connection is gone.
I, too, no longer feel safe with my husband.
I now know that the guy I thought was my best friend, is a liar, a thief and a cheat.
A friend said to me once, if your wayward was a business partner who did things that could hurt you behind your back, lied to you and embezzled money to spend on something other than the business, wouldn't you dissolve the partnership?
That comment really woke me up to the reality of my daily life.
I don't know what woke you up, but maybe it's a good thing.
You could always ask the attorney what his opinion of the best way to say goodbye is.
Some people I know simply file and never talk to the wayward again. The attorney talks to them.
I said "pack your shit, and get the fuck out forever". Then I called my brother and dad to come over and change the locks. Then I had him served with divorce papers at the OW's house.
AppalachianGal, if you feel it is the end, then in the words of Captain Picard - make it so. Don't drag it out and compromise your future.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
If you do handle the communication to him directly and not through an attorney, i would say just make sure that you word it perhaps in a way that he can't wiggle himself out of it, or back into your heart. Be definitive. Of course it all depends on how he's likely to take it, your safety, etc. and how much he wants the marriage, despite his attrocious (sp) behavior.
I am also trying to figure out way to "say goodbye," with I'm not going to say anything ,... i don't think. I'm just going to leave after house closes PRAY IT DOES since we are long time domestic partners but not married. I don't think he'll be sad to see me go though. I think he hates me as much as he loathes himself.
I never understood why military spouses left while the husband was gone until I took the chance with mine gone for AT. If I had seen the writing on the wall I would have been securing my future while he was in iraq with gf #2.
In my mind, that's just about always the best play.
After all, did they struggle with how to tell us they were fucking and sucking someone else?
Just do it.
what stupid empty words are going to change things?
When I was initially done with the marriage, I just told him that I was done and filing. No response from him whatsoever.
Just try to insure to yourself that you see no way that this can repair itself no matter what he does.
My advise would be to come to terms within yourself, see a L and file. When you tell your spouse make it like a business transaction. Your spouse has shown you he does not have the same mutual respect and emotional attachement to the M as you did. Imagine you are going into a confernece room to terminate an employee or pull business from a supplier.
If you have an emotional diatribe you will leave disappointed guaranteed. Sorry.