SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Return to Forum List

Still Angry 1 year later, and it wasn't even an "affair"!

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

Pages: 1 · 2

goingthru posted 6/6/2014 20:43 PM

I am in a strange place and feeling quite confused, angry, and alone. I am hoping someone out there can relate to what I'm going through. I just don't know what to make of what's happened and where to go from here.

Background: my husband and I were married for 15 years with 2 kids before we decided to separate over a year ago. It was his idea to separate, but I agreed because things had been going downhill for several years and I thought this might give us a chance to reflect and improve the marriage by trying something different. We agreed not to see other people during the separation and were in counseling. Things didn't improve after couple months, and we started talking about the possibility of divorce. However, we also talked about saving the marriage and our love for each other. He had moved out, but we were still sleeping together. I was 100% committed to him and believed we had a lot to fight for.

While we were in the thick of this separation, he met someone (who was recently divorced). I don't know her, but I've seen pictures of her. They began a steamy, emotionally and physically intense relationship that only lasted 2 months, but they were inseparable during it. He stopped talking to me and became very unreachable (wouldn't answer his phone, didn't go to therapy, ignored my emails and texts). I was confused and scared by this sudden shift and too naive and dense to put the pieces together, but I did consult with a lawyer and started accepting that divorce was likely inevitable. I tried accepting that he didn't love me and didn't want to be married to me, but I still held on to hope that he'd change his mind and come home.

The other woman eventually broke up with him, and he came back home and told me he wanted to work things out (but didn't tell me about her straight away and edited some important details, like when the relationship started, the seriousness of it, and why it ended). I was devastated when I found out but tried to put it behind us and focus on the present, not the past. However, even though he swore he was committed to me again and had ended things with her, he continued communicating with her: texts, emails, and calls proclaiming his love and affection for her and his contempt for me (I found this out accidentally when I saw a text pop up on his phone when he had left the room, but I then started snooping in his phone to monitor the messages, emails, and call logs, something I hated myself for but felt I had to do because he denied having any contact with her).

It's 1 year later. I am still with him. She is totally out of the picture and has moved on with someone else: she hasn't texted or called him in 5 months. Because I've taken him back, several of my friends and family members have lost respect for me. I think I've lost respect for myself. I NEVER thought I'd tolerate infidelity, even if it did happen during a separation. I certainly didn't think I'd tolerate lies. My husband gets so angry when I refer to this relationship as an affair or when I ask him for information about it. He says we were separated, so it wasn't an affair and that it's none of my business. He was still my husband when he started sleeping with this other woman. How else am I supposed to think about it other than an affair that IS my buisness?

I've been told to "get over it" many times. The problem is that my feelings of anger and betrayal and jealousy seem to get worse, not better, with time. I find myself obsessing about her: how I compare (I'm ten years older, 10 pounds heavier, several cup sizes smaller, and don't have a blonde hair on my head), why he left me for her (is she more fun? Smarter? More adventurous), what she has that I don't, what they did in bed, etc. It's pathetic! But I can't stop.

I love my husband. I've been with him since I was a teenager. He was my "one," and I thought I was his, but according to the love letters he wrote to her, she was his one and only. I no longer trust him. I no longer feel special to him. I am so angry. I don't understand why, 1 year later, I still feel this way. What's wrong with me? Why did I take him back only to feel this angry?

saturnpatrick posted 6/6/2014 20:53 PM

I'm so sorry that you find yourself here, but I am also very happy that you find yourself here. The folks here are very wise and will have lots of helpful advice for you.

This IS an affair. The secret keeping. The trickle truth. The other woman and all the time he spent with her and attention he gave her. These are hallmarks of an affair. It doesn't matter if you were separated. You were still married.


I've been told to "get over it" many times.

By who?

He says we were separated, so it wasn't an affair and that it's none of my business.

Bull shit.

My husband gets so angry when I refer to this relationship as an affair or when I ask him for information about it.

The problem is that my feelings of anger and betrayal and jealousy seem to get worse, not better, with time.

The above two are related. Your husband is not showing any remorse, and you need that to heal. No exceptions.

Check out the healing library (link in yellow box at upper left hand corner of page.) Read the BS FAQ (stand for Betrayed Spouse). Read about the 180. Unfortunately, your husband may not change his attitude right away. The 180 is designed to give you personal strength.

inknots posted 6/6/2014 21:41 PM

My strong feeling upon reading this is that he had already met this woman when he decided he wanted the separation. The affair had already begun. He asked for the separation so he could have a trial run at the affair without you knowing or him having to be 'the bad guy' to everyone you both know. And if the affair did not work out, then he could come back to you and say it wasn't cheating, because you guys were supposedly already separated when they met.

Only I think she/the affair was the reason/catalyst for the separation. I would have a VERY hard time believing otherwise.

I am sorry you are going through this. Please do not allow him to dismiss your feelings or gaslight you.

saturnpatrick posted 6/6/2014 21:45 PM

What inknots said crossed my mind also. I would not be surprised.

jjct posted 6/7/2014 05:07 AM

It WAS an affair. He's the one telling you it wasn't? & is he the one telling you to "get over it"?

Well then, CLOSE THE BAKERY.

You're angry because you haven't allowed yourself to process the emotions of being betrayed. You don't need anyone's "permission" you know, you got you!

I'm glad you found us. Look at your name! It's not "gettingover", it's goingthru!!!

So, put your bitch boots on, and STOP putting up with a remorse-LESS, cake-eating assclown.
You are going to heal - whether he's remorseful or not - but you can't fix him, or put it there.

You're healing. Right now.
What will accelerate your healing is getting further into you - embracing yourself, seeing your own value, your worthiness! And stop tolerating lies. Just stop. Walk AWAY!
It stops when YOU say it stops - it really is that simple.
The 180 is the healing tool for you. It is designed for your healing and strength when faced with an unremorseful, lying cake-eater who abuses your good nature.
STOP!
http://survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11

Live it. Love it. It is for you and you alone. It is not a tool to manipulate him into seeing the light and doing what's right, it is only for you.

NeverAgain2013 posted 6/7/2014 05:54 AM

He says we were separated, so it wasn't an affair and that it's none of my business. He was still my husband when he started sleeping with this other woman. How else am I supposed to think about it other than an affair that IS my buisness?

Well my, isn't HE self-entitled?

Did he think he was doing you some kind of huge favor by coming back to you only after she dumped his ass and was done with him? That should have earned him a one-way trip to the curb and would have, had it been me.

And yes, it WAS an affair because the terms of your separation were NOT to date other people but to work on the marriage to see if you were going to sink or swim. Is he so freakin selfish and self-entitled that he doesn't see that once he came back home, texting this woman and telling how he couldn't stand YOU and was so in love with HER isn't the epitome of disrespect and cheating?????

Goingthru, I can see why a lot of your friends aren't happy with your decision to take this man back. He came back because he had nowhere else to go, and tricked you into thinking it was because he wanted to be back. Based on his text messages to this woman proclaiming his love for her long after she dumped his sorry ass and right up to him continually telling you to shut up and get over it, just proves he's only there because he has nowhere else to go.

I also believe that he had met her before your separation and she was the reason he suggested a separation. Men very rarely make decisions to separate unless they have someone waiting in the wings.

Unfortunately, your friends and family are able to see what you can't because you're looking through the eyes of love. But this man honestly has no respect at all for you, no empathy for you, and he has absolutely zero regard for your emotional well-being or security. He feels totally justified in what he did, he has zero remorse for having done it, and I honestly believe if this woman called him tomorrow he'd be over there before she hung up the phone.

You deserve so much better, Goingthru.


cannotforgive posted 6/7/2014 06:27 AM

I am sorry you are in this situation.

I also think that he had the affair while he was married to you.
The separation was a trial run for him and it did not work.
She was plan A and you are plan B. I would really think hard if you want to stay with someone who has you as a back up plan.
The fact that he is saying to you to 'get over it' says it all really.He is not remorseful.


Will he agree to marriage counseling to save your marriage? If not, then I would suspect he might do this to you again.

Restartting posted 6/7/2014 07:26 AM

I also agree that this was an affair. You had agreed that your marriage was not over, agreed to remain monogamous while separated, and when he came back home, he did so under while lying to you about this relationship and then continued the EA aspect of it while you were together. No matter where your relationship was at that time, you had mutually set boundaries and he busted right through them, betrayed your trust, and then lied to you about it

You are angry because it was an affair and he isn't doing a thing to help you work through it. There is no just get over it. He needs to seriously change his tune.

redsox13 posted 6/7/2014 08:22 AM

It was an affair and he knows it. You separated with the intent to work on your marriage. You had an agreement. He broke it.

WarpSpeed posted 6/7/2014 10:01 AM

We agreed not to see other people during the separation and were in counseling.


That's all you need to point back to in terms of determining if it was an affair.

You were married, separated and agreed not to see people during the separation.

How does he respond to you presenting that set of facts?

I love my husband. I've been with him since I was a teenager. He was my "one," and I thought I was his, but according to the love letters he wrote to her, she was his one and only. I no longer trust him. I no longer feel special to him. I am so angry. I don't understand why, 1 year later, I still feel this way. What's wrong with me? Why did I take him back only to feel this angry?

Nothing's "wrong" with you. You're in pain because you are trying to heal from a betrayal and your "one" isn't trying to help you.

If he is someone worth going through this pain for, he should be helping you heal. Healing is hard work and it is unbelievably hard when you're taking the job on all alone.

You've come to a great place to figure out how to move forward. Keep posting.

[This message edited by WarpSpeed at 10:02 AM, June 7th (Saturday)]

Better4it posted 6/7/2014 12:19 PM

Hi goingthru,

Welcome to SI. I'm sorry you're having to deal with the mess that your WH brought into your marriage. I agree with the others. Your H did engage in an A. You may have agreed to the separation but you also agreed not to see other people. I too believe from reading your story that your H was already in the A when he asked for the separation.

I'd encourage you to seek out a good therapist to help guide you through this grieving process. I'd also encourage you to see a lawyer to see what your rights are incase of a D. Keep posting here on SI. Sometimes just writing your feelings will help you get rid of the pain your feeling.

RippedSoul posted 6/7/2014 16:14 PM

Like all the other posters, goingthru, I think it was, indeed, an affair. Next time he uses that line, point out that the word doesn't matter but the actions do: he saw someone while you were separated, he saw someone while you were in counseling, he was intimate with you while seeing someone else (so made you the OW in a freaky twist), he continued contacting her after committing to you, he expressed his love and affection to another woman while married AND together with you, he "dissed" you to her while supposedly together with you, and he kept this all secret. He doesn't have to call it an affair, but that's what it was and HE KNOWS IT.

I've been told to "get over it" many times. The problem is that my feelings of anger and betrayal and jealousy seem to get worse, not better, with time. I find myself obsessing about her: how I compare (I'm ten years older, 10 pounds heavier, several cup sizes smaller, and don't have a blonde hair on my head), why he left me for her (is she more fun? Smarter? More adventurous), what she has that I don't, what they did in bed, etc. It's pathetic! But I can't stop.

This is what really concerns me, though. He may not always be a part of your life. You, however, will always be your constant companion. You can't control anything he does, but you have control over yourself. Please understand how empowering it is to take charge--especially in a situation like this. Decide today how you will pamper yourself, how you will improve your life, how you will work on your own happiness and fulfillment, how you will repair your self-esteem. And do it for yourself, not for him. Don't lose the 10 pounds for him or because of her; lose 5 or 25 or gain 15 because it's what you want to do, because it's what will make you feel healthy and beautiful. Have you always loved pink but he hates it? Buy something pink. Not to "get back" at him, but to show yourself that your opinion matters more than his. Do whatever it is that you've always wanted to do but haven't because he held you back: learn piano, pick up a foreign language, travel, earn a(nother) degree, have a manicure, redecorate your bedroom, sign up for a women's retreat, join a club/group you've always been intrigued by (bungee-jumping, hang-gliding, stamp-collecting, ballroom-dancing), get a new hairstyle. While you're at it, remember that even natural platinum blondes (like me) get cheated on. It really doesn't matter who we ARE; it matters who they AREN'T.

saturnpatrick posted 6/7/2014 23:44 PM

Your husband is not showing any remorse, and you need that to heal. No exceptions.

Hi goingthru -- just want to clarify something I said earlier. If you are going to R, then you need him to show some remorse. No exceptions.

You can absolutely heal without him. If he doesn't show remorse then kick him to the curb and start working on healing by yourself. There are lots of folks here who can offer you wonderful advice for that.

[This message edited by saturnpatrick at 11:44 PM, June 7th (Saturday)]

goingthru posted 6/8/2014 14:16 PM

Thanks, everyone, for the feedback and encouragement. I'm glad I found this place.

Bookworm428 posted 6/8/2014 15:51 PM

I'm so sorry this happened to you, but...just a few things:
1. It WAS an affair. Him saying that it wasn't is just his way of trying to deflect responsibility.
2. It is ABSOLUTELY your business. 100% is. Especially since you are still married.
3. The reason you're still angry is because he's not letting you cope emotionally with the fact that this happened. My husband wouldn't let me do this--even though it was only three months later, he kept telling me that I "should have gotten over it already". We had a serious discussion over a few days about it and I got to vent and let out all of my thoughts and feelings and anger. It made me feel so much better and in such a better place to begin to ACTUALLY work on our marriage.

Guys (sorry to any guys who read this that this DOESN'T apply to!) TEND to not want to confront things head on. He's trying to deflect and he's trying to supress and this is just not going to work for you in this situation. At very least you need to go to marriage counseling. Also, don't lose respect for yourself. Stand up for yourself and what you want and need--with your husband, with your family, with your friends. They have no right to judge you--it's YOUR marriage, not theirs. That being said, you deserve to get what you want and what you need out of it. You need to really think about that and if you want it to work, he HAS to work with you. Marriage is NOT a one-way street and that's what it sounds like he's acting like.
Sorry, sweetie. I hope you keep us posted. (If you feel comfortable with that) We're here to support and help you. We're going through this too, with you.

doggiediva posted 6/8/2014 16:31 PM

Whatever choices he makes while you are still married, if you aren't legally separated , can and may come back to haunt you..
So yea, what he does is 100% your business..
I am separated in house with my WH and I consider just about everything that he does (except what he eats or how he touches his body) my business...A lot of stuff he does, I could just care less..But until we divorce any financial decision he makes is 100% my business..

Your WH has to be 100% in the marriage and be concerned about you and your feelings more than his own to R with you..

If the above doesn't describe your WH, and you have the means,go ahead and proceed with divorce or legal separation..At the very least, step back, close down the bakery and/ or any concern for his welfare / schedule/convenience..

IMHO it wouldn't help in getting rid of your anger or even to progress to healing if your WH makes a horrendous choice ( while you are still married ) and this choice ends up dragging you down with him...

I say the above knowing that I am taking similar risks as you because I am separated ( not legally or physically )...I don't have the means to file yet and there is no such thing as legal separation in our state...So my WH is kind of underfoot

I hope you read the thread "Before you Reconcile"..It will definitely validate what you are feeling...IC would be good at this point but put MC on the back burner...

[This message edited by doggiediva at 4:45 PM, June 8th (Sunday)]

happyman64 posted 6/9/2014 09:10 AM

goingthru

These feelings you are having will destroy your marriage.

Sure his actions were deceitful.
Sure his actions were very hurtful.

But you let him back. You wanted to reconcile all along.

What does he tell you he wants?

What do you really want?

And no matter what do two things:

A. Tell him his "get over it" is disrespectful and hurtful to you. Either he stops it or he loses you forever.

B. Get some therapy. Learn to deal with your anger and work with your therapist to decide what you truly want in your life.

Once you reach that decision if it includes him then you both see a great MC.

Start thinking of you first and formemost, not what he did.

Once you get your head in the right place then you can deal with him and his dishonesty (cheating).

Make all your long term decisions from a place of strength not emotion.

HM

I think I can posted 6/10/2014 10:35 AM

Did he initiate the separation? I'd consider the possibility that the affair started before you separated.

goingthru posted 6/10/2014 10:44 AM

I tried the 180 for a day. It was hard but felt good. Then I slipped last night as we were watching a movie together, because the lead actress looks a lot like the OW. I started crying and left the room. He didn't follow. I should have persisted with the 180 and done something for myself, but I didn't: I pursued him. I went back in the room and told him why I had left the room and that I was feeling really hurt. He said nothing. I asked if he was willing to help me deal with this. He said, "no." He told me I'm creating a false victim story and playing the blame game and that if I'm not over it by now (it's been 5 months of no contact) then he's done.

Back to the 180. I"m doing it for myself. I think I need to accept that he has no remorse and likely will do it again.

I need to move past this. It's not fair to him and it's not fair to me, but it's clear that I won't have his help.

I don't feel hopeful, but I feel empowered. Thanks to everyone for the support.

strongerdaybyday posted 6/10/2014 10:48 AM

I've been told to "get over it" many times. The problem is that my feelings of anger and betrayal and jealousy seem to get worse, not better, with time. I find myself obsessing about her: how I compare

I've heard this and felt like this. ((HUGS))

Pages: 1 · 2

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 SurvivingInfidelity.com ®. All Rights Reserved.