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User Topic: How did you say goodbye?
♀ 31672
Member # 31672
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its been almost 6 months since the day I was told that there had been another woman. I'm just going through the motions. I have NO peace with staying married. Every time I think I can, I am just depressed and feel..... I can't even explain it. Sex with him is nothing to me. I feel NOTHING. There is no connection, no specialness, no trust, no safety. There used to be before I found out that there had been others. I cry afterward. It does nothing but cause me pain. This must be what it feels like to have sex with a stranger but without the excitement or the thrill.

We don't communicate. Yes, we talk but its small talk. We no longer connect.

He's signed up for a 6-week inpatient program with the VA for PTSD. Waiting to hear when he goes. I'm so looking forward to it! Isn't that sad?

So, my question is this - How did you tell your fWH that you were done? What did you say? I keep playing the "talk" over and over and I can't find a good way to tell him that I want to end this.

BS (me) 45; WS, 47
M - 1990; 3 adult children
Too many DDays. Multiple EAs/PAs, ONS, Backpage/Craigs List prostitutes were the final straw. Separated 03/20/17- Divorcing!

Posts: 489 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: On my way UP
♀ 3703
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I said "pack your shit, and get the fuck out forever". Then I called my brother and dad to come over and change the locks. Then I had him served with divorce papers at the OW's house.

BW - 40
DD - 7 years old
D-day OW#1 2/2004;D-day OW#2 5/2010
Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.

Posts: 5491 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
♀ 39175
Member # 39175
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just reminded him of the promise he had made me, that there wouldn't be another A. That was a big reason why I left because I couldn't stand going through that hurt all over again.

In regards to the ONS, I told him that it was over because I didn't think I could ever look at him again without picturing him with another women. I can't even imagine trying to be intimate with him, it would probably destroy me.

Just be honest and tell him that you thought you could handle all of the hurt that comes from learning of an A but it was just too much for you. He may not understand because my FWS still thinks I'm coming back (It's only been a couple weeks since final D-Day) and he might tell you to stay. The kicker is though, is it worth it? Is it worth living the rest of your life like this, feeling this way. That for me is why I left, something I should have done a long time ago.

BS 22
WS 26
D-Day #1 EA/PA Oct 2011
D-Day #2 EA/PA Feb 2012
D-Day #3 EA/PA Mar 2012
^On going affair with former girlfriend.
D-Day #4 PA April 2013
D-Day #5 PA May 2014

I cannot see any hope in R, I am truly shattered.

Posts: 84 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Missouri
♀ 42476
Member # 42476
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's so hard and exactly how I feel at times. My advice? Tell him in the honest and blatant way he SHOULD have told you about his desire to stray. Looking at your history, I'm not sure why he wouldn't see this coming. He's been ruthless and awful to you.

Posts: 104 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Virginia
♀ 43513
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Appalachian Gal:

I am sorry you are here.

Just want you to know other people hear you and understand your dilemma.

Please see an attorney before you tell him goodbye.

You need to know your rights regarding financial issues like pensions, social security, etc.

Also, some people can get vindictive when things are ending and empty the bank account.

Don't do that because you will likely have to pay it back, but do let the attorney freeze the accounts.

As for how to tell him goodbye.... I am still trying to work that out myself.

With my wayward, I only know of one affair, but I suspect others. I can't prove those. But there is damning evidence like condoms found 15 years ago, when we did not use them. Friends seeming uncomfortable, and as if they wanted to tell me something, then changed their minds.

I am still with my wayward for the children, but thinking of filing soon.

The special connection is gone.

I, too, no longer feel safe with my husband.

I now know that the guy I thought was my best friend, is a liar, a thief and a cheat.

A friend said to me once, if your wayward was a business partner who did things that could hurt you behind your back, lied to you and embezzled money to spend on something other than the business, wouldn't you dissolve the partnership?

That comment really woke me up to the reality of my daily life.

I don't know what woke you up, but maybe it's a good thing.

You could always ask the attorney what his opinion of the best way to say goodbye is.

Some people I know simply file and never talk to the wayward again. The attorney talks to them.

ďIf two people truly have feelings for one another then they donít have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1516 | Registered: May 2014
♀ 40229
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The process server that served him did all the talking for me. He was leaving anyway, so it's not the same situation as yours.

"Bitch please a good man can't be stolen." ROFLMAO - SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 4396 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
OK now
♀ 14459
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I said "pack your shit, and get the fuck out forever". Then I called my brother and dad to come over and change the locks. Then I had him served with divorce papers at the OW's house.

I'm full of admiration. Way to go sparky.

AppalachianGal, if you feel it is the end, then in the words of Captain Picard - make it so. Don't drag it out and compromise your future.

Posts: 2062 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
♀ 35812
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Given your WHs history, I would find a lawyer to retain and, when once he was checked into his program, have him served about a week or so after it started. Gives you time to do the things that you need to do about getting a new bank account, finances separated, etc. Gives him support, if needed, if his PTSD flares up again, not that that is a large factor in my calculation. Having the time alone, without him around to do what you need to do, is my main calculation. Let the papers do the talking.

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012

Posts: 10202 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
♀ 39114
Member # 39114
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi AppalachianGal

If you do handle the communication to him directly and not through an attorney, i would say just make sure that you word it perhaps in a way that he can't wiggle himself out of it, or back into your heart. Be definitive. Of course it all depends on how he's likely to take it, your safety, etc. and how much he wants the marriage, despite his attrocious (sp) behavior.

I am also trying to figure out way to "say goodbye," with I'm not going to say anything ,... i don't think. I'm just going to leave after house closes PRAY IT DOES since we are long time domestic partners but not married. I don't think he'll be sad to see me go though. I think he hates me as much as he loathes himself.

Me BS 49, ExWS: narcissist! Jekyll Hyde. Left in secret early July, moved states. Left home, job, whole life behind and difficult** adjusting. Dog injured and too much to handle. Supremely bummed out.

Posts: 557 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: theagonyofit
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 11:05 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I could have written this myself. I too have rehearsed it in my mind. Part of the problem is, I don't know how he will react. At times I think he wants to be away from as bad as him but who knows. If my ws were going to be gone for six weeks though, thats when I would do it. I have feeling you don't want to deal with him so have someone ekse serve him while he's away and get everything done before he gets back. Your more apt to follow through if he's not there to interrupt your momentum. I'll be thinking of you and sending much strength to get through this. I wish.I could just wake up one day and have it already done but I guess we have to make it happen.
Been with him over half my life
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank

Posts: 5738 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
♀ 31421
Member # 31421
Default  Posted: 5:52 AM, June 7th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you fall under the 20/20/20 rule? If so, you get 50% retirement benefits, medical and access to the commissary. Right? Sure does make it easier if you have some piece of mind. Get a lawyer that knows their military stuff. I had a lawyer make sure I got the wording that specified that I receive my portion based on the rank when he retired and not when we divorced.

I never understood why military spouses left while the husband was gone until I took the chance with mine gone for AT. If I had seen the writing on the wall I would have been securing my future while he was in iraq with gf #2.

Posts: 2328 | Registered: Mar 2011
♂ 17484
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:24 AM, June 7th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How about focusing on how to do it, instead of what to say?

In my mind, that's just about always the best play.

After all, did they struggle with how to tell us they were fucking and sucking someone else?

Just do it.
What words
what stupid empty words are going to change things?

Posts: 7269 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
♀ 22870
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, June 7th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wrote him a letter where I told him that I was done and filing the final papers. He tried to kill himself the next day.

When I was initially done with the marriage, I just told him that I was done and filing. No response from him whatsoever.

You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 9177 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
♂ 41947
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, June 7th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unfortunately, no magic bullet easy way. I suggest you carefully prepare what you want to say, go over it, and then do it face to face. Yes, it will be emotional and painful, but if you are that sure of what you want then only prolonging it will make it more painful in the long run.

Just try to insure to yourself that you see no way that this can repair itself no matter what he does.

Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
♂ 42858
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, June 7th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think that the greatest challenege you will face is reality. You want to think of someting that captures the intensity of the pain you feel from your betrayal into a great speech or letter. In my opinion the firsy thing you have to accept is you will never get the satisfaction you are looking for at this time. The disappointment just can;t be overcome. Eventually you will move to acceptance as the Serenity Prayer states.

My advise would be to come to terms within yourself, see a L and file. When you tell your spouse make it like a business transaction. Your spouse has shown you he does not have the same mutual respect and emotional attachement to the M as you did. Imagine you are going into a confernece room to terminate an employee or pull business from a supplier.

If you have an emotional diatribe you will leave disappointed guaranteed. Sorry.

I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
Topic Posts: 15

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