When I was 20 years old, I was the picture of nativity, trying to make it in the grown up world. My parents were in a different state and I was living in the big city with my BF. I thought I had it all figured out, until I met this other guy. I didn't like him at first, he seemed arrogant and a little too smooth. Looks were not deceiving, he was exactly what I thought he was and before long I'd given in. My friends who'd originally encouraged this union soon started turning away from me and towards my BBF. I was arrogant at first, I didn't understand why my friends were abandoning me when a month before they were writing OM and my name on a piece of paper with hearts on it. I began to feel ashamed and alone. I was 20, I was an adult leaving life on my own in the big city.
My BBF did not take the confession well, I wasn't even sure at the time what I wanted to do, but we worked through it and 6 months later he told me I had his trust back. 4 years later when I was 25 we married. The first couple of years of the marriage were great, but something always seemed like it was missing. By the time I was 28, I'd nearly forgotten that I was a FWGF, but he had not. 8 years since my indescretion, 8 years of trying to act like a 30 year old stuck in a 20's body and I decided I needed friends. I accepted an invite for drinks from a group of co-workers, I had a blast and went home. I was immediately bombarded with accusations even though he'd gone out several times with co-workers over the years and I welcomed him home with open arms never asking or suggesting anything inappropriate happened. Nothing inappropriate happened on my night out, I'd already learned my lesson and told him I'd never be that stupid again. But, 8 years, marriage, talks of children and him telling me he trusted me, none of it was true. He never trusted me, he always thought I'd do it again. We tried, I tried, it didn't work, we divorced a year later.
When I was 30, I met my now BF, we were together 3 years before we got engaged. Before we were engaged, even though I didn't have to, I told him of what I'd done when I was 20 (13 years prior at the time I told him). My BF was extremely upset, he told me he didn't respect cheaters, his image of me was ruined and we almost broke up. We somehow got past that, and got engaged, we stayed engaged for 5 years. I took my ring off when he told me he'd cheated on me.
This from a man that didn't respect cheaters, this from a man who watched me break down telling him how I'd wronged someone else, this from a man who nearly left me because I'd cheated on someone else so long ago.
I truly believe some of these affairs are mistakes, I also believe that sometimes they are lifes way of dealing you a final blow for your previous mistakes.
I am not a FWSO, because the affair I had wounded a man who is now happily married to someone else. I'm a BGF desperately hoping that because of my experiences I don't project too much or too little on a guy that knows now exactly what I've done, because he's done it too. I'm hoping that he knows I never considered a revenge affair, I'm hoping that were both adult enough to not take each other for granted or hurt each other like this ever again.
18 years is a long time to pay for 1 stupid mistake, but remember that even if you heal and change, karma will always catch you. I wonder if I hadn't told my BF what I did if things would've turned out differently. I wonder how much I should be upset at someone who's hurt me as much as I've hurt someone else. I'm glad I told my BF who I am and I have every right to be hurt because of what he did. It was hard telling him I trust him, because I wanted to be sure and not say it and wonder if I meant it, I also didn't want to feel like I was rushing it because of past experiences. I do trust him, but I'm watching for the Karma bus still, it may be done with me, but it might come back for him.
[This message edited by LifeIsTooWeird at 3:59 PM, June 6th (Friday)]