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Newest Member: chinaandback (61844)

User Topic: Should my WH even have visitation right now?
♀ 43252
Member # 43252
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I filed for divorce a month ago. Actually, still waiting for him to answer. But he left me and the kids 3 months ago. He won't tell me where he lives. The first month I know it was hotels, I saw the charges and confirmations. But the past 6-8 weeks nothing. When I asked back then and what do I do in an emergency he said he can be reached by phone. Last week my L asked his L at the emergency hearing for my sole possession on home if he has a stable living environment he'd like to tell us about. His L said no. He works out of state about 1 1/2 hr away so I know he's there. I offered him wed nights 3 hours ( he took only 2) and one weekend day for 5 hours. My twins are only 4 so they can't be gone more with nowhere to go but chuck e cheese and parks. But part of me wonders if technically he shouldn't be picking them up for visitations without a home base.

Tomorrow he's picking up his things here and I asked him if he's ready to tell me where he's living and moving his things to. He ignored the email but answered my financial email. Of course he received it.

I can't believe how such a professional man can be so deadbeat. Of course I know he's living with OW otherwise he'd tell me. As if it all won't come out?

Anyway, should this have any affect on visitation? He obviously has no interest in more time with the kids sadly. I don't want to deprived kids of him but he just picks them up and I don't know where they are going until return. That bothers me.

Dday March 11, 2014. Found out my husband of almost 10 years was having an affair, first emotional then physical for 6 months.
Divorced 2/2016

Posts: 2524 | Registered: Apr 2014
♂ 42867
Member # 42867
Default  Posted: 10:08 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Seems like the best person to answer this might be your L.

I don't think it would be a reason to deny visitation unless you could show an effect (negative) on the kids that would outweigh his parental rights.

If you really need to know his address, (why?), you can likely use formal discovery in the lawsuit- interrogatories or a deposition. It would cost.

Good luck with that. I know you are going through hell, and it isn't your fault.

No matter how painful, life either adapts or it dies.

BH (Me) 49
WW 48
Married 1985
D-Day Mar 19, 2014
1 year passionate EA/PA, ended by me on d-day.
Attempting to R

Posts: 446 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: PNW
♀ 43252
Member # 43252
Default  Posted: 10:33 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My L knows and still suggested some sort of visitation because of course seeing their dad is in my kids' best interest. She was going for supervised visits and had an emergency motion filed but we did a trial run by themselves with him and it went well. This was after some drama he pulled and I discussed in previous posts.

I just think a responsible father would let his soon to be ex wife know where he's living. Also, my kids over all are doing ok but it's been very hard on them not knowing where daddy lays his head every night (I can only imagine!!). They have worry that's not needed. I've been able to answer all their questions except that one. I just say daddy is still looking and stays at different places by his work. WTF else can I say? Totally irresponsible on his part. They have a great child therapist and I'm in IC.

I tell every man I know if they ever plan on leaving their families to please have a plan of where you'll be and let your children know.

Dday March 11, 2014. Found out my husband of almost 10 years was having an affair, first emotional then physical for 6 months.
Divorced 2/2016

Posts: 2524 | Registered: Apr 2014
♀ 10506
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 11:24 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Until you have a court order the compels him to tell you where he lives (which is standard), then you need to tread carefully. Otherwise he can claim that you are keeping the kids from him.

What you CAN do is insist that you must have the address and land line IF he is keeping them overnight. You should never allow your children to go anywhere, including with your X, if you do not know where they are and how to reach them in case of emergency.

If he is only taking visitation for a few hours then let them go as long as you have his cell phone number.

Now what is important is that you document, document, document. Get a calendar or a notebook or a word doc and document every communication and interaction he has with the kids. Document the good along with the bad. Document EVERYTHING, that way the court (and he) cannot claim that you were biased in your record keeping. Try to communicate only via email or text so you have a written record of everything that was said. If you ever do talk to him over the phone or in person, follow up with an email summarizing what was discussed.

Finally, you need to let go of control over what he is doing. You cannot control him. And the court believes that what he does during visitation is no concern of yours as long as the kids are safe. It sucks, but you need to embrace it.

Good luck and (((hugs)))

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17695 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
Sad in AZ
♀ 24239
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 11:51 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Something to consider: You don't have a legal agreement with regard to the kids. He could take them and you could have a hell of a time getting them back. Have you addressed this with your attorney?

I don't see how you can keep them from him, but you should do everything in your power to have a written agreement about handing off and returning the kids.

You are important and you matter. Your feelings matter. Your voice matters. Your story matters. Your life matters. Always.

Me: FBS (no longer betrayed nor a spouse)-62
Him: WXH-62
D-day: 2007 (two years before finding SI)
S: 6/2010; D: 3/2011

Posts: 25302 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Arizona
♀ 32214
Member # 32214
Default  Posted: 12:03 AM, June 7th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know that I would ever let my kids go somewhere when I didn't know where they are going. That would drive me batty. It does not sound very responsible for him to keep the information from you unless there is a really valid reason. I don't know, this is a tough one.

Me - BS
Him - FWS
DD - December 14, 2010
Married 43 years 1/14/2011
Affair lasted 7+ years
Affair had been over for 2 years before I found out. OW sent me a letter.

Posts: 1373 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Kansas
♀ 43252
Member # 43252
Default  Posted: 12:51 AM, June 7th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't talk to him on the phone, everything is email or some text. But mostly email and I am documenting everything thanks to this site :). I log everything including how the kids are upon return and even before they leave. We do have his visitation legally set from court last week when our lawyers put it in writing. He has no overnights because of no stable living environment that he would share with us.

I do have to let go of control when he's with them and I don't have concern for their safety. Although anyone that walks out on their family with no communication isn't obviously in their right mind IMO, unfortunately, not in the courts opinion. It just sucks. My L knows there's no address and let this happen, not sure legally I could've stopped it. I offered these hours and he took them. I did it for my children. They miss him terribly and were always wondering when he'd see them next. He refused to commit to a schedule so my L had to do it for him.

Thanks for the help everyone.

Dday March 11, 2014. Found out my husband of almost 10 years was having an affair, first emotional then physical for 6 months.
Divorced 2/2016

Posts: 2524 | Registered: Apr 2014
♀ 42192
Member # 42192
Default  Posted: 12:57 AM, June 7th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The moron does not hVe a fixed address that he cares to share with me. Given that I am not allowing the children to visit with him at a location I am not aware of. He has had them over night (twice) at our mutual friends house .

Beyond that he is welcome to take them to McDonald's or visit with them at a local park/family home/ shopping centre,

On any given day you have the power to say "my story is not going to end like this"
Me 41 BS
Him 41 WH
6 kids...7 weeks, 5,7,9,11&13
D day jan 29th 2014

Posts: 536 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Land down under
Topic Posts: 8

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