Hi LMW4E,
Mate it really sounds like you arent seeing the big picture and you certainly arent putting yourself in your BW's shoes. And this is something you need to start doing immediately. If you arent able to look at things from her perspective, and relay that, it will be impossible for her to believe that you empathize and that you are putting her first.
Let me first tell you where im coming from - I had 3 OW. 2 EA's prior to our marriage, 1 of which spilled over into our marriage and then a PPA (partial physical affair 2 years into our marriage. Unlike you, I never accepted my actions pre marriage as cheating or even as that bad. I had zero intention of ever admitting any of it. It wasnt until I escalated into the physical and had an affair while my wife was pregnant that I began to reconsider my self image as a good man. I have since been found out, and like you, chosen to tell my BW everything there was to tell and we have been working on R for 5 months.
Here is what I have learnt that hopefully can help you:
First, you need to let go of your frustration that she keeps asking questions. This will continue for a long long time. Get used to it, and appreciate it for what it is. It may not feel like it, but to me this is a sign that she has not completely detached the way you did from your first wife. She is giving you a chance to demonstrate commitment to truth and to her - take it!
Second, as people have already said, you have completely destroyed your marriage and its validity in the eyes of your wife. Accept it, and if she is giving you a chance to enter R after D then take that for the gift it is and remind your BW that you are prepared to do anything and everything - by HER rules - to make things right.
Third, take the self pity, self loathing and hatred to a counsellor and keep it away from your wife. You have given up your rights to wallow in your own opinion of yourself and need to throw EVERYTHING you have into being there for her, her questions, her anger and her pain. I cannot emphasize enough the impact of always being there to hold your BW or if its her preference, support her from across the room, whenever she plummits into darkness. This is your job now. If you are serious about her, you will be serious about this. If you are feeling those things about yourself, still be open with your wife and let her know you are struggling with it, and reassure her you are adressing it with your IC. Just dont let it poison your recovery. She comes first now.
Finally, accept that you wont feel like you are "getting through to her" for at least a couple of years! Right now you are about as trustworthy as a serial con man. All of her illusions of you as reliable, honest, trustworthy, loyal have all been obliterated. You dont just regain all that because you say youll never do it again. You regain it through years of consistent demonstration that she comes first. And I say that with at least 19 months to go myself!
Get out of your own head, and get into hers buddy. I assure you the progress will come. I hope you get the chance. It takes courage to open yourself up to strangers and ask for help!