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obsessed with the intimate details!!!!

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neecee posted 6/6/2014 17:15 PM

OMG!!! As if its not bad enough that I am an emotional wreck, going from anger, rage, sadness, grief, utter gut wrenching despair, Now I am so fixated on all the intimate details of my husbands affair (D-Day was just one month ago) I find myself sitting there imagining how they would meet up and get into her car. I keep thinking about how she performed oral sex on him and how he must've have touched her breasts. I imagine them kissing and all of the other gory details of their repeated intimate encounters. I AM OBSESSED. It is KILLING ME!!! Some days I try and keep those thoughts at bay but then there are days (most days) that I cant get those images out of my head. My obsession with the "what did they do" "how often did they do it" etc. makes me insane. I end up calling my H or texting H (I kicked him out the day I found out and he wants desperately to set me back, has NC with OW and never loved her) I text him all these crazy questions and I end up exploding and telling him "this is never going to work, I will never EVER get past this, I want a divorce!!"
I don't know how some BS know so soon that they want to work it out and try to R. I am beyond destroyed and don't know if I am coming or going!
I don't think I/we will ever make any progress when I am obsessing over these things. These very things that ruined my life. HELP ME!!!!

hopefull77 posted 6/6/2014 17:47 PM

All I can say at almost 19 months out they do pass...I think we have all had those images...for me it was hard because until his A we were our one and only....
that is changed forever now....
So I choose to move forward....

neecee posted 6/6/2014 17:57 PM

I feel your pain, we were each others one and only, for 28 years

vivere posted 6/6/2014 18:21 PM

((neecee))No great advice on how to stop thinking about it so frequently except to say I tried to keep as busy as possible initially. Time really is your best friend and the images do become less and less prevalent.

I don't know how some BS know so soon that they want to work it out and try to R.

At one month out, I can't imagine anyone knowing exactly what they want to do. The best piece of advice I read here was that I didn't have to make any decisions right now. It gave me 'permission' to sit on the fence and just 'see' where things went. It was difficult but I had to give up trying to control the outcome.

If you haven't already, look in The Healing Library and read about implementing the 180. I found the more I focused on me, the better I felt.

I still ride the roller coaster but now the lows are far less frequent and I never plummet to the same depths. You will get there too but it takes time. Hang in there.

Uhtred posted 6/6/2014 18:22 PM

You are 1 month out. Things will change for you as time passes. I can't say it will get better it will just be different. You will go from shell shocked to numb. Your mind and body cannot withstand this day in and day out but its part of the healing process that you have to go through. 1 month out and I felt like I was going to die from grief. Your mind and body is doing what it needs to process the immense pain that you've endured.

I felt like this for quite sometime. Slowly but surely I realized I was not going to die. It doesn't hurt any less but its different now and I'm in a different place. I'm not less angry or less sad but I'm processing it differently than I did the first month out. You will get better I promise. Make sure you try and stay on a healthy path to healing. I'm wishing the best for you and am sorry for your pain.

seenow posted 6/6/2014 18:26 PM

I did that too. I needed every detail. I am just over a year from Dday and those obsessions have subsided. Time.....

For me knowing all the details didn't make things easier or harder. Some say knowing all the details makes it harder and they wish they didn't know. You need to decide that.

Also, not making a decision to R or not is making a decision. Time.......

Ostrich80 posted 6/6/2014 19:04 PM

I was too, especially so soon after DD. I am in agreement with some of the others, that need to know the intimate details does subside. I felt like I had to know, then I read some posters stories of finding explicit details and wishing they hadn't because they were traumatizing. Of course everyone's different but you may not ever get every single detail. The ws can tell you they have told you all but really, we never know if that's the truth. Have you told your ws that you will not consider R until he comes clean? He may tell you more so he doesnt lose you but at the same time, he may be afraid if he tells you, he may lose you.

[This message edited by Ostrich80 at 7:05 PM, June 6th (Friday)]

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