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tigereyes posted 6/7/2014 19:39 PM

Officially separated now. I made a good effort, went back and forth a few times but there just isn't anything left. He is mean and manipulative and after a major blowout this week where he tried to run me over with his car, we have a strict no contact order for the next 6 weeks.

Since he refused to sit down with me and discuss visitation with the kids, saying I was bullying him by asking him to discuss it, he can't see or talk to the kids for 6 weeks either. Because he would have to talk to me to make those arrangements and now he isn't allowed to talk to me. I tried for months to work out visitation and he just wouldn't do it. I don't get it.

I have a storage unit that I put some things in so he wouldn't try to take them from me and he knew I put my oldest daughter who is an adult as the other person who could get into it. I could see where things were going so last week I took my daughter off of it and put down a friend he would never guess that I would grant access to. Sure enough, he tried to manipulate our daughter into getting into that storage unit and was pissed when he found out I had already taken her off. I knew he would try to manipulate her. I'm not new to his games.

I will be so glad when I no longer have to stay one step ahead of this jerk. DO you ever find yourself wondering what ever made you want to be married to your ex? Did he just totally change or was I THAT blind for that long?

caregiver9000 posted 6/7/2014 19:51 PM

Welcome to D/S. These are my favoritest peeps on the boards.

DO you ever find yourself wondering what ever made you want to be married to your ex?

Yes. I have yet to find an answer. Every time he does something stupid, which is often, I want to post a disclaimer which goes, "I swear he wasn't this stupid when I married him!" ... except I am not sure, maybe he was. Which answers your second question:

Did he just totally change or was I THAT blind for that long?

tigereyes posted 6/7/2014 19:56 PM

We were young when we got married, I was 18 and he was 19. I guess I thought he would eventually grow up. He is 41 and that hasn't happened yet so I'm guessing he is as mature as he is going to get.

I wish I had chosen a better man to be the father of my children.

Phoenix1 posted 6/7/2014 20:32 PM

DO you ever find yourself wondering what ever made you want to be married to your ex?

I used to wonder, but no longer care to look back at what I can't change. I was in lluuuvvvv and blind to his faults.

Did he just totally change or was I THAT blind for that long?

My XPOS didn't change; he has always been an unconscionable, immoral, hypocritical bastard. I was just too blind with loyalty and love to acknowledge those characteristics, and refused to acknowledge his actions because I could not wrap my head around the idea that someone could do what he has done to someone you supposedly love. It takes crazy to understand crazy, and I am not wired that way. It took a while, but I stopped trying to analyze it and just accepted the past that I could not change and instead started to focus my energy on my future, where that energy could actually make a difference.

Sorry you are here, but this is a great group of people!

tigereyes posted 6/7/2014 21:05 PM

I guess I find myself second guessing the past because I also misjudged my "best" friend. I am so afraid of making the same mistakes so I am trying to figure out where it all went wrong. If I am honest, I never got the feeling even when we were dating that my ex was THAT into me. There was always a hint of insecurity there because I didn't think I was very important to him. Apparently I should have listened to my gut.

My best friend though? NEVER would I have guessed she would have stabbed me in the back the way she did. And I just feel so lonely now that he is gone and she is out of my life and I just haven't been able to replace these people who were so important to my life for over 2 decades. I am scared of making new friends because I feel like nobody can be trusted. And sure I am in therapy but the reality is that every single person I have ever allowed to play an important role in my life has betrayed me. Even my parents.

I may ramble at times, but I truly have nobody to confide in any more. I have my kids but that is it. And of course since their father is the man who tore me to shreds they feel torn and I don't want that. The whole situation sucks.

Phoenix1 posted 6/7/2014 21:15 PM

the reality is that every single person I have ever allowed to play an important role in my life has betrayed me.

Yep. BTDT. I trust no one for fear of future betrayal. My BF since THIRD GRADE, matron of honor at my wedding (and I at hers) betrayed me. I now have plenty of acquaintances and casual "friends," but no one in my "inner circle" after the death of my marriage. That is too difficult for some to live with and accept, and continued IC is strongly encouraged if that is your case. For me, it has been that way for so long (stopped trusting XPOS after first D-day years ago) that it is just the way it is and I am perfectly fine with it. Everyone is different, but I totally understand how you feel.

Feel free to PM me if you want.

[This message edited by Phoenix1 at 9:20 PM, June 7th (Saturday)]

nekorb posted 6/7/2014 21:45 PM

the reality is that every single person I have ever allowed to play an important role in my life has betrayed me

not knowing your whole life, I just want to challenge you to verify for yourself that this is accurate.

I find myself thinking that exact same thing sometimes, but the reality is that there are folks who maybe couldn't be what I needed them to be at a given moment, but they didn't betray me.


tigereyes posted 6/7/2014 22:09 PM

Sadly, it is verified. My parents abandoned me and when I attempted to make amends with them over the years, they stabbed me in the back. My dad is now dead, my mom may as well be. I had one very special (I thought) best friend from the time I was 13 years old. I talked to her every day for 26 years. We got married around the same time, had kids the same ages, she was a sister to me. And she had an affair with my husband.

I didn't make any other really close friends because I had such a special bond with this person I didn't need anything else or so I thought. Now there is a gaping hole left and there is no one to fill it. My husband is gone (and appears to not care one whit about losing his family), my friend is gone and I have no FOO to lean on. I am the rock for my kids but I have nobody that I can rely on. And sometimes, life just seems so overwhelming for me to do all of this alone. I'm afraid to go to meetups because I don't trust anyone.

I have one male friend who has started to become someone I feel I can rely on. But he lives 3 hours away and I don't want to be clingy and needy. I'm afraid I will scare him off if I ask too much of him. And who could blame him? This is all asking too much of anyone.

Chippednotbroken posted 6/8/2014 16:15 PM

There is a book about noticing red flags for dangerous men (I think it applies to women too). If you took the time and really sat down and thought back I bet you could write down things that bothered you but you chose to overlook. In all the people in your life. After doing that get out. Test yourself. Notice. Gut check.
I married a terrible person who only got worse. I ignored every red flag. I see them now. He was always this way. I compensated and made up for his terribleness.

tigereyes posted 6/8/2014 16:30 PM

Yes, I can see things with my WH that I ignored. And yes my "friend" hits on everything that moves but I thought our friendship would spare me.

I have cut my mom out of my life 3 times now. This one has to be final, I cannot go through this again. I just keep running into the fact that people are people. Nobody is perfect, including myself. But how do you accept flaws in a person AND protect yourself. I don't want to be cynical about everyone and everything. But I don't know that I know how to trust anymore.

tigereyes posted 6/8/2014 16:39 PM

And I am tired of feeling sad. It has been 8 months. WH has said repeatedly I should be over it by now. But I'm not. I am nowhere near over any of it. My MIL told me she didn't see what the big deal was. Everyone just acts like I am making a big deal out of nothing. My whole life has been altered based on actions and decisions I had no voice in. How is that nothing?

KatyDo posted 6/8/2014 16:45 PM

So sorry to hear tigereyes, I can relate to the devastation you are feeling. It is so lonely and feels as if so few people really understand us and our pain - that's why it's great to post here. It sounds like you are struggling a lot with isolation as well.

Sometimes the only comfort comes from knowing your own value and your own source of strength in life, and building from there. At least that is what I feel - there is something greater than the failed people around us, and that inner source can be a spiritual form of renewal. Once you are able to share your own goodness with other safe people, the energy starts to come back to you. The important thing is choosing safe people or situations, where you are still protected from harm by not getting in too deep.

Thinking of you and wishing the best.

Chippednotbroken posted 6/8/2014 18:09 PM

Don't accept flaws. Who said you had to accept flaws? If it bothers you then walk away. There is no absolute in life. And by the way someone treating you like crap is not a flaw. They are bad people. Being a cheater is not a flaw. Chewing loudly is a flaw. Biting your nails is a flaw. And I personally say again, if it bothers you DO NOT ACCEPT IT. Boom.

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