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My kids aren't handling this well.

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SoSorry17 posted 6/7/2014 11:30 AM

So yesterday I took the kids to therapy. BH took them before and this is the first time I meet IC. He is a really nice older gentleman, looks like typical grandpa. I was nervous, I'm trusting this man with my kids. He reassured me I could watch from another room.

I'm watching my kids interacting and they seem to be playing and talking to him. But the middle boy starts getting angry at his sister and vice versa. It turns into a screaming match with them each blaming one another and themselves for BH leaving. They think its their fault and are screaming at each other. Therapist calms them down and started getting them to talk. BH did tell them we were separating the other night. DD said "daddy says he loves us and he wants everyone to be happy and we didn't do anything wrong." DS doesn't believe it he is blaming everyone including himself. DS then asked "Does mommy love us anymore?" I'm not sure what happened after that because I was on the floor crying.

Driving home everyone is talking. They are happy school is almost over. Convo is light and they are joking. Until DS asked where we were going for vacation again. DD says "Which one?" Seems she overheard the talk BH and I had about this.

We get home and DS starts yelling for his father. He isn't there. I remind him he is staying in the barn apartment. He starts yelling and crying "Its all your fault he doesn't love us anymore." DS says he does not believe his dad loves him. DS thinks BH is going to abandon us. This again upsets DD and the youngest gets upset as well. Everyone is crying, me included. We manage dinner and we all had Disney therapy and fell asleep in our bedroom.

This is killing me. Swat lives for these kids. He loves them so much and he is a great father. This has got to be ruining him. This is my mess to fix but they want their father. I couldn't even take them to see their father because he was at work. When BH finds out about this its going to hurt him so much.

I know I have to reassure them they are loved and it isn't their fault. I've told them numerous times and we are spending as much time with them as possible.
What else can I do? My kids are devastated their dad is not here. BH is hurting but can't be here with me. Anyone have any suggestions?

Schadenfreude posted 6/7/2014 11:51 AM

Sorry, I missed the Stop Sign. So I self-deleted.

[This message edited by Schadenfreude at 11:54 AM, June 7th (Saturday)]

JaneDeaux posted 6/7/2014 12:29 PM

WS Only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:24 PM, June 7th (Saturday)]

JaneDeaux posted 6/7/2014 12:33 PM

WS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:24 PM, June 7th (Saturday)]

20WrongsVs1 posted 6/7/2014 15:01 PM

((SS17)) Yours is a situation I wouldn't wish upon anyone. But you need to suck it up and start faking it till you make it!

Everyone is crying, me included.

You crying reinforces the idea, in DCs' eyes, that *you're hurting too* because Daddy doesn't love you (all) and you're sad about him abandoning the family. That's unfair to BH, and DC. Clearly if you stay in that town, they're going to learn the truth someday...possibly as soon as this fall when school starts. I'm not saying tell them, but for God's sake, you proved during your A you were capable of compartmentalizing.

Remember emailing AP, then stepping into the next room and climbing into bed with Swat? Yeah, I did it too, so I know you're capable of Oscar-calibre performances when it suits you. So put on your costume and play the calm, collected, nurturing mother and civil co-parent in front of DC. Throw a pity party for yourself, if you must, after they're in bed.

Aubrie posted 6/7/2014 15:05 PM

^^^^^^^ Agree with 20.

SS, dry it up in front of the kids.

Sure there's a time and place for them to see their parents emotion. But for you, now is not it. Those kids are traumatized. You boohooing with them just puts more fear and uncertainty in their sweet, impressionable souls. Don't make this worse on them. Put your game face on.

Alyssamd24 posted 6/7/2014 19:17 PM

Just wondering what you and BH told your kids about the reason you are separating? It sounds like he told them....were you there also?

I agree with 20 and Aubrie....you need to be strong for your kids no matter how much you are hurting. You need to reassure them that you and BH both love them and nobody is deserting them.

SoSorry17 posted 6/8/2014 00:02 AM

Sorry it took so long to get back. Middle boy fell climbing a tree and had to take him to the ER. He has a sprained ankle. He thought it was so cool he was in the hospital and his dad, in uniform came to see him, just like we did when BH was hospitalized. Wow that stung because I had been with AP, when Swat got hurt. The kid loves that he has a blue aircast and is milking it for all the ice cream and snacks he can get. My littlest started faking a limp to so he could get some ice cream to.

I was there for the talk. Swat handled it really well I thought. He just said that we were having some problems and that for a while he wouldn't be living in the house, but he would make sure he saw them everyday. The kids were getting upset and he just told them that they were not doing anything wrong, just that mommy and daddy had agreed to spend some time apart. He told the kids to behave and listen to me.

I wanted to scream it wasn't what I wanted and that I loved him and wanted him home. But I gathered up the kids for bath time and he left.

lovemywife4ever posted 6/8/2014 08:23 AM

Sorry you are dealing with this. Our kids don't know anything because we keep it together in front of them. I don't know for how long, though. Maybe try that because then they can see you are going to be ok.

Alyssamd24 posted 6/8/2014 09:25 AM

Sorry to hear about your DS ankle...my DD is currently in love with climbing trees and it makes me so nervous!

My DD was only three when we seperated so she could only understand what was happening a little and I think because of her age it was a little easier for her to adjust to the changes.

Even though it's hard right now you and Swat have to appear to be united for the sake of your children...they need to know that they are still loved.

I understand your pain though. You remind me of myself and I know what you are going through. Please PM if you need support....this site is full of people who want to see you do well :)

SoSorry17 posted 6/8/2014 10:13 AM

Thanks.
My kids are fearless. They are tough little buggers, they take after their dad. I'm a wimp.

The kids and BH are cleaning the pool right now. Middle boy is mad he can't use the vacuum and dad is making him sit down every two seconds.

I want to thank you all for your support. This post would be huge if I acknowledged everyone. The gentle and not so gentle reminders that it is me who did this and I have to fix me. It isn't about what I need, but what BH and the kids need.

I will admit I'm struggling with everything. I KNOW Swat needs to do what he needs to do and I've not been very supportive and been very selfish. I know my kids are hurt and confused and need me to be there and not fall apart every time something isn't going my way. I never thought I would in this position, but I am so we have g to deal with it.

BH is really doing all he can for the kids and even me. So I'm reminding myself every couple of minutes to suck it up and be the best mom I can be. It isn't always about me anymore. I maybe a little slow but I'm learning. I never thought of myself as weak, but I realized that I am. I'm working on finding the strength I always thought I had.

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