"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

kickintheface posted 6/7/2014 19:30 PM

We've been married almost 13 years and I found out about the EA almost 4 years ago. I had never removed my ring as I had stayed faithful in my marriage and did not break the vows I made to my husband. He had lost his wedding band, and this past October he replaced it and seemed all proud to wear it...even though I have asked him repeatedly not too. I feel I should be the one who decides when he has earned the right to wear a ring that shows his committment. But yet, it's still on his finger. Today, out of the blue...I removed my ring for the first time since we married. I replaced it with my old high school class ring. I don't expect him to notice. I've decided he can wear his ring because I see it as a committment he made to himself...to make sure he is happy because that is all that matters to him. He sure is committed to that.

Kinda feel silly wearing a class ring from 20 years ago...but not wearing a wedding ring is very noticeable right now. And my class ring has always been beautiful to me.

Now to wait it out as I save up money over the next few years.

ThoughtIKnewYa posted 6/7/2014 19:46 PM

(((kick)))

Did something happen today? I took my ring off right away because it was supposed to be a symbol of his vows to me. Never put it back on, either!

kickintheface posted 6/7/2014 20:24 PM

It's been four years of him not really doing a thing to help me heal...you can only say sorry so many times before it starts to mean nothing. Lots of empty promises and waiting for him to do anything that shows remorse. I believe he is faithful now. I think what triggered me today was that my daughter was able to look me straight in the eye and lie to me today. He is very good at that...she must get it from him. Started thinking about all his lies (he lies about every little thing, it would be hard to believe him if he told me the sky was blue). Sometime during that thinking, I realized he was only committed to himself...so he can wear his ring now because he his committment to himself is solid unlike his committment to me. I'm not sure why I felt I needed to remove my ring...I did nothing wrong and I deserve to wear it but today I don't want to. And it's odd because I have always looked at this affair as sort of the murder of my marriage and the loss of the man I loved (kinda like a death of my husband but I am in no way saying that this is as hard as an actual death of someone you love) and I wore the ring as a reminder of that man I lost, so I'm feeling a little guilty removing it but it does feel good being off my finger. I'm a mess!

Branca posted 6/7/2014 21:05 PM

Oh (((kickintheface)))

Do you really have to wait it out? Is the money really that necessary?

If you've had 4 years of him not doing what needs to be done and he's clearly only committed to himself, why oh why are you still there with him?

kickintheface posted 6/7/2014 21:22 PM

Well, I was a SAHM for 7 years but have found a full time job and am saving up...but it will take a while. The job isn't enough to support two kids and myself even with support. I love the job though. He's not a horrible man...we just can't fix us. I'm sure we can be good friends, maybe even great friends but not until we get away from each other. So, in the meantime we live as friendly roommates...just as long as he doesn't try anything! It's not an ideal way to live, but it could be much worse.

ThoughtIKnewYa posted 6/7/2014 21:33 PM

I blow my top when our kid tries to lie to me, too!

I have think that, if you think you can be good or even great friends, you have a good foundation for a relationship. Maybe the hurt is still too much to bear, right now?

Is he a member here?

homewrecked2011 posted 6/7/2014 21:40 PM

Idea: can you make an appt w a lawyer secretly to see what you could get in a divorce? It might help you plan. I got a part of 401k, he had to pay the house for a year, he had to take on a 30,000 loan, and then I got all the equity (30,000) in the house. I get the earned income credit of 5,000 on my taxes.

Just a suggestion so you'll know where you stand.,,,,,

deena04 posted 6/7/2014 22:04 PM

Sorry you are going through this. I took my rings off a couple of weeks ago because it felt wrong wearing them. I almost felt ill wearing them. It was a freeing moment for me. I hope this step helps you.

Ostrich80 posted 6/8/2014 02:40 AM

I stopped wearing mine last fall. 4 yrs since DD1. I don't even think he's noticed but I noticed he longer wore his. It's very sad to me because I love my ring but our M is now just bullshit.

kickintheface posted 6/8/2014 06:56 AM

Thanks for all the replies. I pretty much know that separating would be even more of a struggle financially than life is now. We basically live paycheck to paycheck because we go out to eat all the time or hit up fast food places because of our crazy schedules. He knows my plan is to leave when the littlest is 18, maybe 16. We'll see. Again, he's not a bad guy...he's just not the one I want anymore after all the hurt he has caused.

I love my rings too...I feel I have the right to wear them, I've kept my promises. But I am actually loving my class ring that I put on! It's so pretty (I know that sounds really strange). No one has noticed, and I'm probably just going to say that I noticed something was loose on it if my teenage son says something. I'll say it is broken and needs to be fixed...somewhat true???

Thank you all for always being a constant comfort and encouraging word. I'm sorry we are all here, but I'm glad to have "met" you all!

kickintheface posted 6/8/2014 06:59 AM

He is not a member here...he has done little to fix the brokenness and reading the website would require too much from him. He doesn't actually say things like that, but he shows it. I've told him about this site and he knows I am a member. I've given him book suggestions, we've done a little bit of counseling...counselor wants to see him alone but he hasn't followed through on making any appts. He's the type of guy who doesn't do much for himself because mommy took care of everything for him growing up. UGH!

doggiediva posted 6/8/2014 10:57 AM

((((kickintheface))))

Unfortunately it is common place to have to save (get ducks in a row) or let things fall into a better place financially before filing for D..Especially if one spouse was a stay at home spouse for years..Or if one expects the WS to be greedy and vindictive in the D..

My previously stay at home WH ( he has been working these past 6 months-- has no savings or pension) has nothing to offer me in a D.. So I think I need to wait until a better time to file..He is entitled to go after MY pension and 401 K...

Even though our situations are different, I feel the same way as you do..If I filed for D today, without looking at my life from a pragmatic point of view, I would ruin my future for some time to come... Right now my physical suffering would greatly outweigh the emotional peace and pride that I would feel in getting the D that I want..In two years time though, if my WH is still working, the tables will be turned a little more fairly in my favor..

Some of us have little to no choice.. We have to value pragmatism when we are making decisions that involve the quality of our lives and futures..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 11:23 AM, June 8th (Sunday)]

Ostrich80 posted 6/9/2014 18:09 PM

Some of us have little to no choice.. We have to value pragmatism when we are making decisions that involve the quality of our lives and futures

Yep. When its your future your planning, sometimes it makes more sense to swallow your pride and wait. I say pride because I feel like that. I hate depending on someone I don't really care for anymore but it is what it is. Some have a diff way of viewing and would rather get out sooner but everyone has their own set of circumstances that affect their decisions.
I've been told my a,friend, I would rather live under a bridge than be treated with no respect. That's ok, that's her choice