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When does this pain end?

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EmptySouled1 posted 6/7/2014 21:19 PM

What the hell? When does it stop hurting? Its been 6 weeks or so since I found out, and we have been divorced since the 20th of last month. I have been in intensive psychotherapy, and am on meds after three suicide attempts. When Does this pain Stop? Maybe subside a little? Why did she do this to me? Im not perfect, but god damnit! What did I do to deserve this shit?!?! I must have been one hell of an asshole or something... I miss her so much, and I love her more than I can express in words. I gave her my life....... now its all so shattered and empty. Why cant I get over her? She is obviously over me. So empty.

kiki1 posted 6/7/2014 21:37 PM


im so sorry your hurting so badly.

it will get better for you. slowly.

your pain is so fresh yet, hard to imagine it will lessen.

but it will. take care of you. eat, drink fluids, exercise.

post here, we can support you.

read whats in the yellow box to the far left of the screen.


RiseAbove22 posted 6/7/2014 22:44 PM

Hey man i hear ya,im going through very similar feelings.
I feel like i still care about her and she doesnt even care.
I didnt get a choice,i was the one cheated on and dumped.
After putting in 14 years she just turns it off and walks away.
I did nothing wrong and she doesnt even wanna talk about it.
Very shocking. I dont know how people change so fast.
Just so you know you're not alone.
Im 4 months into this and it comes and goes.
You have days when you feel like you're over it
and then you wake up and its back again.
Thats why its called the emotional rollercoaster.
We all go through it.
Stay strong!

RiseAbove22 posted 6/7/2014 22:48 PM

I posted this last night. Maybe it will help you.

BlackHorse posted 6/7/2014 23:19 PM

"EmptySouled1" - you are not ...

one hell of an asshole or something
... you just fell in love.

You and I are basically "in the same boat" in many regards. I am at five weeks since I found out (aka "D-Day"). I know how fresh the pain feels. I to feel at times it will never end.

They call it a "roller coaster" for a reason - you are going to go up and you are going to go down - you will twist left and you will twist right. You will feel sick to your stomach - and there will be times when you will feel alright. You will also never know what the roller coaster will do - or where it will take you to next.

Right now it is important to focus not on what has happened - there will be time for that later on if you wish - and then at that time it will be on your own terms when you are better able to deal with it.

Right now it is more important to focus on yourself. I learned the hard way just recently what letting myself go did to my mind and my body. I now have recent wounds that will eventually heal into scars which will remind me of this time.

I understand "things" in that regards as well.

As already suggested - "eat" / "sleep" / "exercise" - and give yourself a break.

You are not an asshole - we really do not have much of a choice who we fall in love with - it just happens. But if you are an asshole - then I guess I am an asshole as well.

There is no quick fix to what we are going through. We will all heal in our own good time since there is no standard timetable for us to follow.

I will also suggest you keep important "hotline" phone numbers handy - and use them if need be. Stay around people as much as possible - even if you do not know them. Spend time at the local shopping center / local parks / or anywhere people are around.

This may not feel like the best of times but consider volunteer work. Research something that might be of interest to you. Sometimes when we cannot help ourselves - helping others can do us a world of good just the same.

You and I will both get through our personal pain and turmoil - it will just take time - and our patience.

Just take baby steps and take it slow and carefully.

Good luck to both of us my friend - BlackHorse.

Angeles85 posted 6/8/2014 00:07 AM

It's been 5 months since my DDAY and all I can say is IT DOES GET BETTER, I PROMISE. Please take care of yourself, I completely understand how u feel, the first 2 months were hell for me, I cried every single day and I could barely got out of bed. Hang in there, write here. We are here for u. ((((emptysouled1))))

saturnpatrick posted 6/8/2014 00:16 AM

Hi EmptySouled.

You did nothing to deserve this.

Your wife had the following responsibility: if her needs were not being met, she needed to bring that to your attention and work that out with you. She also needed to make it crystal clear how dire the situation was if necessary. That means filing for divorce if necessary -- before going and getting needs met elsewhere. Going elsewhere is not an option while in a marriage.

I am confident that if she had filed for D before going to (multiple) OM, you would have immediately known just how serious a situation this was, and would have worked with her toward a solution if one was possible.

From your earlier post, it looks like maybe she made a half-assed attempt at letting you know how she felt and working with you (if at all). Then she had several OM while still married to you. Half-assed attempt by her doesn't cut it. You were not given a crystal clear picture of the situation. You can't read her mind. This is not your fault. You may think you had a chance, but without accurate information from your wife, you really didn't. That's on her, not you.

Please don't throw your life away. There is someone out there still who will give you the love and devotion you deserve.

5454real posted 6/8/2014 00:27 AM

It ends. When? Up to you. Being a hard ass? Yep.

I read your prior posts. You did NOTHING wrong. Marine, you did what you were called to do. DO NOT TAKE RESPONSIBILITY for actions that were NOT yours. Vows mean something. She was not up to the task. Remember what those vows were? Who broke them? I don't recall an *except if* clause, do you? You are the prize brother, never forget.

Ok, yes, it hurts. You put your faith and trust in someone. SHE broke that, not you. You didn't cause this, you cannot control her and you sure can't cure her. Have you begun implementing the 180?
Do so! Trust me, it works.


Daddo posted 6/8/2014 01:20 AM

It takes a long time, but it does get better - I promise.

Everyone's journey is different, but we all suffer from this very specialized form of PTSD - and their is no quick fix, no drug, no mantra, no brilliant advice that will change things.

That said, it does get better. Over the months you will start to see glimpses of happiness, small signs of healing. Just get through the day, one day at a time, and you'll see those glimpses become more common. One day you'll look up and realize you went a whole hour without thinking about the betrayal and the pain. Then two and three....

Find strategies for not thinking. I kept NPR and other talk radio on every second I was alone - because it helped cut through the internal dialogue of pain. I started running and swimming - because it made me feel better.

It gets better. We have all been there. Just get through the day.

EmptySouled1 posted 6/8/2014 17:41 PM

I know I am supposed to toughen up, and take this like a man... but it is so hard right now. I don't know where to turn or what to do. My whole life is upside down and inside out. and a little sideways, too. I have never felt so shattered and alone. Why didn't I see this coming? I don't know what to say... I am out of words... I amount of strength. Physically and spiritual.

12yearsloyal posted 6/8/2014 20:08 PM

I am sorry for your pain. Been there for 3 months of hard duty myself. It does get better. Take control the best you can. Try to flush this person out. There is a better person out there for you and you will find that person in time. Your life will go on and know you will be ok. love to you.

EmptySouled1 posted 6/8/2014 20:17 PM

All my fuck-ups, mistakes, errors, and just being a dumb shit... I have seen so many buckets of shit in my life, and I am deeply scarred in my soul. Every mistake I have made I am paying for and suffer for now... every day is a long, drawn out punishment for my sins. If there is a Hell, I'm in it. SO YAY! Off to work all you wonderful people! Have a great night. See you in the Morning!

stronger08 posted 6/8/2014 20:24 PM

Healing from infidelity is a process, not an event. It will happen Bro, just give it some time. It sucks and no one deserves this. But when you think of the alternative of still being in a relationship with a foggy, unremorseful, cheating spouse. This really isn't as bad as you think. Hang in there brother !!!!

isitme24 posted 6/8/2014 22:09 PM


I'm sorry to hear how acute your pain is. I know it and share it with you. It's not wrong. There is no shame in it. It doesn't make you less of a man. It just is.

I'm only 4 months in from DDay but I can promise you it gets better. It's hard to see now while it swirls around you and consumes every second of your life but "IT GETS BETTER"! One day you will stop and look around and realize that it doesn't control you anymore. You'll be standing on the other side, a better stronger man.

Deep breaths. Give yourself a chance to be whole again and have some peace.

5454real posted 6/8/2014 22:21 PM

I know I am supposed to toughen up, and take this like a man...

Rereading my post to you and yes, I'm sorry, it could be interpreted as me suggesting such. If that's the way you understood what I said, sorry. My point was that eventually you WILL get to the point where you realize that you are the PRIZE brother. There's a shit-ton of pain and processing in the meantime. You are no less a man for feeling these things. In fact moreso.

Every mistake I have made I am paying for and suffer for now... every day is a long, drawn out punishment for my sins

Nope, these are feelings that are common when the person we trusted to have our back turns around and stabs us. NOTHING you said or did justifies her actions. Those are on her. She needs to be held accountable, not you.

I have seen so many buckets of shit in my life, and I am deeply scarred in my soul.

I am sorry for that brother. Mere words cannot describe the gratitude I have for your service and sacrifice. Thank You!

Sending strength

saturnpatrick posted 6/8/2014 22:42 PM

EmptySouled --

Did your wife file before her As with multiple OM? From your other thread, it was after.

Marine, if having a successful marriage was your objective, you were not given accurate intel from your wife. You may have had some idea she was upset. Maybe not. It does not matter. Even if you had an idea, you did not know how serious it was because she did not file for D before having her affairs with the OM.

Your wife is a traitor. Your wife is also a deserter.

This is not your fault. This is NOT your fault. MARINE! THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!

[This message edited by saturnpatrick at 11:11 PM, June 8th (Sunday)]

Jduff posted 6/9/2014 10:54 AM

EmptySouled1, it is going to be a tough roller coaster ride for a bit. Just take things one at a time, but make sure to take progressive steps for a better life on your own. Some days you will feel like you took two steps back after gaining a step, but as long as you keep pushing forward you will get out of this a much better person.

Think of this a your own personal life crucible. You've done it before for a different reason. You have the same tools to use to get through this one.

1Faith posted 6/9/2014 17:25 PM

Dear Empty

So sorry you are here. So sorry you are hurting.

There is no magic pill or wand. It does just take TIME. Time is the ugliest four letter word here (well one of them).

Six weeks everything is really still new and raw.
Your brain is still trying to reconcile that this actually happened? You are still so injured and hurt.

You are already divorced six weeks out of Dday?

Breathe, take a moment to just be and know that we are all here for you. Keep moving.

Good luck.


1Faith posted 6/9/2014 17:28 PM

Please head to the Healing Library at the upper left hand corner.

Read, read, and read some more.

A lot of great information.

You have found yourself on the rollercoaster ride from hell. Sorry you are here. You will feel everything and nothing, you will love and hate, you will be okay to thinking there is no way I can do is okay and normal.

You will come out the other side but it will take time. Let yourself feel everything. That is the best and most effective way to start to heal.

Consider IC as well. These are tough waters to navigate.

Keep moving.

tryingsodanghard posted 7/16/2014 11:51 AM

You may be tempted to "show her" in the coming months and weeks. Watch your impulses toward drinking or other such activities and don't go out whoring. I know you say that's impossible, but you are young in this. The time will arise. Don't give in. She took your dignity. Take it back. I know this from experience.

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