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Newest Member: Thefighter (60790)

User Topic: Having tough time knowing WH dating
♀ 43241
Member # 43241
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had to post, we are not in R, we just finalized mediation and will be filing soon. Plans to split finances by July. I have had a few months to process what's happening, but it's not any easier. WH met OW while traveling for work so she doesn't live here. They have secretly met in April, DDay2, I know they spent time again on his last trip in late April. I confronted WH when he booked a flight for her to come to town with our miles. He cancelled it after his sister told him how hurtful it would be. Why he booked this weekend, I don't know. My problem is that we haven't split finances, so yes, I'm mad. Heck, we aren't even filed yet, so all of this feels like a constant affair. Anyway, he secretly planned this weekend with her. I don't know how, I think he must have gotten a new credit card. I feel so mad, rejected, sad, and reality smacking me in then face again. I don't want to R, I just wish he could wait. Wait for filing, wait for finances split, I don't know, wait for divorce? That was my whole complaint on the affair, if he truly wanted to end our marriage, do it right, then move on. Why are they so selfish and think that this hurt and pain is ok? He constantly says he wants us to be good co parents, with these actions, i don't want to ever see him again. We are sharing the marital house until it's sold. How can I be civil in front of the kids? I want to send an email and tell him I don't want to be in the same room as him again. I don't know what's better, NC, so he thinks he got away with it, or an angry email, that darn it, shows I'm not healing.

D-Day 1/24/14
D-Day2 04/08/14, false R
17yrs married, 23yrs together
Two kids in middle school
Divorced 10/2014

Posts: 203 | Registered: Apr 2014
♀ 41741
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 10:15 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry this is happening. I would send the email setting your boundaries and be firm. You can hold your head high and make sure he realizes how you will deal with it. With kids you can't really have no contact, but you can only speak to him about kids and finances. Make that part of your email. If the kids ask, explain in an age appropriate way. Don't lie to them. This sucks; I am sorry this is going on.

Me FBS around 40
Him FWS early 40s (lovemywife4ever)
He cheated before M, forgot to tell me
"Free at last, free at last, thank God Almighty we are free at last" - MLK Jr

Posts: 2184 | Registered: Dec 2013
♀ 42654
Member # 42654
Default  Posted: 2:36 AM, June 7th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ugh. I had typed almost . My whole response when my phone died. Grrr.

I agree that you should communicate your rules and boundaries while you are still living in the same home.
Is it not possible for him to stay elsewhere in the meantime, for your sanity's sake?

I think you should avoid any communication with him that pertains to your emotions for the most part. He doesn't deserve it. However, I do think it is completely appropriate to relay to him how you see what he has done and the consequence trail he is leaving behind.

As a husband your expectations of him were that he would cherish you, protect you, support you through life's trials, be your best friend and confidant, your lover, the one who had your back when you needed it most, one who would grow with and change with you as you grew older, one who was committed to the vows you made at an altar before God, a co-parent who would love your children with you, nurture them, make memories that would last them a lifetime, show them by example what it is to be a man of integrity, a husband of integrity, a father of integrity, build them up to be strong, confident people who knew they were valued and loved, to show them how to have boundaries and goals, to prepare them to have relationships and marriages and be parents themselves someday.

Instead of cherishing you he abandoned you. Instead of protecting your heart he betrayed you. Instead of having your back he stabbed you in it. Instead of being your lover he gave himself to someone else. Instead of changing with you he pulled away from you. Instead if growing old with you he has ended your marriage and smashed your solemn vows on a selfish whim.
Instead of nurturing your children he is taking from them. He is stealing from them the opportunity to grow up with two parents in a bonded family and taking with him all of the memories they should have had growing up in an unbroken, supportive family; memories with their mom and dad together and the comfort that brings. Instead of showing them what it is to be a man, husband and father of integrity he has shown them what it is to cheat, lie, abandon, be selfish and choose himself over his family and inflict immense pain on his life partner and children. Instead of contributing to their confidence he has ripped away their foundation. Instead of showing them they are valued and loved he has demonstrated that his selfish desires come before their welfare and emotional well-being. Instead of teaching them how to have boundaries he has crossed every one and trampled those around him in his wake. Instead of living an example of how to manage healthy, loving, supportive marriage he has set them up for fear of intimacy, fear of being abandoned, fear to trust others promises, fear that they will never find a love that can stand the tests and trials that life brings. He has greatly increased the possibility of promiscuity, self loathing, self doubt and fear of rejection. Instead of learning by example what is is to be a parent of integrity, the lesson they will most likely adapt for themselves will hopefully be that they will promise themselves never to be like their dad so they won't hurt their own children.
This is his legacy. This is what he leaves behind to those he claimed to have loved. This is what his children will battle with for years to come.

I think if you gave him a taste of this it would be a healing step for you and a way to stick up for your children when they can't for themselves.
I also think that you should tell him that one of your requirements is that he sit down with the 'family' and be the one to explain to your children why your family will no longer be together and...if he refuses, that you will do it for him. The children deserve the truth (minus all the gory details).

Im so sorry. My heart breaks for you. I can't imagine having to co-exist in the same home with an active cheater while you prepare to divorce. Noone should have to deal with that. You are in my prayers and I'm here if you need to talk. (Dont know if you can pm yet?) Do you have friends or family you feel safe relying on for comfort and support?

H: 50
Dday #1 Oct 2007 (Porn for 2 yrs)
Dday #2 May 2013 (Porn for 5 more yrs))
Dday#3 May 2014 (finally admitted to drunk kissing OW in 1994: the 2nd drunken kiss with another woman during our M)
DD 22 and DS 18
Married 1993

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
Topic Posts: 3

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