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Free the Nip

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Matilda23 posted 6/6/2014 22:59 PM

Today was my first full week at my new location. I transferred locations because of a few reasons. First and foremost, it was to make BBF feel safe because OM would come and do transactions. Second I needed to get out of a promiscuous work environment. Third I need to make myself safe so being in a new environment meant I could create new boundaries and continue building my boundaries.

I have learned to not get personally with anyone at my new location. Just stay friendly but not open. However the girls here seem like the girls at my old location. I can't seem to get away. I guess that's why they say build your boundaries. Anyways yesterday a young girl about my age talked about how women are protesting about freeing the nip (I hope this does not fall into politics), as men can and we can't. She talked about how she would have done it if there were a protest here. I got me thinking, before me trying to heal myself I would have considered it "if I had bigger boobs". But now that I am working on myself, I would not because I would feel like I'm lowering my self worth and self respect because I would be getting the wrong attention. It's so hard for me to see her be so okay with it since we are about the same age.

Idk, maybe I just view things differently. It really just makes me feel sad.

EvolvingSoul posted 6/7/2014 00:50 AM

Oh, big yay.

Stay the course. You are making progress.

absolut posted 6/7/2014 07:49 AM

Just to clarify, what did she mean by that?

210012 posted 6/7/2014 09:55 AM

I'd probably participate too, to be honest. Not for male attention but kinda the reverse- to protest the message that women are responsible for men's reactions and so should cover up more than men. Of course I'm generally comfortable with nudity and don't necessarily connect it to sexuality- I've drawn at many live figure model sessions, I'm interested in yoga and massage, etc. I think provocative clothing, flirtatious shyness, and artifice sends a much more sexual message than full un-self-conscious nudity, with all "flaws" exposed. Maybe your coworker is thinking along these lines as well? Or not...

SisterMilkshake posted 6/7/2014 10:16 AM

Good for you, Matilda. You realized you may have participated for the attention not for the "Cause".

Which, I feel, is a worthless cause here in America. We are not culturally in that mindset of breasts not being sexualized. Just a fact and it isn't going to change even if we "Free the Nip".

tfkeel posted 6/7/2014 10:16 AM

I can't seem to get away. I guess that's why they say build your boundaries.

Yes. And they are correct. The boundaries have to be within you in order to be effective. There's nowhere you can go where temptation and leadership in the astray direction won't exist.

20WrongsVs1 posted 6/7/2014 15:13 PM

women are protesting about freeing the nip

OMFG, First-World problems. Sorry, but girls are killed for going to school, women are raped and hung from trees, and Western women are protesting that it's unfair for it to be illegal for them to go topless?

ETA: hit submit prematurely.

It really just makes me feel sad.

Me too. Your coworker sounds about as deep as a quarter, and I'm glad you're more mature than she.

[This message edited by 20WrongsVs1 at 3:18 PM, June 7th, 2014 (Saturday)]

Schadenfreude posted 6/7/2014 17:18 PM

How much of the crowd will bee exhibitionists (women) and voyeurs (men)?

Isn't the ability to smoke marijuana legally enough freedom for now?

Mrs Panda posted 6/7/2014 20:32 PM

So... You don't want to expose the nip. I respect that entirely. I would not either! Which is a great choice when you have issues with body image and boundaries and sexual bad judgement. THe fact that you are thinking in terms of "maybe if I has bigger breasts" even in past tense shows you have a long way to go and misses the whole point.

but please don't punish or judge your young feminist friend for her beliefs. Don't project your issues onto her. She has a right to choose her way and it has nothing to do with infidelity or sexuality. She may be confident in her body and is using it in a statement , not a boob competition. It is political, as you said.

[This message edited by Mrs Panda at 8:33 PM, June 7th (Saturday)]

Matilda23 posted 6/7/2014 20:37 PM

Evolvingsoul,
Thank you for your kind words. I know it's going to a long road ahead of me, but I want to be healthy, safe, and no more wayward thinking.

absolut,
I'm not sure what you mean, which part are you referencing?

SisterMilkshake,

Which, I feel, is a worthless cause here in America. We are not culturally in that mindset of breasts not being sexualized. Just a fact and it isn't going to change even if we "Free the Nip".
Thank you. I agree that it is a worthless cause here. Before I would have thought it was okay. If men can do it, why can't women? Not thinking about the underlying issue of why I wanted to do it. Now, that I am digging deeper, I know I would be looking for validation and attention from men.

tfkeel,
I agree the boundaries have to be within me. I never had boundaries, at home, school, or even in the workplace. So for me to set up boundaries and move out of an unsafe environment was a start. That way I could practice them and not my old coworkers break them down. This is where it all beginnings.

20WrongsVs1,
I agree this is a first world problem. I stand for women's rights but I feel like our body should be topless at home for your SO. Before I would have thought differently. Our society has sexualized breasts and that won't change.

Matilda23 posted 6/7/2014 20:42 PM

Mrs Panda,
I was not trying to punish her fir expressing her thoughts. It just made me realize that I would have done it for the wrong cause. She is open about things like that and proud of it. That is just who she is, but I just saw my mind flip from being okay with it to not being okay with it. I'm sorry. I was not trying to make it political but more of a realization I had with myself.

Stillstings posted 6/8/2014 21:44 PM

I might be in the wrong here but how is this appropriate work conversation?

william posted 6/9/2014 03:55 AM

"Just stay friendly but not open."

"Anyways yesterday a young girl about my age talked about how women are protesting about freeing the nip..."

not being open is cutting these conversations off or not participating in them. participating or even sitting around listening to them = encouraging more and more similar such conversations which then lead to being open. the easiest way is to cut it off early because it gets harder and harder to do so the longer and more the conversations about personal stuff continues.

Matilda23 posted 6/9/2014 22:43 PM

Stillstings,

The conversations are never appropriate I just thought if I listen but don't say anything then I'm setting the right boundaries. But after reading what William has to say I need to walk away when topic like this comes up so it don't get personal with the girls.

William,

Thank you. I really needed to hear that. I do keep myself involved and have not set clear boundaries at work. It's still a new location for me so I need to be stronger and walk away when personal things are said so I don't get sucked in. Thank you.

william posted 6/10/2014 06:07 AM

yw matilda

i had the same problem when i got my first serious promotion in the marines. i tried to be "friends" and "leader". id tell them to do something and they would give me "but i thought we are buddies, why cant you ask X instead and blah blah blah". it took me about 6 months to figure out how to be friendly to them yet to also not be open - remote but not so remote that they felt a big distance that could also impair the job. its a balancing act and it definitely takes time to learn. realizing that it needs to be done is well over half the battle.

you are doing well. dont worry.

SlowUptake posted 6/10/2014 08:20 AM

I'm going to be the voice of dissent here.

What's the big deal?

A young women in the workplace is voicing a somewhat political opinion.
Her obviously flawed logic of 'Since men can, why can't women' is not taking into account the sexualisation of womens' breasts, this would indicate she's not a deep thinker.
(I agree with 20WrongsVs1 here. Really, first world problems)

To her credit

She wasn't trashing her SO.

She wasn't boasting about stealing another woman's man.

She wasn't spilling personal relationship issues.

She wasn't being bigoted or racist.

She wasn't gossiping about someone else.

She was being upfront and honest.

Here Matilda23 is where I have a suggestion.

Perhaps you should have spoken up, expressed your opposing opinion on the subject while respecting the young girl's right to have hers (misguided and vacuous as it is in my opinion).

That way you also would be upfront and honest, while enforcing your boundaries.

edited: for spelling

[This message edited by SlowUptake at 8:23 AM, June 10th (Tuesday)]

william posted 6/10/2014 08:32 AM

its because the work on boundaries IS being done.

"I transferred locations because of a few reasons. First and foremost, it was to make BBF feel safe because OM would come and do transactions. Second I needed to get out of a promiscuous work environment. Third I need to make myself safe so being in a new environment meant I could create new boundaries and continue building my boundaries."

the point isnt that the conversation was about freeing the nip - good or bad. frankly, thats not the relevant point. the relevant point is that matilda is working hard on establishing boundaries at work. she wants to be friendly but not open. thats what she has chosen her boundary to be so she is working on enforcing it. getting involved in a conversation about freeing the nip isnt being friendly but not open, its being (perhaps) friendly and also its being open. she doesnt want that, she wants to create a space between her and her co-workers because changing work environments from that "of a promiscuous work environment" to one where "the girls here seem like the girls at my old location" and a feeling that she "can't seem to get away" from that.

her attempt to build stronger boundaries to insulate and protect herself from this environment is admirable.

SlowUptake posted 6/10/2014 09:17 AM

her attempt to build stronger boundaries to insulate and protect herself from this environment is admirable.

Absolutely and totally agree with you without reservation!

Just disagree that simply walking away is the best way to do it.
Because then the coworkers aren't aware of the reason, therefore aren't aware of the boundary.
What good is a boundary that insulates and protects you from people, if they are unaware of it?

[This message edited by SlowUptake at 9:20 AM, June 10th (Tuesday)]

william posted 6/10/2014 09:57 AM

i dont go out and drink until i get drunk. i dont associate with people who do. its a boundary. ive never had a problem with drinking, i created this boundary for myself as a young man because i saw plenty of other people who did and never wanted to get into some of the trouble they did while drunk. i dont need to tell anyone its a boundary, i just need to enforce it on my own. i can control my drinking. i can leave if someone starts to get drunk and then chose not to go out with them again. i dont need to explain anything. nor do i need to just walk away. i can always say "i need to go" and am under no requirement to say more.

telling them her boundaries just involves them in a way. she can enforce her boundaries without involving them. they arent her spouse, children, or famiy - she is in no way morally required to tell them anything. her boundaries are her own, not theirs. IMO its best to save outlining her boundaries to them until it becomes required in some way.

there are lots of options available between standing there actively talking to them about freeing the nip or whatever and just listening to it .... just as there are many options available between just listening to them and walking away. with so many options available id think either walking away or explaining the boundaries as being the extremes and there are many more subtle ways of accomplishing the same goals.

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